I find myself (unfairly?) frustrated with you today. I know that first and foremost you are a Mom, and that things happen, but I was really hanging on to Monday’s appointment. It was my lifeline. I needed it.
I had such a rough few last days in MO and that is what I was clinging on to and your email kind of crushed me. Not only did it come immediately after I argued for the right to see you and called in some serious favour with my boss – but it also made me feel abandoned.
My instinct was to cancel everything as a way of punishing you — which logically would only hurt me. I am not sure you would care, really. But it’s my way of protecting myself. Because I needed you on Monday. Not on Tuesday or Thursday – Monday. And I needed you Monday evening because I can’t come back to work late after 11 days off and I cant go to work emotional at 9am. And I know you don’t ever work Monday’s but if I remember you said “I will be in the office anyways so let’s go with that.” Why make the appointment if you can’t commit?
I needed the promise of you. And I needed fiancé and Lu and N. And I got none of that and in fact got my reassurance and promise of you torn away from me. There was a pervasive loneliness I haven’t felt in a while. Of not being understood by those around me. I was driving around yesterday and I was like “so that’s what that is. Hey MO loneliness, it’s been a while.”
And your email felt so formal, too. “I apologize for the inconvenience” is like something you write to someone you don’t know. I needed you to recognize how big this was for me. How much this change YOU were instituting might affect me. I needed you to write something like “I realize this is probably a stressful change, and I hope we find a time to meet. I wouldn’t do this unless it wa San absolute emergency.” I felt dismissed, and I didn’t like it. Consistency in my therapeutic relationships is key – and I don’t think your childcare problems should become my responsibility to weather.
My initial reaction was to take a break. “Maybe I need a reset week”, “maybe this is too much”, “maybe I should just see her Thursday and give myself time to settle”.
I know things change. I know stuff happens and will happen – but I really needed it to not happen right now. I promised myself I would wait until tomorrow to cancel or not – but I am not feeling super hopeful about us right now… and this is the worst place for me to feel that way.
Addendum: I emailed her after writing this and asked for Monday at 8am instead. I am hoping it’s still available. If not, I am probably going to cancel Tuesday and try to regroup.