It’s day one.
I’m already cursing A’s out of session contact policy. I know that her purpose in my life is not as a crisis line, and I respect and adore these boundaries because I believe that it truly allows her to join me completely in session and not burn out, but I wish I could call her and tell her how messed up this feels
I’ve been here less than 48 hours. Tally was already at one glass of wine post landing and another 4-9 post that. I’m exhausted, which doesn’t help, and facing a long day.
It’s like the walls here know my secrets. Nobody has actually even done anything. My Dad picked me up at 3am and was lovely and kind. Haven’t even seen or heard from my brother. The dog is my favourite living creature in this house, as always. The only thing my Mom did was make some flippant comment about how much happier I was to see the dog than anyone else and like – that’s true.
But the walls literally vibrate with my secrets. It is hard to remain grounded in my present – it is like everything A ever taught me, everything we worked on… is gone. I can’t access it. I’ve shut off my feelings.
In other news, my sister in law is amazing. I spent time with just her and my niece tonight – and after my neice went to bed we talked about so much. And she sees that my family is fucked too. She VALIDATED that I was normal to feel the way I felt. We got very drunk but we vented about a lot. And it was helpful. I also believe she is the woman my brother needs. She is going to help him, just like my fiancé helped me.
Speaking of my fiancé, he had dinner with my parents tonight, alone. Everyone seems to be happy but that always freaks me out. I like to manage their relationship. And I plain just miss him.x
God I don’t know. Day 1 down, definitely a drinking day. It’s just easier. But I pull out the note from A and wish I had more space to process this.