MO Day 4

Day three went as planned – smoothly. We partied, saw people we hadn’t seen in a long time, met some new people. I got to spend time with my fiancé for the first time in sixteen days. Most importantly, we were there for two very important friends on their wedding day.

I could have drank less – should have – but it was manageable this morning. Weddings are on my “acceptable to drink” list. My fiancé has now gone back home and I’m here for another week.

Seven more days.

The biggest issue I’m having is the lack of respect for my stuff. I stayed in a hotel last night with my fiancé, and when I got back, it appears my brother and sister in law shared the room I am staying in.

Cool – absolutely no problem with that. Not my house. But had I known, I would have moved my stuff somewhere else. Because when I got back today all of my stuff was moved. I can’t find half my clothes. I left the old journals I went on a hunt to find in that room which I wouldn’t have done. It’s clear my face cream and toothpaste and bathroom stuff was used AND they left it a mess. Although I’m 100% sure it was actually my Mom moving stuff around.

And I was like “hey Dad, do you know where my stuff went?” And he was like “no, but they’ll be back soon.” And I was like “k, well it would have been nice of them to leave it as it was” and he goes “don’t even start with me. Your mother was just cleaning up. You know what they are like.”

Yes. Yes I do. But I also now know what living in an environment where your stuff is respected and not moved is like. Is it so hard to be like “do you mind moving your stuff for me so your brother and SIL can sleep there?”

No. It’s not.

Anyways. Outside of that I had an AMAZING bridal shower. My one maid of honour is causing drama which is frustrating but whatever – and also is so typical of bridal parties (I’ve been in several).

I had the most epic time with these ladies. I have curated such a brilliant team of people in my life who care about me and didn’t even realize it until we were all in the room. And my Mom was great too – she seemed to really enjoy herself. It was lovely – truly lovely.

It’s hard though, watching her in social situations. She never feels quite comfortable. It’s like she is self conscious and unsure. She wants to be a part of everything, always. Tonight I was texting and she was like “what are you doing? Who are you talking to?” And I realized that is afraid of being excluded. I also mentioned I wouldn’t be home for Christmas because I am here almost the entire month of October for the wedding. She also wants to come to my bachelorette party and she seems so lonely and sad sometimes and I no longer wonder why I am so inclined to constantly appease or include her. But is that my job? I’m so sad that she is so sad but I can’t fix it and being there constantly makes me sad… so what’s the right answer? I let her be sad and me be happy? Or I appease her and am unhappy?

I’m tired. I am exhausted. I need a social time out. And I have to get up at 6am to go to see my Grandma WHICH is important because she is sick… and I don’t know how long we have – she may not be at the wedding – but then I have to work all day.

I’m coming to accept that I will have no rest until I leave next Sunday… which is hard. I need the relief talking to A will provide but I also worry that it will be triggering – I am pretty walled off here from my emotions. And it’s her job to help me access them. I actually feel like I don’t even know her here… I’m a different person.

Anyways. Day 4 complete. My med box has only 1 pill a day left, so 7 days to go (We have never talked meds, have we?) 

I Can do. Totally can do this. 

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2 thoughts on “MO Day 4

  1. I’m glad the wedding and bridal shower went well. It’s not your job to make your mom happy. I can understand feeling like it is your job, and feeling guilty, but it’s not your job, especially if it makes you unhappy. It’s hard to sort that out, and I don’t have an answer. I just know that we are only responsible for our own happiness. We can help others to be happy, but ultimately we are responsible for ourselves.

    Liked by 1 person

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