I don’t think this morning pre-session could have gone worse. My stomach hated me so I didn’t sleep well, I was up at 6am and anxious.
Then it’s the first day back to school and the transit system hasn’t adjusted (the same thing happens every year so HOW they haven’t figured it out yet I don’t know). I left an hour early, needing half an hour transit time, and four buses drove by me full. I ended up ten minutes late.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, pisses me off more than being late to see A. Anyone, really. I find being late so disrespectful, and it’s one of the things I try to always do for her, is be on time. So that started us off great. I also forgot my wallet so I couldn’t pay her, which made me even MORE angry with myself.
I gave her the letter I wrote and she read it and I just didn’t want to talk. She kept asking me what was going on and I was just snapping back at her. She gave it some space and silence and said: “Something is going on with you. I can’t tell if it’s the contents of this letter or you’re upset about something else. But I can see it. Can you help me understand?”
I cried for a bit about how all I ever want is to feel safe in my own home and how this flashback destroyed that. She tried to get me to talk to her more about it, and I clammed up. I talked in circles with her and told her everything was fine and generally danced around the topic and refused to be present.
“PD, I want you to get something out of today. You are going to be frustrated if you leave and haven’t addressed what you want to address. Let me help you address it.”
Eventually I told her I didn’t think I could talk to her about it today. Being late threw me off, I knew we only had a half hour left, and that I didn’t want to spend the time not talking to her. Especially if she wasn’t going to ask me about it.
“You are in the drivers seat. I am never going to try to extract something out of you or force a conversation. Because you will then tell me what you think I want to hear and not how you feel. You need to validate this experience for yourself, you need to have the control. I encourage you to come back to this later, after your trip. Maybe in a double session week. What else did you want to talk about?”
So I told her about yoga therapy with Rebecca – who I talked to on the phone yesterday. I am going to start seeing her soon as a complementary practice. I swear that A never looks as proud as when I tell her I’m taking new steps to heal. A was overjoyed and excited and had nice questions and so that was a nice deviation from being all over the place. I started to calm down and be more present.
At the end we talked about coping and being in MO. We talked about remembering that I can only control myself. That maybe I should show them my true self and try to challenge the narrative of the past. I set a goal to not drink 5/11 days I’m there.. so we will see.
And she wrote me a note. She wrote me the most wonderful note, so that I have something when I’m feeling lost on my trip. I had snuck a request for something into the end of my letter because I was way too scared to ask, and she listened and addressed it.
May this note help remind you that you are enough. Strong enough, whole enough, supported enough. Whatever the difficulty, remember that the work is to gather yourself in your entirety with loving intention. From there, you will know what to do.
See you when you get home,
All the best, A”
Have I said before that I love her?
So I am glad we left on a decent note and I will bring the flashback back up at a different time… I fly out tomorrow. Here goes nothing. As long as I don’t forget that note.