I thought about a lot of titles for this. To put in the part after the count. “The energy vampire” “Failed at my goals” “Great conversation” “Wedding planning Queen”.
I don’t really know what to write. I chalk it up to not knowing how I feel right now.
The four of us were here tonight together – my brother flies away tomorrow so he is staying with us tonight. It was… better than I thought. He is clearly doing a lot of work in therapy. But it’s hard having him here – it all becomes about him. My mom packed his fucking suitcase for him. My Dad picked him up and bought stuff he was missing and it’s just SO enabling. I have to note the improvement though and give credit where credit is due. Because normally we would have meltdown and instead he’s gone to bed early and is trying to deal with his anxiety and I got a good hug and I can’t remember the last time that happened.
And I caught my Mom crying tonight and asked her why, and she said cause she expected a meltdown and it didn’t happen. I am kind of surprised too, that we made it through in one piece… so far. My mom said she is crying cause she doesn’t know the last time she felt like she could take a breath – and I agree. I fully expected the world to explode tonight, and so far, it hasn’t. Which is shocking in a different way – I spent so much time and energy trying to make it better and that effort didn’t even matter?
I’m really tired and kind of overwhelmed too with the cost and stress of the wedding – I met with three vendors today. Add in my freelance responsibilities and stress with working from far away and I have a course to write and NO time in the next few days. And it’s getting to be too much. I need to catch up. But I have no time. I fear it will be like this until the wedding.
I also, sadly, have had very little quality time with my family while here. I know you’re like but PD, they are the source of all your pain and trauma and I’m like yes, I know, but I also love them and isn’t that just shit.
I had lunch with my Mom today while we were out vendor shopping and that was awesome – because we talked again. The food was amazing, we shared this shrimp appetizer and then talked. And we had wine but we talked. Again about my brother and growing up and how it was hard. She agreed. There are still things in the way but I find if I’m mindful of her feelings I can speak my truth a lot more confidently than in the past.
I did break my goals with A though. Obviously, if I had wine. I took a nap so I got my hour in, and I have been trying to check in with myself – but I feel like I have failed her.
So yea. I’m overwhelmed. I am stressed. I feel like a failure, and part of me doesnt want to leave. Fuck.