Anybody else find grounding work painful? You’re somewhere else mentally and the edges are fuzzy and then you hear that time is almost up.
Early on in my sessions with A I would actively resist her attempts to ground me. I think it was because I was worried the connection would never return – even though it is so so painful to be open and raw with her it is – for some part of me – necessary… and grounding felt like losing that.
So a long time ago, I promised her that I would actively attempt to do what she asked. Today she asked me to look at her, then to breathe. To relax my shoulders, to put my feet on the ground. It took me at least 5 minutes to do most of that. I usually at one point shake my head no, and she always goes “why not? It’s safe, PD.”
I will shout out “I’m not purposely avoiding you!” in some sort of attempt to let her know I’m trying. But unfolding from the safe ball under a blanket that I have curled myself into is so. damn. painful.
“I am not actively resisting you!!”
“Shh. I know. It’s okay. Just breathe. Take deep breaths”
I’m not super certain about the session itself. I brought a blanket from home for the first time. I was wrapped in it, like a fluffy pink hug. I read the letter. Then I was silent and then I looked out the window – which is, 9/10 times, a sign I’m disassociating.
She asked me to stay with her. To stay with it. To tell her where I was and stay with the feeling and I really did try. I couldn’t though, for long.
I wanted to cry so badly. I wanted to let it all out. But when that happens there is this critical voice that emerges in my head – it is trying to protect me – but it bullies me into silence.
I didn’t end up crying hysterically as I felt I wanted. I did cry, a lot. And at one point A asked me where I was, another what I was seeing. And I couldn’t answer her.
Eventually I said “I can hear you. I am not trying to ignore you. I just can’t find the words”
She softly mmed and said the right things.
She said a lot of things but I’m pretty sure I wasn’t there for most of it. Or at least, it didn’t all register.
I tried to see if a trusted friend was available so I didn’t have to go home by myself right away. The act of getting on the train is extremely triggering for me for a reason I haven’t shared yet… and I didn’t quite feel safe.
So I played Pokemon at a tri lure near A’s office and just being outside and breathing helped. Now I am on my way home but not looking forward to being alone. I also had a very nice conversation with a very kind pharmacist about some Midol. He was so kind. I don’t think he realized how important that was.
I think I will cocoon myself in blankets and stuffies and pillows and try to make healthy food and be kind to myself. Maybe I’ll have a bubble bath. Or watch a comedy. Because that was hard. I feel young and raw.
I know A didn’t want to interrupt the emotions that the letter brought up. So she didn’t say anything about it. Afterwards I asked her what she thought, once I had grounded. She said “I have been in horrible back pain all day, and your letter was so beautiful it made me forget all about it. It was a very lovely letter.”
I thought that was nice. Self care is paramount for me tonight.