I feel like this needs a trigger warning although I’m not sure for what. It could be me projecting my uncertainty and fear, but just in case.
Last night I was all ready for bed. I was laying there with my full body pillow (my substitute for the fiances weight when he isn’t at home) and all the stuffies and feeling really calm. I had watched some tv, done some yoga, and turned out the lights. I was deep breathing and really relaxed. My eyes were closed.
All of a sudden, and really quickly, it was like I wasn’t there anymore. I don’t know how to explain it so bear with me. I saw my childhood closet, heard the door slam open against it, felt someone grab me by the left wrist and my right arm shot out to stabilize me on my wall (which as a child would have been right beside me).
There was nothing there which confused me enough so I opened my eyes and realized I was not in MO in my room but safe in my home and I think I actually said “what the fuck?” out loud into the darkness. I had this sense I was about to be literally dragged out of bed in this urgent way… both violent but also as if it is an emergency situation. Maybe? I don’t know.
Then the feelings flooded me. Intense panic, and fear. Doubt and guilt. It took me four or five minutes of repeating “I am alone, I am safe” and trying to breathe to calm down and ground myself. I turned on my light and started naming stuff out loud that only exists in my adult life to remind myself where I was and what year it was. Thank you, random coping skills I have acquired.
What the hell was that? And who was in it? I have to be at least 12, judging by the Orlando Bloom poster on my closet. It was really, really upsetting and disorienting.
I have never really had a flashback, but I’m guessing that’s what that was? It wasn’t a dream, I wasn’t asleep. I have no idea how to handle this.
It felt like too much and I immediately cursed A’s out of session contact policy. I am still cursing it this morning. I thought about the crisis line and promised myself if I couldn’t get to sleep I would call. I did something else, rechecked the house (OCD tendencies when alone), and slept on the other side of the bed. I got through the night.
But man. That has never really happened to me before, and I have no idea what to do with it right now.