Not worth it

I’m feeling like I’m not worth it right now. Not worth the effort to love, not worth the effort to be around. Like I am not worth the effort of going through therapy.

I imagine it takes a lot of effort to be my friend. Or my fiancé – and yet these people think I’m worth it. 

I don’t think I’m worth it… Which is why I’m seeking out yoga therapy as a complement to my current practice with A. 

The yoga therapist I was in touch with today for an intake phone call was lovely. We talked about the importance of creating an internal space where it is safe to tell my story.

She will use invitational or inquisitive language to invite me into a conversation with my body, learning how to listen to myself and trust my instincts again through a combination of therapy and yoga, with no hands on assists. It’s a no touch environment.

It amazes me that over and over my care team and friends and fiancé think I’m worth caring for because honestly I don’t think I’m worth it. I think they’re all batshit crazy to love me and care for me like they do.

I feel like my posts aren’t worth it – which is ironic because I’m posting that. I don’t know. I just don’t know. 

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17 thoughts on “Not worth it

  1. You are worth it. Your posts are worth it. Everything you mentioned is worth it.

    I can relate to what you said about others caring about you. I still sometimes question why my therapist cares, why my close friends care so much about me when they can be caring about someone who matters. My self-worth tends to come in waves.

    I hope the yoga works out for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are worth it, and your posts are worth reading. That being said, I understand those feelings. I honestly don’t know why my hubby loves me or why people like me when I’m not being perfect, but they do. Those old messages we were given are really hard to get rid of.

    I love yoga. I started with a trauma informed private yoga teacher. I have a few posts about her, I think. I loved her. Now, I just go to regular class and also practice at home. My (6 year old autistic)?daughter does yoga with me, too, and I’ve see so much good change in her and how she regulates herself now. I think yoga is a great thing for anyone to use. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are definitely completely worth it! I’m glad you write this blog because it’s how you and I were able to connect. Knowing you has been a blessing! So thank you for writing such honest and powerful posts!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I hear little PD feeling very, very sad and alone and unwanted and unseen. Unworthy. Which makes sense, given how she was treated and left all alone. I’m sorry you’re feeling unworthy and unlovable; those feelings are so painful. And it’s okay to feel sad. It was really sad back then.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Yup, that happens to me often the night before sessions. Such as right now! It’s tough to feel so much.
        Re: yoga therapy – I trained/studied with yoga therapists and I have to say, my experiences with yoga were exceptionally beneficial. Even before I knew I could benefit, I did. So you going in with so much insight, I think you’ll find it powerfully healing (albeit ouchy at times)

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I also think your posts are worth reading, and I’m grateful for our WP friendship. I don’t know anything about yoga therapy but it sounds helpful for getting more in touch with yourself. I’ll be interested to hear how that goes.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know very little as well! A suggested I try a more body focused private practice as a complement to our work. I worked hard to find a yoga therapist who has a clinical supervisor and abides by the ethical codes set out for counsellors even though she has no regulatory body for her practice. It will be interesting, definitely.

      I’m grateful for our WP friendship too.

      Liked by 1 person

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