I’m feeling particularly vulnerable tonight.
My fiancé is gone and I won’t see him again until the 10th of September. So I’m alone. And that always, always, results in some form of instability.
I also feel very young right now, and very lonely. And while I am so grateful I wrote my child me that letter and made the choice of the second option… I’m tired.
I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired.
I think I am most tired of feeling fake – like I’m doing what I can to get by but that isn’t a thing in this world – in my world – you either make it or you don’t
I did approach my coworker today and ask him if he could cancel with my therapist. I said to him “I know I recommended her to you, and believe she could help you, but some part of me is super anxious and upset that you would be seeing her.” And he respected that, and cancelled. So I breath a sigh of relief.
I need to be really mindful this weekend. When my fiancé, my primary support and safety net, is away, I am very aware that I can’t fall apart. There would be nobody to catch me.
There’s been this underlying grief and sadness since Wednesday’s session that I can’t shake. And I feel small and vulnerable and raw… But that’s okay.
We will be ok, me and the little girl on the stairs. And we thank you for the endless love and support we have received.