What the hell was that?

I feel like this needs a trigger warning although I’m not sure for what. It could be me projecting my uncertainty and fear, but just in case. 

Last night I was all ready for bed. I was laying there with my full body pillow (my substitute for the fiances weight when he isn’t at home) and all the stuffies and feeling really calm. I had watched some tv, done some yoga, and turned out the lights. I was deep breathing and really relaxed. My eyes were closed.

All of a sudden, and really quickly, it was like I wasn’t there anymore. I don’t know how to explain it so bear with me. I saw my childhood closet, heard the door slam open against it, felt someone grab me by the left wrist and my right arm shot out to stabilize me on my wall (which as a child would have been right beside me). 

There was nothing there which confused me enough so I opened my eyes and realized I was not in MO in my room but safe in my home and I think I actually said “what the fuck?” out loud into the darkness. I had this sense I was about to be literally dragged out of bed in this urgent way… both violent but also as if it is an emergency situation. Maybe? I don’t know. 

Then the feelings flooded me. Intense panic, and fear. Doubt and guilt. It took me four or five minutes of repeating “I am alone, I am safe” and trying to breathe to calm down and ground myself. I turned on my light and started naming stuff out loud that only exists in my adult life to remind myself where I was and what year it was. Thank you, random coping skills I have acquired.

What the hell was that? And who was in it? I have to be at least 12, judging by the Orlando Bloom poster on my closet. It was really, really upsetting and disorienting.

I have never really had a flashback, but I’m guessing that’s what that was? It wasn’t a dream, I wasn’t asleep. I have no idea how to handle this.

It felt like too much and I immediately cursed A’s out of session contact policy. I am still cursing it this morning. I thought about the crisis line and promised myself if I couldn’t get to sleep I would call. I did something else, rechecked the house (OCD tendencies when alone), and slept on the other side of the bed. I got through the night.

But man. That has never really happened to me before, and I have no idea what to do with it right now. 

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18 thoughts on “What the hell was that?

  1. I would say it was a flashback. Poor you, they are not fun. I used to have them an awful lot but now, thankfully, they are rarer. I too felt hyper vigilent after having one and then anxiety about would it “hit” again.
    Take care of yourself, eat something yummy and watch a film, something light just to try and lift your mood.
    Thinking of you xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Forever. I realized today that I was judging myself for reacting to this and feel better since then. It was terrifying and it was a big thing and I am allowed to be freaked out by it.

      I have to keep reminding myself I’m allowed to be freaked out.

      Like

  2. Wow. That’s really intense. It sounds like a flashback (I’ve never had one so I can’t say for sure). You got through the night, and that is really, really good. I’m hoping that right now, you’re feeling a little bit less fearful.
    I’m really not sure what I would do with this either. I’d probably bring it up in my next session, but other than that, I really don’t know. I guess self-care would be #1 too, just taking care of yourself after this scary and intense moment.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am feeling less fearful but almost hyper vigilant. Like every cell in my body is ready to run.

      I emailed A, and told her something happened if I could, I would like to speak with her or have a session before Tuesday. That I appreciate that I likely can’t but if I didn’t ask, I would regret it. I almost never reach out, due to our boundaries. So I’m hoping we can find something.

      For now, I’m going minute by minute and working. Trying to distract myself. I’ve told Lu all about it and that helps. But honestly I’m so disoriented by it.

      Thanks for commenting. It makes me feel less alone.

      Liked by 1 person

      • That also makes sense, given what happened. I’m glad you emailed. It is worth reaching out and asking, because she could say yes.
        I can imagine how disoriented it is. I’m glad you have Lu and that work is a distraction for you.
        And you’re definitely not alone here 🙂 I’m here if you need anything.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you. I feel a bit lost. And also guilty for some reason like that shouldn’t have freaked me out. I am not expecting a response from A, but may get one anyways.

        Trying to figure out what I want to do tonight to stay busy calm and safe

        Liked by 1 person

      • A emailed me back – as I expected she isn’t free (long weekend and then I’m her first appointment Tues) – but she did validate that it was ok to email and ask. So that’s good. Now planning what I’m going to do. Dinner is a good idea.

        Liked by 1 person

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