Session Today

I don’t think this morning pre-session could have gone worse. My stomach hated me so I didn’t sleep well, I was up at 6am and anxious.

Then it’s the first day back to school and the transit system hasn’t adjusted (the same thing happens every year so HOW they haven’t figured it out yet I don’t know). I left an hour early, needing half an hour transit time, and four buses drove by me full. I ended up ten minutes late. 

Nothing, absolutely nothing, pisses me off more than being late to see A. Anyone, really. I find being late so disrespectful, and it’s one of the things I try to always do for her, is be on time. So that started us off great. I also forgot my wallet so I couldn’t pay her, which made me even MORE angry with myself. 

I gave her the letter I wrote and she read it and I just didn’t want to talk. She kept asking me what was going on and I was just snapping back at her. She gave it some space and silence and said: “Something is going on with you. I can’t tell if it’s the contents of this letter or you’re upset about something else. But I can see it. Can you help me understand?”

I cried for a bit about how all I ever want is to feel safe in my own home and how this flashback destroyed that. She tried to get me to talk to her more about it, and I clammed up. I talked in circles with her and told her everything was fine and generally danced around the topic and refused to be present. 

PD, I want you to get something out of today. You are going to be frustrated if you leave and haven’t addressed what you want to address. Let me help you address it.”

Eventually I told her I didn’t think I could talk to her about it today. Being late threw me off, I knew we only had a half hour left, and that I didn’t want to spend the time not talking to her. Especially if she wasn’t going to ask me about it. 

“You are in the drivers seat. I am never going to try to extract something out of you or force a conversation. Because you will then tell me what you think I want to hear and not how you feel. You need to validate this experience for yourself, you need to have the control. I encourage you to come back to this later, after your trip. Maybe in a double session week. What else did you want to talk about?”

So I told her about yoga therapy with Rebecca – who I talked to on the phone yesterday. I am going to start seeing her soon as a complementary practice. I swear that A never looks as proud as when I tell her I’m taking new steps to heal. A was overjoyed and excited and had nice questions and so that was a nice deviation from being all over the place. I started to calm down and be more present. 

At the end we talked about coping and being in MO. We talked about remembering that I can only control myself. That maybe I should show them my true self and try to challenge the narrative of the past. I set a goal to not drink 5/11 days I’m there.. so we will see. 

And she wrote me a note. She wrote me the most wonderful note, so that I have something when I’m feeling lost on my trip. I had snuck a request for something into the end of my letter because I was way too scared to ask, and she listened and addressed it.

PD, 

May this note help remind you that you are enough. Strong enough, whole enough, supported enough. Whatever the difficulty, remember that the work is to gather yourself in your entirety with loving intention. From there, you will know what to do. 

See you when you get home,

All the best, A” 

Have I said before that I love her? 

So I am glad we left on a decent note and I will bring the flashback back up at a different time… I fly out tomorrow. Here goes nothing. As long as I don’t forget that note. 

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9 thoughts on “Session Today

  1. I hate being late, too. I’m glad A gets how awful it is to leave a session and feel like you “wasted” it, and I’m really glad that she was able to help you get to a place where the session felt more connected. I know you didn’t get to talk about what you planned on, but A knows about the flashback and you can circle back to it at a time when you can really deal with it. And her note is perfect. Have a safe flight tomorrow. You can do this. Xx💟

    Liked by 1 person

      • It’s okay. Your trip will be over sooner than you think. Try to stay grounded in the good moments, breathe through the hard stuff, and journal, blog, email A, whatever you need to do to get out the feelings and feel supported. I know all of that is easier said than done, but hang in there. You can do this.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s really nice that A understands the frustration of leaving a session feeling as if you haven’t achieved anything because you can’t bring yourself to talk about the thing you really need to talk about, and was able to help you work around that.

    I hate being late as well. I am always worried I’ll be in trouble if I’m late, so running late makes me extremely anxious. I can actually measure my anxiety level and how well I am coping in my life generally by how early I need to be to not feel anxious (generally 15-20 minutes before the start time of something, but at one stage last year I needed an hour before therapy appointments, and then I’d sit and read a book outside the building so I didn’t look desperate by doing it in the waiting area).

    Liked by 1 person

    • Running late this morning drove me crazy – even though I had emailed ahead to tell A and I knew she knew it just felt like throwing such valuable time away.

      After that I knew I wouldn’t settle. And it was better to get something out of it than nothing at all, especially when I am leaving tomorrow!

      Like

  3. Being late would completely throw me off too! I’d just be angry the entire time. I’m glad you gave A the letter, even if now wasn’t the time to discuss it. It sounds like talking about yoga therapy was a nice deviation in the conversation to help lift your mood.
    And I love the note A gave you! Take a picture of it so you have it on your phone in the event you forget the physical note (I take pics of everything so I’ll have it… maybe that’s weird…). Hope you have a safe trip.

    Liked by 1 person

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