MO Day 5: How Do I Feel?

Among other things, I had a phone call with A today. It was a long day. Is a long day. It is still a long day.

I had to lie to my parents and get my Mom’s car so I could be out of the house and somewhere private to have the conversation. It was honestly frustrating. I was frustrated to hear her and just angry we weren’t in the same space. At first I really couldn’t feel and I was bouncing all over the place and not focused in ANY way.. I was talking about everyone else and she kept drawing me back to my own feelings (where I do NOT want to be) and eventually she interrupted me sternly – but lovingly – and said something like this.

She was like “PD, you are doing a lot of talking about them and their feelings right now. And there is a time and place for that. You’ve mapped out their patterns so you know about it. And that was what you needed to do. But now, you need to be focused on you – because you’re so triggered and in an environment where you do not want to be focusing on you. Tell me what the end goal is – and how we will focus on you.”

I kept resisting her and circling around and it was so so frustrating to be in that space and distracted. I promised her that I would try to breathe deeply, to try to focus on me, to take a step back and observe from a distance, and to at least ask myself “How do I feel?”

I’ve been trying to ask myself how I feel and get centred since then. I will try until Wednesday, and then I’m out.

So how do I feel? I don’t know. My first instinct, was selfish. I feel selfish for focusing on me.

I tried to identify my feelings throughout the night. To step back from patterns I saw emerging. I found anxiety, trepidation, sadness, worry – but not focused on me necessarily. Anxiety around something happening, sadness and worry towards my Mom. Are those external? Why are feelings so hard. Honestly – the disconnect is so overwhelming.

I was mad at A today and I don’t even know why. And now I’m working until 8pm because we went to see my very sick grandma this morning and that was emotional and upsetting in a different way.

And then my Mom and I had a Big Talk in the garden where I suggested she see a counsellor and she agreed but then said money was the issue and I dismissed that as an excuse and then she said she can’t tell my Dad and I just see her stress and upset. She can’t tell my Dad – her partner for 30 years, that she is hurting and needs his help. She pays for everyone else to do things. And she kept apologizing to me for ruining my vacation by being sad. I told her that it was fine and she kept apologizing… and I told her by apologizing and insisting she was horrible she was dismissing my feelings. I told her multiple times I was feeling close to her and compassionate. And she said she couldn’t talk about it anymore. I thought we were getting somewhere and maybe she would get help… Or think about it. But no. I tried. I tried to be a “witness” in her emotions as A told me (because I wanted to help my Mom but I can’t fix her, so A said the best way to help is to be a witness to her process). 

So, how do I feel?

Exhausted. Angry. Stressed. Messy. Sad.

 

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8 thoughts on “MO Day 5: How Do I Feel?

  1. Your mom, really tough. She is not as self-aware as you are, which makes it hard to get much across. Sorry you had to sneak around to have your phone call – there really isn’t much space for you there, is it? To be yourself, autonomously. It sounds so.. pressurized and stressful. Fuck no to that! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is – but then A said “you know you can’t fix her or this. It isn’t your job. And it’s not even possible.” And I said “that frustrates me!”

      She said most people are relieved and why am I frustrated and I said because at the end of the day I love her – and I think loving her so much is what makes it so hard sometimes.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Absolutely – it really hurts to not be able to make it better, and to watch someone you really love suffer. You can’t just turn off the care, even with the dysfunction. It is so hard.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s hard to connect to our own feelings. It’s like we try to protect ourselves by being disconnected to them. I’m glad you were able to name some things you’re feeling.
    Also, it must’ve been very hard to have that talk with your mom. It took a lot of courage. And you did try, you did what you could and maybe it’ll be on her mind and she will come back and talk to you about it.

    Like

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