A is for Amazing

A is amazing.

Not like I didn’t know that already. 

I told her about the blog and she said all the perfect things. Like I don’t think it could have been handled in a more perfect way. 

She talked about how while she is bounded and can’t tell our story that I am free to tell whatever story I want. How I have every right to tell this story and to include her – that she appreciates I am choosing to protect her. And she appreciated that I thought enough about our relationship and the space we’ve made to check in with her but reiterated it would have been okay if I didn’t, too.

That I never need to feel guilty about writing about her or our time together. And then she took interest in it. She asked about all of you and she asked what I get from it and how it makes me feel and she told me that ethically she can never go looking for it (and would not violate my privacy that way) but that I am always welcome to share. 

I asked how she was feeling and she said she was so happy and honoured that our space had made me feel so safe that I felt I could be creative and share and make something out of it. That I was opening up in ways outside of her office and finding community.

And to think that I was worried. 

I also got to tell her about my coworker and what happened there and explore some of those emotions about it. She didn’t make me feel anything but reassured.

She did grab on to the idea of me feeling like I am out to sabotage our relationship – she called me out on it. She was like “PD, every time you almost haven’t come or have pushed or wanted to kick me out of your life – I haven’t done anything but help make a space where it is safe for you to choose whatever you want, within established rules. You are the one choosing to show up and be here. You are the one doing the work. You are free to leave any time, and I think if you truly wanted to sabotage this that you would. You are putting in so much effort.

These stories you tell yourself about who you are. I think they are narratives from the past. You are either not those stories, or I am very bad at reading people. And I’m not the one doing the work here but I do think I am good at reading people.”

We then talked about my OCD which kicks into HIGH gear when I live alone. I’m not quite ready to blog about that yet, it is a vulnerable place for me to go. But I did go there with her today. 

I feel so safe with her. I have two more sessions before I leave for MO and then 2 phone calls in the time I’m there. And I see her the day after I return. 

My goodness. She is taking really good care of me and our space. I’m so grateful.

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19 thoughts on “A is for Amazing

  1. So glad you are getting this experience with her of really being attended to and accepted and welcomed for who you are – it feels so important to Little PD. That someone is saying (through actions) “I see you up there by the banister, it is okay to come over here and nestle in.”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That must have been so scary for you to “confess” to her – well done for telling her! I’m so happy that she was not only fine with it but that it made her happy to hear you’re reaching out for connection. She really cares about you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It was terrifying. And she just sits there and waits until I choose to or not. Sometimes she will ask why it seems scary but she’s very good at just being – she never feels impatient and she’s calm.

      She does care. It’s nice to know that.

      Like

  3. I’m so glad her reaction was just really so perfect. I really love the WP community to0. I feel like it is a very special supportive place. I think having phone calls scheduled is a good idea. That will help when you are in MO. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Tried to post this a few minutes ago but my MacBook froze so I’m not sure if I’m going to end up double posting! Apologies if so:

    Hi PD, I have just read your blog. I have recently joined the WP community and I am already finding it so helpful. Reading yours and blogs by others helps me to realise I am not so alone with my struggles. Not that I would wish for anyone to find life hard, but I feel less “crazy” knowing that people are having the same/similar issues to me.
    So thank you for your blog ❤

    Forever xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m really glad you have her. And I agree, the WordPress community is very much a community. We get so much support from each other. I think it’s awesome that you were able to go to that vulnerable place with A today. I’m also glad you will have the calls when you are in MO and a session quickly after.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you – I am too. It took 10 years of trying to figure this out to both find her, and be in a place (thanks to Em) where I was ready to work with her.

      It is such a community. I am so grateful every day because I get so much out of reading everyone else’s story, the comments on here, and the fact that I get to tell my story. I am glad to have you all. Thank you for being here.

      Liked by 1 person

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