I actually emailed A today. I rarely, if ever, do that. I had a smorgasbord of thoughts and debated sending it and finally did.
Something really unsettling happened last night and I am having trouble processing it. Overall, I am okay, but I thought I would reach out and see if there is the possibility of an extra session.
We have already had two sessions this week, I can’t leave early today, it’s a long weekend, and I’m your first appointment Tuesday so realistically I see there is a slim possibility here. I send this with no expectations, but I would be upset with myself if I didn’t ask.
I believe this falls within our boundaries, but not entirely sure so please let me know if it doesn’t.
You know I am upset when I email, or reach out, between sessions. Last nights event, which after doing some reading I am comfortable calling my first flashback, really, really threw me off.
All day I’ve been hyper vigilant. The smallest things are causing me to jump. Some part of me trusts nothing right now. Tomorrow is my bachelorette party and I was so afraid I wouldn’t feel like being social.
At some point today after talking to staystrong10 and Lu, I realized that I was judging myself for being upset over what is quite possibly the most triggering thing I have experienced in a long time. Not knowing what that flashback relates to is also stressful. Feeling all the emotions and even like I was being grabbed in my home now, despite nobody being there, was scary.
I have to tell myself that I am allowed to not be okay. I am allowed to be freaked out. I am allowed to be upset. I am allowed to be feeling vulnerable and worried and just generally completely overwhelmed.
I am allowed.
It’s hard for me to give myself that permission. I was always the one who had to be strong and have a brave face and maintain my composure. But I am trying to give myself permission to be not okay right now.
A wrote me back. I was right, but still glad she wrote back.
Sounds like something big has come up. I’m glad you were able to get through the night.
I am away this weekend until Monday so unfortunately won’t be able to schedule an appointment before Tuesday morning. You are always welcome to ask for an earlier appointment and I will accommodate when I can.
I encourage you to make the most use of your supports until we meet. Here’s hoping the weekend is kind.
All the best,
I really appreciate that she validated my email – and that I was not wrong in reaching out. I tried really hard to not go into details and not discuss anything that would be more appropriate in session and it seems she recognized that. And I’m proud of myself for asking for what I need despite expecting the no. Am I mad she isn’t available – yes. But do I recognize that as unfair and me needing some serious support right now and wanting her to provide it? Yes.
Ultimately I’m glad she knows so I can’t just throw this under a rug and refuse to discuss it. Which is usually my intention, when something this upsetting happens. I pretend it’s not a big deal and stuff it into Fort Knox.
I haven’t felt this afraid in a long time. And I haven’t felt this confused about something either. So I am making myself a comfort meal, I bought some paints and canvas, I texted my fiancé to keep him updated and I’m going to do some research on flashbacks. That always makes me feel better, more capable.
Most importantly I’m going to try to keep reminding myself that I am allowed to be upset. That flashbacks aren’t something people are supposed to just ‘get over’. That I am not overreacting or making a mountain out of a molehill. Those are messages from my childhood.
I am allowed to be upset. I am allowed to be afraid. I am allowed to feel however I need to feel to make it to Tuesday.