I haven’t written, and my sincere apologies for that. I know I tend to worry about you all when I don’t hear from you.
But I am fine. I am better than fine. I am happy. I am okay – and happy. There’s some relationship bumps occuring right now, and my husband and I may or may not make it. But the marked difference is that I can see myself being fine either way because I can stand on my own now.
My break went so well. So many differences than before. I kept waiting to separate from myself but never did.
Here’s the thing – I have realized it isn’t about never feeling things. It isn’t about completely forgetting what has happened or even ‘getting over it’. That was never going to happen.
It ended up being an internal process I am not even sure I understand. It ended up being about acceptance, both of myself and others and perspectives that will never unite. About accepting that feelings will come and they will be hard and sometimes they will not be of the time and place. Sometimes they won’t be accepted by others but that doesn’t mean they aren’t valid.
Healing ended up being about a whole bunch of stuff I never expected. It ended up being about release, of expectations and grief. About facing really ugly parts of myself and learning to love them (I am still learning and I imagine it will be a few more runs with the lie monster before she’s gone. But the runs are less intense, the high is less satisfying, and the lies are imbued with a vulnerability and a truth).
And healing isn’t a finish line. It will never be work that I am done doing. But I can see the picture now and when I fall down or fail I don’t hate myself. I don’t feel the need to give up completely. I don’t expect failure. I ask for support. And I don’t see the fact that I will never be done as depressing. I see it as opportunity for growth.
I am currently sober and plan on staying that way for quite a while – until I am confident I don’t need alcohol as a medication to salve emotional wounds. I don’t feel like I need A anymore to live or survive, and that is terrifying to me but so exciting at the same time. Today in our session I exclaimed to her that I didn’t hate her children! She has noticed this marked shift. I have work to do around my relationship with my husband and my family. I have to pay attention to things to stay healthy. Staying in tune with my emotions is going to be like exercise – its a muscle that will get weak. And I will be taking it one day at a time.
But this phase is done. When I cried for five days in December I released a lot that needed to go. But today when I left therapy I knew for sure with a solidness it has taken me so long to find that I had shifted and that I will, no matter what happens, be okay.
It was a combination of things that got me here and I imagine the recipe is different for everyone. I needed the support I have in my friends and husband. I needed the therapeutic relationships I have had in the order I have had them. There needed to be Em before there was A. The flexible job and career. The resources I found and have read. The mistakes that I made – some I learned from right away and some that loudly knocked me upside the head over and over again until I listened. The courage to make hard decisions and the resilence to never give up. But I am living proof that it is possible. This is possible.
And the outlined next steps above that means that I am done writing for a while. My story is by no means over and I plan to update you all, but I don’t need to write here anymore, and forcing it is only going to hamper my progress.
I will always always be grateful for this blog, the friendships I have formed, and I encourage you to never lose sight of the light in the darkness. I’m living proof this is possible.
You can do this.
Back in the day a fellow blogger emailed me as she left her own journey for a while. She told me that no matter how hard it got I was to promise her I would never give up.
(Rachel, this is a special note for you. Because I printed that out and when things got hard (and holy shit did they ever) I clung to those words like a life raft.)
And it is a gift I pass on.
No matter who you are or what it is that you are stuck in, promise me you will never give up.
Because there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Bye for now and thank you for everything,