Why Isn’t There More Time?

I spent most of this weekend with other people. With some co-workers on Friday night, and with Lu yesterday into today. I also slept until 11am on Saturday.

It was honestly super fun, and I think I needed it after last weeks mess. When I sat down to think about it there was something every day that required some serious mental gymnastics to get through. Monday was Owner1 and the Facebook fiasco, Tuesday was the resolution to that, Wednesday was the client from hell screaming at me and counselling, Thursday was being all anxious about my coworker seeing my counselor, Friday was the resolution to that. Saturday was social time.

I haven’t just sat and felt shit in a while. . . and its messy. What’s emerging is messy. I am living alone right now, as mentioned before, while my fiance travels. I’ll go join him in 11 days, but even then will only see him for 1 day before he comes back and I stay gone.

I’m tired. I need to do the dishes. I need to food prep. I need to clean by my desk. I need to eat dinner. I need to finish the laundry and sweep. I need to make sure I’m heading into this week with a clean environment. I also need to tend to my freelance clients because I won’t be able to most night this coming week. But I’m also alone, which generally puts me into this cycle of wanting to do nothing.

At some point today I couldn’t wait to be alone, too much social for me in two days. Then when I am alone, I would prefer to just sleep. I don’t necessarily want other people, but I don’t want my brain around either. Too much happened last week to actively process. While I am proud of how I handled all of them I think I’m nearing the end of my mental rope.

Plus, I think I’m getting sick. So there’s that.

My intention for tonight is to do what I can to keep myself sane, what is going to serve me best. I’m going to get that freelance work done. I’m going to make myself a nice, healthy dinner and do the dishes. Pack my lunch for tomorrow. I am going to do a bedtime yoga practice, and I’m going to try to be in bed so I get 7 hours of sleep. I am going to finish my laundry and plan out my week. I may spend some time free writing too, getting out whatever it is is driving me nuts from within. If I don’t end up cleaning by my desk tonight – oh well.

I have three hours with A this week. There’s so much that I want to discuss, and so much that should be discussed. Blogging has given me a great tool to keep what I need to talk about close to me in the times I don’t have her around.

Want To Discuss

  • letter to Little PD, the girl on the stairs
  • the whole “you can’t see my counselor too” situation
  • why I’ve suddenly swung from super passive to super aggressive and what that really means
  • that I finally was present for an entire phone call with my parents (I’ve been disassociating through them)
  • half of what I’ve written in the last week

Need To Discuss

  • the whole “you can’t see my counselor too” situation
  • the blogging – I need to address it with her because its been something I wanted to say for a while. I really don’t know how to approach it though. Hey, I’ve been writing about our relationship and want to make sure you’re okay with it? Which is true, but also not, because I know I’ll keep blogging regardless of her opinion because I’m not putting her in any jeopardy or sharing anything about her that I feel is too much but also I want to respect her feelings so this is a really scary one for me.
  • Probably the most important, I need a crisis plan for where I’m going, which frustrates me. But the crisis line is different and the response is different because I can’t see A within 48 hours of a crisis if one happens there. There’s also a time change and different groups of safe people. I also need to talk about coping mechanisms and mindfulness techniques to replace the autopilot I go on when I’m at my birth home, which I have decided to refer to as MO so it doesn’t get confused with my home home, which I love.

The last one frustrates me because there is so much deeper work I want to start doing before I chicken out from starting it. There is a lot that we need to get to. And this stupid trip to MO and the immediacy of my needs surrounding it are taking away from the harder, deeper work that I want to be doing.

A would argue that getting into that deeper stuff and then going to MO has the potential to be re-traumatizing and so we should focus on the here and now, but its just like… ugh. Little PD and teen PD and all the other past PD’s hate that answer – they want to deal with their shit, not adult PD’s shit. As far as they are concerned adult PD is an idiot for scheduling a trip back. At this moment, adult PD is inclined to agree with them. Although, it is a great way to practice skills and it is necessary to get through the wedding in one piece. After October, we won’t head back until Christmas of 2017.

I always do this. Schedule a trip to MO and then feel unable to handle it. Then, when I go to leave to come back to where I consider my real home, I don’t want to leave there. Old habits die hard.

I know that realistically my time is best spent discussing ways to keep me safe and me practicing them before being there. So when its 3 or 4pm and my parents start drinking, and the stuff that they say frustrates me, instead of joining them because its easier I need “xyz” to cope. I can’t leave for too long or that becomes a fight. Saying no the first time will be hard enough. As they get drunker and worse to talk to and say more ridiculous shit I’ll need something to help me get through. Something that isn’t also being drunk because then they are less ridiculous and my reactions are dulled.

A said to me “We have to get you through this one in one piece, because then you’re back for less than a month and go again. If you are going to fall apart, it needs to be after trip #2. Logistically speaking, we need to work on the immediacy of your trip to MO.”

She’s right, which means the surface stuff, and the coping mechanisms for seeing my family and the everyday are what I need to work on right now…

Why isn’t there more time?

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6 thoughts on “Why Isn’t There More Time?

  1. I’m glad that A is focused on keeping you safe, even though I know that can be really frustrating! And I’m glad that you’re going to spend time working on coping mechanisms together, because maybe then when you used them in MO it’ll feel more like she’s there with you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Take care of this immediate stuff first. A is right, the trip to MO is most important now. There’s a lot to get through, I understand that, and it sucks that there’s this time limit and we have to pick and choose what’s most important and prioritize that. It’s important, though, to take care of the most important, pressing things, in order to get through them so that you can go into the other stuff too. Also, your plan for tonight sounds good 🙂 Like you said, do what serves you best.

    Liked by 1 person

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