All of the things

There is a lot that I want to write about, but I can’t seem to get the thoughts coherent enough or in order enough or pick what is most important enough. So I’ve basically decided, well, I’m going to write about everything. Cause this is my blog and I can.

An Email From A
I got an email from A this morning. I try not to check my email when I’m feeling pretty emotional because for some reason I’m terrified of my reaction to a bad email. It’s actually interesting. I freelance and do work for a number of personal clients outside of my full time job, and I’m actually scared of reading those emails. That’s something to explore.

I got an email from A this morning and immediately panicked. In the split second it was taking to load I’m pretty sure I went “OMG she’s emailing me, she’s not supposed to email me. Emailing me isn’t allowed except for rescheduling. OMG SHES RESCHEDULING. No, she’s cancelling. She must be cancelling. I’m the worst and she doesn’t want me.” 

She was asking to move my appointment time 15 minutes later on Tuesday. This is why I don’t email with my therapists. Everything would be so emotionally reactive, and it wouldn’t be helpful.

Talking to the parents
I talked to my parents for an hour on the phone this morning. And it didn’t suck. It doesn’t always. It was one of those conversations that made me feel guilty for ever feeling anything negative about them (because they are so nice and so normal and I must be the crazy one). My Mom answered with a delighted “It’s our daughter!” – so happy to hear from me.

It’s funny because last week I didn’t hear from them at all, and I told my fiance that weirded me out and he was like “they’re respecting your boundaries, PD.” And I was like, “What’s the catch” and he rolled his eyes in a they are literally doing what you want so if this doesn’t make you happy then what will make you happy kind of way. Loving, but still. I mean, he’s not wrong. But nothing is consistent with them, which is literally the problem of my entire life. Ambivalent attachment at its best.

I even managed to tell my Mom she was wrong about something that upset me, and she listened to me. Which is weird. The whole thing was weird. Really nice, really really nice. But weird. I don’t like when I can’t predict them and it actually worries me. Normal and nice worries me. It’s as if they are plotting (which they aren’t, I don’t think. They don’t really plot, they don’t meant to be mean or to have caused all these problems, thats what makes it so damn difficult).

I’ve been overly assertive
That phone call leads me to this fact… because I can’t tell you the last time I just blatantly told my Mom she was wrong with no regards to the consequences of those words.

Not to mention this week was full of me standing up for myself with either no thought to the consequences or a very fact-based approach to the consequences. I don’t know what this means. I mean, its not necessarily like you guys know either but it is rare for me to stand up for myself and I did it four times this week.

Usually, I would rather suffer internally than risk being rejected because I stood up for myself. I am usually generally just someone who bends to the will of other people because standing up for myself has never been a priority, or safe, really.

So I’m not sure what this means. I think its good. But its definitely weird and totally not normal for me (although it must look that way)

Travelling to the birth home soon
It is so weird to go home and be around people who have no idea who I really am. People I grew up with and who saw me grow up and who matter to me in very real ways but who honestly could not tell you true facts about me or my personality now. It’s so disorienting.

And I don’t really feel like letting them in. Two of my bridesmaids have been reaching out seeing if I need help with anything and its so loving of them and kind but I’m like – you think the biggest thing on my mind is the wedding. That is the person I used to be.

It’s like, they haven’t grown with me, they live back where my birth home is, they don’t live here, so I’m growing and all they have of me is snapshots in time.

It’s a thing and it could quickly become a problem again. I can drink without the watchful eye of my fiance. A thinks its best if I don’t drink at all at my birth home and while I would love for that to be a thing I don’t think that’s even remotely feasible. So I talked to Lu about it earlier this week:

Me: It’s not going to happen. I’m not going to put pressure on myself to be completely alcohol free and perfect. It’s way too engrained a habit that keeps me sane. So I’ll ask A for some coping and mindfulness techniques, and commit to trying those first, and if they fail, I will choose alcohol over self harm any day.

