I’m struggling with how to tell A about my flashback – it feels so long ago but it is important. I know it is important… I know because I’ve been drunk every night since in some half assed effort to prevent it from happening again. And it’s worked. Drinking has prevented it from happening again (oh don’t worry I know this is a problem).
I can’t seem to access the part of me that was so terrified. I can’t seem to articulate it. Actually, I wrote out what I wanted to say to her and noticed I didn’t use the word “I”, not once. I describe it as though it happened to someone else.
“There was a yoga practice and lots of deep breathing. So much was calm. No anxiety. A very relaxed breathing and calm descent into sleep. And all of a sudden the closet appeared. Bam, a door slammed open – the closet with that stupid Orlando Bloom poster was there and the door slammed loudly against the closet and somebody grabbed her left arm and yanked, and that’s when reality set in. Feelings of anxiety and fear flooded over her body.”
See the problem there? I’m not speaking like it happened to me but it did. It happened to me. I leave for MO in two days and I wanted to use tomorrow’s session to discuss coping with the issue but it’s not looking like that’s going to happen. Because this flashback may be more important. Why can’t ANYTHING be linear and consistent?!?
Things feel really disjointed and messy and I’m tempted to not go see A in the morning. To sleep through my appointment and not care about the wasted $200. But a part of me can’t do that. And fuck that part of me. Just fuck it.
Anybody have any idea on how to tell A about the flashback? I could use some ideas right about now since I see her in 9.5 hours.