I’m allowed to be freaked out

I actually emailed A today. I rarely, if ever, do that. I had a smorgasbord of thoughts and debated sending it and finally did. 

Hi A,

Something really unsettling happened last night and I am having trouble processing it. Overall, I am okay, but I thought I would reach out and see if there is the possibility of an extra session.

We have already had two sessions this week, I can’t leave early today, it’s a long weekend, and I’m your first appointment Tuesday so realistically I see there is a slim possibility here. I send this with no expectations, but I would be upset with myself if I didn’t ask. 

I believe this falls within our boundaries, but not entirely sure so please let me know if it doesn’t.  
– PD

You know I am upset when I email, or reach out, between sessions. Last nights event, which after doing some reading I am comfortable calling my first flashback, really, really threw me off. 

All day I’ve been hyper vigilant. The smallest things are causing me to jump. Some part of me trusts nothing right now. Tomorrow is my bachelorette party and I was so afraid I wouldn’t feel like being social. 

At some point today after talking to staystrong10 and Lu, I realized that I was judging myself for being upset over what is quite possibly the most triggering thing I have experienced in a long time. Not knowing what that flashback relates to is also stressful. Feeling all the emotions and even like I was being grabbed in my home now, despite nobody being there, was scary. 

I have to tell myself that I am allowed to not be okay. I am allowed to be freaked out. I am allowed to be upset. I am allowed to be feeling vulnerable and worried and just generally completely overwhelmed. 

I am allowed. 

It’s hard for me to give myself that permission. I was always the one who had to be strong and have a brave face and maintain my composure. But I am trying to give myself permission to be not okay right now. 

A wrote me back. I was right, but still glad she wrote back. 

Sounds like something big has come up. I’m glad you were able to get through the night.

I am away this weekend until Monday so unfortunately won’t be able to schedule an appointment before Tuesday morning. You are always welcome to ask for an earlier appointment and I will accommodate when I can.

I encourage you to make the most use of your supports until we meet. Here’s hoping the weekend is kind.

All the best,

I really appreciate that she validated my email – and that I was not wrong in reaching out. I tried really hard to not go into details and not discuss anything that would be more appropriate in session and it seems she recognized that. And I’m proud of myself for asking for what I need despite expecting the no. Am I mad she isn’t available – yes. But do I recognize that as unfair and me needing some serious support right now and wanting her to provide it? Yes.

Ultimately I’m glad she knows so I can’t just throw this under a rug and refuse to discuss it. Which is usually my intention, when something this upsetting happens. I pretend it’s not a big deal and stuff it into Fort Knox.

I haven’t felt this afraid in a long time. And I haven’t felt this confused about something either. So I am making myself a comfort meal, I bought some paints and canvas, I texted my fiancé to keep him updated and I’m going to do some research on flashbacks. That always makes me feel better, more capable.

Most importantly I’m going to try to keep reminding myself that I am allowed to be upset. That flashbacks aren’t something people are supposed to just ‘get over’. That I am not overreacting or making a mountain out of a molehill. Those are messages from my childhood.

I am allowed to be upset. I am allowed to be afraid. I am allowed to feel however I need to feel to make it to Tuesday. 

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23 thoughts on “I’m allowed to be freaked out

  1. Yes – all of this, yes. You are definitely allowed to be afraid, and upset, and you’re allowed to be mad that A wasn’t available, too. No, she didn’t do anything wrong, but you’re going through something scary and you wanted her support, and it’s okay to be mad that you didn’t get it. Well done for reaching out – that must have been hard.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Rea. The validation helps so much. It’s been.. interesting – these few days afterwards. I keep circling back to reminding myself it’s ok to feel scared and afraid.

      I don’t even know if I want to talk about it with her now – because I needed her then and she wasn’t able to be there (as you said, she did nothing wrong), but now I just feel like clamming up.

      It’s been a weird few days.

      Like

    • Thanks 🙂 I am glad she responded too. I really appreciate your validation of my emotional state. With each comment of someone validating that yes I am allowed to be freaked out it makes my own determination stronger.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You are definitely allowed to be freaked out! It is so healthy to validate the experience and name it, especially to see it outside of yourself (so that you aren’t internalizing it is/makes you bad, etc). I am glad you reached out, even if you weren’t able to get another session scheduled. And happy she responded supportively. I hope the weekend is going OK.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Rachel! It is still something that upsets me if I think about it. Just the feeling of having someone grab me – but nobody being there. It’s terrifying. And it’s worse I think because I have no idea where it came from.

      I wish she could talk but appreciate that she isn’t always able to be there for me. So far the weekend is good – having a bachelorette today helped massively. Hopefully tomorrow is as smooth.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You are allowed to be upset, to feel really overwhelmed. How is the weekend going?

    Flashback see very disorienting and frightening. I’ve had feelings from flashbacks last for long times, and it’s hard. I’m sorry you are going through this. Safe hugs, if that is okay. Hold on until Tuesday. It’s not easy, but you can do this. Xx💟

    Liked by 1 person

    • Safe hugs are most definitely welcome, thank you.

      It was really disorienting although I feel kind of far away from it now. I was very distracted all day with my bachelorette and hopefully tomorrow I can fill my time.

      Thank you for validating my experience – it really helps me. The weekend is going well so far, let’s hope it keeps up.

      Like

  4. Hi,

    I think that you did a great job. You are right, you are allowed to feel how you feel. The first thing that I did when I had my first flashback was call my therapist, sit on the floor, and feel like that a child, and that was what I really needed, to hear her voice. Good for you for doing what you needed.

    In regards to you learning more, I say great idea, and I wanted to point out that I have lots of resource pages with links on my blog and here are some that I think you might want to look through as time goes by.

    Healing from Child Sexual Abuse

    https://kate1975.wordpress.com/2010/02/15/resources-healing-from-child-sexual-abuse-links/

    Grounding/Coping Skills

    https://kate1975.wordpress.com/2009/07/31/resources-links-to-groundingcoping-skills/

    Self-Soothe/Comfort Skills

    https://kate1975.wordpress.com/2009/07/31/resources-links-to-self-soothecomfort-articles/

    And here is the main resource page, with links to all my resource pages for healing from child abuse:

    https://kate1975.wordpress.com/resources/

    Try something comforting and some self-care, and some coping skills, sounds like you already have a few really great ones. I love teddy bears and dollies.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Kate,
      Thank you for your comment and for the validation. Also for grabbing on to the fact that I am interested in learning more and pointing me to your resources pages. I appreciate it and have started exploring a bit – I know I will use them more as time goes on. 🙂 thank you again.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel and it is okay to be upset. You’re doing really well with navigating this, especially since it’s your first one. I’m glad you got some stuff to keep you busy tonight, and I hope your bachelorette party is amazing! ❤ 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. A lot of my flashbacks are only the emotional content, and I didn’t realise what they were at first because there was a blurred line between that and just being emotionally hyperactive since I came off antidepressants. I’m starting to realise more when It’s happening and to identify particular triggers, but sometimes I only recognise them after I’ve gone back to normal and then it’s like “whoa, where did that come from?” If there’s anything you want to talk about privately you can always email me (I’m keeping in mind that you barely know me, so maybe that’s not appropriate). Hope you’re ok.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It was such a weird and frightening experience. I think it was definitely a flashback. And I have no idea what the trigger was. Or what the memory is of. So it is very disorienting. And I, for some reason, feel guilty. I’m just trying to be nice to myself, paint a little, get to Tuesday.

      Thank you for your offer – it is not at all innapropriate, and I will keep it in mind.

      Like

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