Lu: Yup, good call

Me: If I put too much pressure on myself to not drink at all, then I’ll fail really fast. Plus, like, I think I need a little mini questionnaire before drinking

Lu: Make a check in system.

And this is what I came up with:

  1. Are you alone? (yes = no drink, no = step 2)
  2. Are you happy? (yes = step 3, no = no drink)
  3. Are you with supportive people? (yes = step 4, no = no drink)
  4. Are you using alcohol as a coping mechanism? (yes = no drink, no = step 5)
  5. Have you had more than three? (yes = stop drinking, no = drink on!)

So that’s something that I can be comfortable with right now. It’s not a perfect plan but it at least brings my relationship with alcohol to the forefront and is something I can be mindful of. And its not panic inducing, like the idea of completely removing it from my life.


7 thoughts on “All of the things

  1. This is your space, so you don’t need to explain any of your writing choices to us 🙂

    Great idea with the alcohol question. That’s a good starting point for working on a difficult issue.

    I so feel you on the disconnect stuff. Whenever I return to my hometown I feel really kindly and I just want to scream “None of you even know me!”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Andi. I used my alcohol checklist this weekend actually. Figured I would start while I’m here and get some practice in. I did well, minus the last question. Saturday I was out with people for like 8 hours, so it ended up being way more than 4 drinks. BUT, nothing negative happened.. so thats good.

      It’s so nice to know someone else gets that lonely feeling. I really do just want to be like “You have no fucking clue who I am, do you.”

      Problem is, even if some of my closer friends were to ask, I’m not sure I have the words to explain all the growth I’ve done since I’ve left. And I love them, and I want to let them in, but letting people in doesn’t happen for me there.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes, write out whatever you want! I like how much thought you are putting into the home visit, and Rea’s questions also intrigue me. The drinking.. well, I suppose you will find out how it goes when you are there (if you decide to drink). I often find that coping/planning ahead is really helpful, and sometimes, in the moments of being somewhere, I have to find a level of acceptance for my choices of doing the least harmful coping (such as drink over SH, like you mentioned). I think what I am trying to say is, if you do end up drinking there or having too much to drink, I hope you are kind to yourself and know it came because a lot of emotions and pain were triggered. Home visits are fucking hard.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Home visits are fucking hard. I have every belief that I will drink. I want to be purposeful about it, though. I want to have a plan in place that doesn’t start with drinking, even if I ultimately get there, I want to try other things first.

      Hopefully planning ahead so much is helpful – its so funny I roll my eyes everytime I bring up planning ahead, and I’m not sure why. I think there is this underlying belief that I shouldn’t have to plan to go home.

      Rea’s questions intrigued me too. I think I have trouble letting those friends in because I very much played the supporter role in all my relationships there. There was a lack of equality to them. I did all the supporting, and didn’t ask for support. So to suddenly do that feels really frightening. Also, a couple of them have just said the wrong things before — when I have shared. I love them anyways, however.

      I have a few people there who have spent time with me in both places where I live, so I won’t be entirely alone.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Your system is brilliant. I love it.

    I’m wondering what is driving you to stay disconnected from the people you grew up with? They seem to still be important to you. Maybe fear that your friendship won’t survive the changes you’re going through? Or does it feel too vulnerable to be “seen”? I don’t know. I relate to it, a lot, because for years I didn’t tell any of my closest friends that I was self-harming, or in therapy, or depressed, or anything that was really going on. And when I finally did….well, it wasn’t a big deal. Things went on as normal, but I felt like I wasn’t hiding any more. I guess I just want you to have good, authentic connections in your life, because you deserve that. Whether that’s with these friends or not.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Rea 🙂

      I didn’t think of it as me staying disconnected from them purposely but then maybe not understanding me – but maybe it’s a combination.

      I just am not sure I have the words to describe it – I haven’t seen these women in a long time, and while it’s refreshing to connect, it’s also very different than it used to be.

      Thank you for your insightful comments Rea 🙂


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