I am way too tired today.
Not sleeping is twofold for me. First, it lets me know that I’m not okay. I’m too anxious to sleep well or thrown off by something. In this case it’s honestly both the time change and my adventures with my SIL last night.
Secondly though, if I don’t sleep for long enough in a row, I lose my self control and ability to cope. It’s what happened last summer, and I’m going on day three of not really sleeping well. Less than 5 hours a night.
Super red flag.
So I decided to try and nap today, and to stay calm. I also decided to not drink. I’m trying to hit five days of eleven totally sober – which would be an achievement for me in MO – and I overdid it last night, so it seemed like a good first step to get one of those days over with.
I had planned to get a lot of work done and to tackle some freelance projects and we were going downtown to meet up with extended family and family friends who had flown in from Europe.
The whole ride down my parents are bickering – they keep consulting the Waze app and then arguing over it and not listening to it. Which honestly is simply annoying. I’d point it out, but then I’d get in trouble. Any observations I make are consistently shut down.
On the way to lunch I was texting and my Mom was constantly “who is that. What are you saying. Is that your brother? I didn’t know you and <brother> talked. What are you talking about?” The constant micro management was stifling.
After lunch, which was fine if extravagant – I only fielded the not drinking question once – we were back in the car discussion the bill, and my father was trying to figure out who didn’t drink
Him: “and three people didn’t even drink. Your two Aunts”
Me: “And me”
Him: “Well you had enough to drink last night by the sounds of it.”
Really? Really Dad? My alcoholic parents are telling me I drink too much? I actually bit my tongue to stay silent because getting into it with him would be pointless. It’s amazing to me the amount of judgment. Especially considering my Mom was visibly shaking in the morning at the breakfast table and had stopped post her lunch wine…
I’m 28, and I have the freedom to make my own choices. In a different moment I made a comment about how a family member of mine is really rigid and inflexible and he barked at me, “enough!”
When we got back I really wanted some space. I was stressed out and everything felt pressurized. I spend a lot of time focusing on how to best respond to my Mom. I can’t remember who wrote it originally, if it was Attachment Girl or Andi, but one of them in a blog post I read a month ago wrote I would have a lot more compassion for my Mom if she wasn’t my Mom. It’s true. I would. I want the fact that I am her daughter to supersede her emotions. And it doesn’t, and it won’t.
So I escaped upstairs to have a nap and she walked right in to the room without knocking and sat down and kept talking to me, really just complaining about things. And once she left, I slept, and she came in an hour later – again no warning – to wake me up. I feel like I am racing to get changed because I don’t know when she will barge in. I asked her to close the door when she left so I could change and she was like “it’s nothing I haven’t seen before!” And left it open. I’m sitting here topless cause I sleep that way and the door is wide open. I wanted to say Mom, it’s not about whether or not you are comfortable invading my privacy it’s about me wanting that privacy. Yea you saw me naked when I was a child but I’m not a kid anymore, and I would prefer the door shut – but I didn’t and couldn’t. Asserting myself is hard.
I also can’t write anything here or let A’s note out of its hiding spot for too long. It’s like I’m back to sweeping my emotions under the rug. And with everyone snapping and being sassy all day long, it’s taken a lot of effort to not be drinking. But I’m proud of myself and I know my body will thank me and I know that A believes in me – so I am working on it.
I need to do work around how to firmly set boundaries, and how to not let my parents words or behaviours affect mine so deeply. Here’s hoping for some sleep tonight.