And they aren’t all mine.
I reached out to my brother earlier this week, while drunk (that whole sober thing has NOT been going well since A and I had, whatever it is we had last week).
Today he emailed me back. It’s surprisingly less vitriolic than usual, but I still got the same PTSD reaction to it. It’s still toxic and accusatory in some ways, but really just reflective of a hurt person in a lot of other ways. A called my emails skillful when I saw her tonight.
I am scheduled to see her Friday and now twice next week because I am a fucking mess.
I get the palms sweaty, knees weak (arms spaghetti?), heart palpitations, can’t breathe, ache in my chest, panic, flashbacks PTSD reaction still when he emails me. Even if its not that bad I’m hypervigilant and I am not totally here. I had forgotten what that felt like.
It had been a year, and I had forgotten what that felt like.
His messages totally derailed my day although I had expected the response to not be completely amicable and loving, and it wasn’t awful either, but it still caused a reaction I didn’t expect because I forgot what it was like to feel that way.
I reached out and offered tea, he answered and was basically like “why now after you’ve hated me” and also had a lot to say about my husband. I wrote back basically being like “this is a mistake, I just want to move forward” and he was like “you won’t even answer my questions? You have shown your hand and are refusing to take blame.” Which I mean, we are both to blame.
So I am toying with a response, or not. We will see.
It feels like I’m glossing over this, but I’m tired. PTSD reactions will do that to you. I’d like to get 7 hours of sleep, so I’m typing fast.
Alternatively things still aren’t good with A and I. I know its largely because I am mad at her for things out of her control. I wrote this after last weeks session.
Ok. Fine. I am angry.
I am angry that if I want to see you I have to pay you. I am angry that you mean more to me than I will ever mean to you. I am angry that you are so fucking focused on emotions that you can’t see I am trying to tell you something else and yet I am also angry when you don’t push harder because clearly emotions are my weak spot.
I am angry because if I hadn’t brought up the drinking today I doubt you would have remembered to check in. I am angry because I’m 99% sure you have forgotten your promise to watch Inside Out in exchange for me reading The Body Says No (which I have done, by the way). I’m sure you will figure out a way to watch it. Or not. The point is you probably forgot. I’m forgettable.
I am angry because there are at least 15-20 people, probably more, who are more important than me in your life. I am feeling so stupid for ever letting myself get attached to this. Attached to a relationship that costs me both monetarily and emotionally.
Here is where I am today. I am tired of digging into my emotions. I just want to be held but I want to push you away because you are too close. I am angry that you are so focused on the fucking feelings, and I am so pissed off that every session we have reminds me of all I have missed. And I don’t have access to you between sessions which fucking sucks. I will go home to <home> and will have to pay you for any time you can give me.
It’s stupid. I hate that I have feelings for you on the odd occasion that are stupid and embarrassing to talk about, so I don’t. And I won’t, so don’t even try.
Some days I really have to convince myself that you would care about me if I didn’t make you money. I don’t have a great relationship with money and parental figures.
I’m angry that me being messed up equals your payday.
I am done coming back week after week to poke at a wound that feels like it is never going to heal in a relationship that only exists within these stupid fucking boundaries.
I don’t want to need you, need this. I loathe that I need this. I hate everything that happened and I hate that this is all coming up before the holidays which is the worst time of year for me. Not that you’d remember. You have 15-20 stories to remember a week, I’m kidding myself if I think mine matter more than the others, or occupy any special spot in your brain.
You’re going to give up on me. I’m going to get to that point where I am too much and you are going to leave.
I hate that I care about our relationship. I hate that every week leaving feels like abandonment. I hate that I can’t talk to you when I am not here. I hate feeling this dependent.
That’s what I wrote – and what I would have read to her today if we didn’t have to spend the whole time basically calming me down and dealing with the letters and email from my brother, and I am still not sure I am going to write him back, but I have drafted something and we will see.
I can’t talk to her and look at her at the same time right now. She asked me to look at her again this week, and I shut up. But when I looked away, I could speak. And I commented to that effect “I can’t do both” I told her. She said she had noticed. From that point on, we really just kept talking, because I really couldn’t do both. It’s like my voice freezes up if I acknowledge she is in the room with me.
Time flew today. At the end, I said “It still doesn’t feel like we are okay”
And she said “It doesn’t? Why not?”
And I said “I only have five minutes, right?”
And she said “Yes, unfortunately I can’t make it longer today.”
And I said “I don’t want to talk about it then. I am trying to get calm enough to leave the room, and that conversation will only upset me.”
She acquiesced, but I could see something there. Hurt? Confusion? Worry?
I don’t know what it was.
I’m not okay.
My brother and I both have very strong emotions about everything that is going on and we are both right to have them – but we aren’t going to get anywhere because while I am willing to meet halfway, I’m pretty sure he isn’t. And I don’t know how many angry emails I can take before I break (although they are SO much better, did I mention that? No swearing, no name calling, no maliciousness in them. Just tiredness. Maybe there is hope).