Our whole family is hanging around including some Aunts. It’s fuzzy but I’m trying to get my Mom’s attention.
There’s fighting and it’s like nothing makes sense. All I know is that she takes a second to pause, has something I really want or need, and deliberately withholds it from me. Maliciously.
The nightmare is more about feelings than about what is going on – it is clear in my head but fuzzy seconds after. I’m left with this intense grief and heartache.
I wish I remembered more. I just woke up, because my Mom came in to see if I was okay because I was yelling in my sleep.
She sat with me and was stroking my hair and asked me what was wrong and I told her the dream was about fighting with her and she said “that makes me sad”.
There is this absolute crushing longing, an ache in my chest. The kind that brings you to your knees in grief at a funeral.
The contrast is too much for me right now. The irony of my dream Mom being angry and malicious and the real Mom being kind and checking on me because I’m yelling in my sleep.
She was never malicious (feeling the need to protect her on my anonymous blog) but maybe that is how I felt sometimes – so left out and alone. And she was always there after a bad nightmare but did you catch how it became all about her? She was upset I was upset over a bad dream about her.
I don’t even know.
I should try to go back to bed with this absolute crushing grief hanging around. We should try to become friends. I don’t think it’s leaving anytime soon.