A is amazing.
Not like I didn’t know that already.
I told her about the blog and she said all the perfect things. Like I don’t think it could have been handled in a more perfect way.
She talked about how while she is bounded and can’t tell our story that I am free to tell whatever story I want. How I have every right to tell this story and to include her – that she appreciates I am choosing to protect her. And she appreciated that I thought enough about our relationship and the space we’ve made to check in with her but reiterated it would have been okay if I didn’t, too.
That I never need to feel guilty about writing about her or our time together. And then she took interest in it. She asked about all of you and she asked what I get from it and how it makes me feel and she told me that ethically she can never go looking for it (and would not violate my privacy that way) but that I am always welcome to share.
I asked how she was feeling and she said she was so happy and honoured that our space had made me feel so safe that I felt I could be creative and share and make something out of it. That I was opening up in ways outside of her office and finding community.
And to think that I was worried.
I also got to tell her about my coworker and what happened there and explore some of those emotions about it. She didn’t make me feel anything but reassured.
She did grab on to the idea of me feeling like I am out to sabotage our relationship – she called me out on it. She was like “PD, every time you almost haven’t come or have pushed or wanted to kick me out of your life – I haven’t done anything but help make a space where it is safe for you to choose whatever you want, within established rules. You are the one choosing to show up and be here. You are the one doing the work. You are free to leave any time, and I think if you truly wanted to sabotage this that you would. You are putting in so much effort.
These stories you tell yourself about who you are. I think they are narratives from the past. You are either not those stories, or I am very bad at reading people. And I’m not the one doing the work here but I do think I am good at reading people.”
We then talked about my OCD which kicks into HIGH gear when I live alone. I’m not quite ready to blog about that yet, it is a vulnerable place for me to go. But I did go there with her today.
I feel so safe with her. I have two more sessions before I leave for MO and then 2 phone calls in the time I’m there. And I see her the day after I return.
My goodness. She is taking really good care of me and our space. I’m so grateful.