Trigger warning – sexual assault? (I can’t even believe I’m writing that).
I don’t even know.
I’m tired. Woke up this morning feeling hopeful. Things were ending. Had a decent morning… but last night was weird. Our ‘family’ from overseas was staying with us last night and at midnight it was me and the 37 year old male ‘cousin’ (we are not actually biologically related) up. And Europeans of his heritage are pretty affectionate by nature but he was all over me on the couch – while my fiancé was at home and his girlfriend was sleeping downstairs. He had his hand on my thigh and lower back and was massaging my neck and kissing it – had me pinned to the cushions – and he reached down my pants and into me – and I somehow managed to extract myself – and I went to go upstairs – and all I can say was “I’m going to bed” – but then he went to hug goodnight and he had his hand under my shirt on my chest and on my ass and I am like… I don’t know – it was unwanted but I didn’t say anything and there is so many thoughts swirling around. I think I’ve shut it out and shut down the part of me even willing to consider it as something but he was all over me and I don’t know how to feel but it felt so uncomfortable and anyways… I feel like I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I don’t even know how to identify the experience – it doesn’t feel ‘big enough’ to warrant the reaction I’m having.
I woke up and had breakfast with them. He held me too long to say goodbye even when I struggled to be let go.
Then I went to my best friend/maid of honours house for a while and thank god cause I was so overwhelmed from this thing with A and with the cousin and packing and my family and her house is always my escape so it felt good. She actually helped a lot.
Then I packed and went to a wedding of good friends which was fun-ish but not cause I was sober and there was not a DJ but they were happy I was there and they were cute and I danced.
I am all over the place. Do I get to go home yet?