I woke up this morning exhausted despite getting good sleeps Friday and Saturday, and avoiding alcohol.
I haven’t exercised more than usual or gone out late. I am not actively fighting with anyone in my family (I don’t think… I never really know when they’re mad at me. My life is constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop). I should be eating better, but I’m trying.
So I’m feeling this exhaustion coupled with this anxiety and it’s this odd combination.
My body is trying to tell me something, but I don’t know what it is.
I am not able to be in tune with my body. Where normal people would feel something and be able to pinpoint at least the emotion or feeling, all I get is ‘somethings off’ or ‘I just don’t feel well.’
Neither of those are helpful right now.
A and I work a lot on body awareness. It’s exhausting and I resist her almost every single time she suggests that we try it. I think it’s the one exercise where she dodges my definitive refusal.
The conversation goes something like this:
Tell me what you’re feeling, where it’s living in your body.
I’d rather not.
That sounds a lot like frustration. Tell me about that frustration.
I don’t want to
Can you tell me why? What’s happening for you right now.
And we go in circles.
I ignored what my body needed for so long because I was so focused on what my family needed from me. Any and all assertions of my own needs were met with dismissal. There are only so many times as a child where you can jump up and down and try to get your needs met before you give up – because asking for what you need from those who are supposed to give it to you makes you a spoiled brat or weak in the world I lived in.
A talks about the part of me that is so actively resisting her attempts to connect with me and connect me to myself because it feels so scary and unsafe. That part is afraid and also playing the protector. That part dilutes this message of need. That part is fiercely independent and resents her in our space.
But there’s a counterpart who is slowly growing stronger and louder – the part that is reaching out for this connection. The part that has found connection in Lu and my fiancé and wants healing. The part that genuinely loves A.
Neither part is wrong. Sometimes A will speak directly to the first part. It freaked me out the first time she did it but it worked, the guard came down. She openly honoured it and told it she was grateful for keeping me safe but that right now it needed to make space for her.
It’s rare we get to that moment of raw emotion in therapy, and it’s so fucking painful, but we are working on it.
It’s so unfair, this journey. The people who hurt me should be the ones traveling it – not me.
I wish I could understand what you are saying, dear body. I wish I could interpret your needs. I’m hearing them – I’m hearing you tell me something. And I promise not to give up (although I’m probably going to get it wrong).
And I’m so tired of not knowing what it is I should know.