How to tell A

I’m struggling with how to tell A about my flashback – it feels so long ago but it is important. I know it is important… I know because I’ve been drunk every night since in some half assed effort to prevent it from happening again. And it’s worked. Drinking has prevented it from happening again (oh don’t worry I know this is a problem). 

I can’t seem to access the part of me that was so terrified. I can’t seem to articulate it. Actually, I wrote out what I wanted to say to her and noticed I didn’t use the word “I”, not once. I describe it as though it happened to someone else. 

“There was a yoga practice and lots of deep breathing. So much was calm. No anxiety. A very relaxed breathing and calm descent into sleep. And all of a sudden the closet appeared. Bam, a door slammed open – the closet with that stupid Orlando Bloom poster was there and the door slammed loudly against the closet and somebody grabbed her left arm and yanked, and that’s when reality set in. Feelings of anxiety and fear flooded over her body.”

See the problem there? I’m not speaking like it happened to me but it did. It happened to me. I leave for MO in two days and I wanted to use tomorrow’s session to discuss coping with the issue but it’s not looking like that’s going to happen. Because this flashback may be more important. Why can’t ANYTHING be linear and consistent?!?

Things feel really disjointed and messy and I’m tempted to not go see A in the morning. To sleep through my appointment and not care about the wasted $200. But a part of me can’t do that. And fuck that part of me. Just fuck it. 

Anybody have any idea on how to tell A about the flashback? I could use some ideas right about now since I see her in 9.5 hours. 

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16 thoughts on “How to tell A

  1. Letters can be very helpful when it’s hard to say something, plus it makes sure that we get across everything we want to. I know you want to talk about your trip to MO, but this is important too. I’m hoping you can split the session and discuss both topics.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad you are giving her the letter; she will know what to do from there. Sometimes it’s just communicating what’s going on, in any way you can. I think it’s wise to use this time to discuss it; it isn’t going away. Sorry! I know for myself, when I drink to cope, it only makes it worse. I know you realize that, but when I can face the flashbacks, it does help. It may be painful at first; You can do this. Prayers for you!

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  3. could you write her a note, with the words, I’ve had a flashback, give it to her, and then possibly go from there, sometimes writing the words down and allowing her to read them is easier, or you could just say you are struggling with remembering things, my guess is she already knows this to some extent. Good luck tomorrow I hope the session is a good one. Sending you lots of hugs. XXX

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  4. I think it depends on which part of telling her you’re worried about. If you’re worried you won’t even be able to bring it up, maybe just send a quick two-line email asking her to remind you about the flashback. If you’re worried you won’t be able to physically talk about it, maybe print your post about it to give to her to read or to read out loud to her. If you think it’ll be too embarrassing to “make a big deal” about it and you’ll brush it off and she won’t understand what a big deal it was and you’ll feel worse, then you could practice talking about it out loud like you’re telling her about it. Notice any minimizing statements you make and how that feels, and keep doing it until you find a version that feels honest. And in general, if I’m feeling anxious about telling a therapist something, I’d read back over an old post about a good session and remember how much better it can feel to be open and feel heard.

    Liked by 2 people

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