Trigger warning – Assault (in a dream)
These are my thoughts from the middle of the night. They may not make sense to you but I’m going to be processing a lot more here again going forward as I disconnect from someone who has been supportive but where the relationship has now become codependent. Its grief inducing and I have to, to get to that healthy life.
I had an awful nightmare tonight. I was working at some car lot and a male employee was having struggles. Later I’m in a bath and he rises up from the water underneath me. I choke him, but eventually let go because I don’t want to hurt him, and then he hurts and violates me. I woke up in so much distress.
And I want J. I wanted the weight of him, the comfort. I remember waking up in his bed from my fake nightmares and him soothing me. The soft sounds of his shhhh and his hair stroking and his checking in.
Its been an hour since my nightmare and I still want him. So I looked inward. Why. Why do I want him? My husband is right beside me. If I woke him up because I was crying he would be here. He loves me. I don’t wake him up because I know I can handle this so why, why then do I want J?
I close my eyes. I take deep breaths. I am visualizing a baby. I’m trying to lean into these feelings, to understand them and realize that I feel abandoned. I feel like I had something bad happen (the nightmare) and the expectation is that J will be there when I need him and help keep me safe. And when he is not, when I cry out and he is not there, I feel angry and abandoned.
“I wish I had some sort of bat signal for these very dark moments”
I texted him that yesterday.
These feelings mirror those of attachment to a parent. I’m fundamentally acting out my attachment issues in real time with someone who is not my parent. Which means these feelings and this need and longing are inappropriately misplaced and I need to move away from them. But I don’t know how.
I wanted to message him this morning. But what do I say? “I had an awful nightmare and when I woke up, I wished you were here to hold me.” It would be the truth, but that doesn’t mean it’s something that a) needs to be said or b) is appropriate.
I don’t know what to do with this. My adult instinct says space. My attached part says that’s the worst thing we could do. He’s already moving away. It’s time to stop. But all I can think about is what we will lose. The grief. Is this what it felt like when my parents weren’t available to me as a child?
This morning’s lightbulb moment:
💡⚡ He is the emotionally unavailable parent and I am the child desperately vying for scraps of his attention ⚡💡
I create scenarios with these men in order to what, try to course correct? Get what I couldn’t get then?
I suddenly feel very fiercely protective of myself. We are done. I’m not desperately prostrating myself at his feet anymore.
But I want to be held by him again.