Vulnerable

I’m feeling particularly vulnerable tonight.

My fiancé is gone and I won’t see him again until the 10th of September. So I’m alone. And that always, always, results in some form of instability.

I also feel very young right now, and very lonely. And while I am so grateful I wrote my child me that letter and made the choice of the second option… I’m tired.

I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired. 

I think I am most tired of feeling fake – like I’m doing what I can to get by but that isn’t a thing in this world – in my world – you either make it or you don’t 

I did approach my coworker today and ask him if he could cancel with my therapist. I said to him “I know I recommended her to you, and believe she could help you, but some part of me is super anxious and upset that you would be seeing her.” And he respected that, and cancelled. So I breath a sigh of relief.

I need to be really mindful this weekend. When my fiancé, my primary support and safety net, is away, I am very aware that I can’t fall apart. There would be nobody to catch me.

There’s been this underlying grief and sadness since Wednesday’s session that I can’t shake. And I feel small and vulnerable and raw… But that’s okay.

We will be ok, me and the little girl on the stairs. And we thank you for the endless love and support we have received. 

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18 thoughts on “Vulnerable

  1. Count me in on that support. I’m on your side, PD. Your blog really touches my soul and inspires those parts of myself I’ve not connected with, particularly the little one inside me. I’ve always been unable to go there because it’s too painful. But thanks to your letter to the girl on the stairs, I feel a stirring of courage deep within….. hugs. Thank you. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Just Me (JM?). The little one was hard to get to and now she’s everywhere – still just as painful but less loud. I am so glad my letter resonated with you, you are most welcome. Xx

      Like

  2. Pingback: All of the things – Paper Doll Therapy Blog

    • Thanks Sophia. It was challenging but I think it came from an almost recklessly honest part of me that was like “the worst thing is he says no and then we take it to A like we planned”.

      It’s an oddly protective part of me I’m still struggling to connect with. And yea, feeling alone is super hard and sad and I’m hopeful that keeping busy this weekend will help.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow, that was incredibly brave and skillful of you to be so honest with your coworker, and I’m glad that they respected your wishes!!!
    It is so hard when it feels like our support system has taken a leave of absence… It’s okay to be tired and sad, and you WILL get through this, even if it’s one difficult moment at a time. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • This week it seems I’ve been in a “what do I have to lose” mentality with being honest with people. I confronted my boss, and had this difficult conversation. Had a hard conversation with a client.

      It’s very unlike me, and I think it’s been exhausting. Thank you for your note of encouragement. I had a good sleep last night, and it was quite helpful.

      Liked by 1 person

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