All anyone wanted to talk about yesterday was brother.
“He’s been so stressed and he’s working so hard, I’m just hoping when he gets there he can enjoy it.”
Brother. Brother. Brother.
There’s nothing wrong with what they’re saying at all, really. I’m just so jealous.
And my mom told me she misses hanging out with me and misses being with me and I feel like I should be here and living for her. And then the thoughts start.
I am the worst. I am a failure. Self harm tendencies – where is this coming from? I expected a meltdown last night and didn’t get one – isn’t that a good thing? He literally can’t melt down anymore. He’s on a trip.
And then that nightmare and to top it all off I had a 2 hour discussion with my boss about why I need off early Monday and Thursday and how important it is I see A, and then he was lamenting the lack of consistency in her timing but reluctantly granted me permission and this morning I get an email saying how she needs to change our appointment to 8am because of child care issues. And like, fine, I know she has kids and she’s never done this before but it’s like I just argued and called in some serious favour to get something I don’t need anymore. So I had to message my boss AGAIN and he is the least impressed person ever right now… which of course makes me question how much work I did from here and did I work hard enough and now I will find time to do work again… on my “day off”
To top it off the times A suggested also don’t work for me. In fact, they work even less than 4:30pm did. I can’t go away for 11 days and spend the first hour I am supposed to be back at work at counselling. And I can’t really do Tuesday since my work day is supposed to start at 7:30am, but I’ll plead alarm failure or something. Like, fuck.
A big part of me wants to not see her this week at all as some form of punishing her. Maybe a week off would be good. I can be dedicated to work and not leave, re-establish my value that I feel has been lost. Stabilize a bit. I feel like my email back to her was a bit unfair – I hesitated before sending it. It was, in some way, intended to make her feel guilty. I am upset though – just as I thought I would be able to make it through and see her and actively fought for that permission JUST last night… she switches it on me. And now I am likely going to have to go until Thursday without seeing her. And honestly I’m tempted to cancel everything.
I could likely do 8am Tuesday but only for an hour. The flexibility my work has been willing to demonstrate is wearing thin – I had to fight to get permission for Monday and Thursday at 4:30pm.
Let’s say Tuesday at 8am for an hour and I will let you know within the appropriate time frame if that isn’t something I can do.
Two more nights. Two more nights.
I’m escaping the city today and will have some good solid solo drive time so hopefully that helps me reset. Right now I am just frustrated and mad – and guilty – and it’s all mostly directed inward.
Addition: This day is not going well. I went to have a shower thinking it would calm me and give me space and I discover that my shampoo was moved somewhere. My $30 shampoo that I buy because it’s the only one that doesn’t give me dandruff and I can’t find it now and I KNOW this is my Mom “cleaning up” and I feel ridiculous for saying something but is there absolutely no consideration for people’s belongings?! Am I being ridiculous?? They would be like “it’s just $30” and I would be like “yea, except that’s a carefully saved $30 because I need to find $1200 a month to undo all the shit that happened here and refuse to be indebted to you so that $30 is important to me.” And then they’d say “don’t overreact”.
I don’t know why I bother. I hate A right now. I hate being here. Apparently 7 days is my limit.
And now I have to put on my carefully developed outer shell and entertain some guests. Host PD is alive, and the rest of me can go sit on those internal stairs of mine until it’s safe to talk.
Shampoo Update: my Mom has packed my shampoo into my brothers suitcase to go with him on his trip. I am so unbelievably livid right now. Trying not to cry so I can get dressed and appear before they come find me.