I am in a lot of pain.
Both emotional and physical, right now. I’m trying to sit with it and to breathe through it and to remind myself that it will end but it is currently a massive struggle.
I am sobbing on my bed with a heating pad trying to stem these cramps. Thankful that it is a Sunday.
I watched a movie about the relationships between mothers and daughters to distract me although I don’t know why I ever thought that was a good idea. It has led to this sobbing from deep within me. A sobbing that echoes throughout this empty home. I don’t think I could stop this pain if I wanted to. It may kill me.
In the throes of this emotionality it feels like this is never going to end. Like all that there will ever be is this hollow emptiness and pain. That there is no reason for being. Please make it end.
I wrote that this morning. It’s six hours later. My body literally gave out and my brain shut everything off and put me back to sleep. I was writing that, and then I woke up six hours later – I slept another six hours without interruption.
I am still posting this for two reasons. One, to remind myself that in those moments of incredible pain that feel life ending, that it doesn’t mean my life is ending. That I can breathe and tolerate it no matter how painful. It will be helpful to come back to this in another painful moment and remember I made it through.
Two, that as much as I would like to believe otherwise, that my body is on my side. It won’t let me experience something I can’t handle. I was legitimately losing my mind and I imagine those characters from inside out at the controls. After a quick calculation of what it is has to get done today (nothing) and figuring out our responsibilities (also nothing) they huddled and hit the emergency “off” button. Allowing me to sleep and reset.
The physical pain has gone away and the emotional pain is much more bearable. I made soup Friday and I am so glad I did because now I am going to get up and eat some and be gentle with myself.
There is no longer this urgency or imminent need to do something to survive. Thank you, brain. I will try to remember we are on the same team here.