MO Day 11: I’m done 

This morning sums up my life living in MO better than I ever could. I wake up, and my Mom and Dad aren’t here. It’s my last morning, and they aren’t here. So I pack and shower and get out and they grab me breakfast and coffee and we are chatting about the wedding and then my brother facetime’s my Mom. She picks up – and starts talking to him and ignoring anybody else. She is looking at me every time he says something like I’m supposed to give feedback. So I went upstairs. And then after she was done she came up and started telling me all about him and her makeup bag… where my makeup is suddenly living. She mistook my foundation with hers. And then she started saying all about how she is sad she didn’t get time with me this morning. 

I am done. 

I am done physically being in MO. In an hour I head to the airport.

I am done emotionally. I had to pinch myself this morning in order to feel something. I am so far removed from myself. And when it comes crashing down, I am painfully aware that I don’t trust or want to talk to A right now.

I am done with her stupidly frustrating scheduling changes that come with a lack of apology. Doesn’t she know how I am feeling? No, she doesn’t, and I see all these signs she cares, but mainly, I feel like a powder keg, and if I see her email in my inbox again before Monday, I am cancelling. 

I am done being everybody’s punching bag. 

I am so done with weddings and fancy things and shoes and thousand dollar dresses. The cost of my wedding would cover my counselling for over a year. A year. 

I am done. At some point I will read over these posts – I’m glad I kept a daily diary while here. These last few days have been the most rough and now I know I need more support at the end of a trip than the beginning. I’ve probably learned a lot of things. But right now I feel nothing, hollow, empty, guilty, angry, alone. 

In one hour I will be at the airport. And I will breathe the biggest sigh of relief. And in 5 hours after that my fiancé will pick me up at the airport and I will take a breath of fresh air and either feel better or break down. Or worst of all, still feel nothing.

Instead of being a lifeline, something to hold on to and look forward to, the appointment with A has become a source of stress. The primary stress over the last few days – and that’s not okay. 

But I don’t know how to bring it up with her. I tried writing a letter but get lost at all the back and forth. Any ideas that don’t involve me just sitting down and yelling would be helpful. 

I’m done. I’m so done. 

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11 thoughts on “MO Day 11: I’m done 

  1. I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time. 😦 sometimes, feeling anger towards our therapists can be scarier than being angry at anyone else. They’ve become this person we thought we could trust but then, I think it’s helpful to remember that they too are humans and we need to adjust our expectations. I certainly expect too much from S sometimes.

    As for what you could do… Well, whenever I’m in distress, I’ll try to sit down and write a letter to S. I know you said you got lost but I think even if it were back and forth, just keep going. Then bring the letter to session and read it to her. I think if she’s a good therapist, she will appreciate you bringing it up because sometimes they don’t know that they’ve upset you. S would tell me the same – that he appreciates that I can bring things up with him so he can do better.

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  2. I really feel for you. I’ve been unsettled in my relationship with E this entire summer, and it all started over her request for a scheduling change. There are so many layers in there. It was a frustration over the rescheduling, but it was so much more. It was feeling I’m not important to her, and being unimportant pretty much defined my adolescence and my first marriage. It was thinking I could trust her by expressing that I was disconcerted by her request–but then she reacted to me in ways that made me feel worse. It’s the way I have been trying to win her back all summer, to bask in the warm affection I used to feel from her (at least some of the time) and which seems to have cooled. It’s that the feeling I can’t trust her to hold my anger is the same feeling I had (have) about my mom and my stepdad and my ex husband and my former colleagues at work.

    Well, now I’m running on a bit. I think I was just trying to say that it’s painful to be mad at your therapist, and it’s complicated. But it’s okay. We can tolerate the emotions, and so can they.

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    • Thank you – and it’s ok that you ran on a bit. I appreciate what you have said.

      It is painful – problem is it seems to be the other me who is mad and this me is just, complacent? I feel like two separate people.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh definitely, the contradictory emotions are just part of it all, and sometimes they are both so strong that it does feel like you are more than one person. And at that point it is easy to try to repress the angry part, or to tell yourself that part is immature or unreasonable. But it’s a valid part of us too.

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  3. I might be way off base here, but I’m going out on a limb anyway… Because I think you can tell me “No, Kristen. That’s not it at all!” and forgive me for being so wrong:)

    Ok, this is what I see in your last few posts: moving swiftly in your writing between your relationship with your Mom and then your relationship with A.

    I see you having to leave your Mom, and a lot of the pain you feel in your relationship (28 years of it) in MO right now. So that you can cope and function. I totally get that BTW…

    Your relationship with A is a therapeutic one. In many ways, A has been giving you the affirmation and validation your Mom was responsible for giving you and didn’t. You can see clearly that your Mom isn’t capable of doing so. You know that A is. And so, A is a safer target for your feelings– ones you know you need to resolve, but can’t do so with your Mom.

    I’m not defending A. I’m not saying you should empathize with A over yourself. What I’m saying is, up until this point, your relationship with A has been very good and healing for you. If she’s a good therapist (sounds like she is) she will be able to help you sort out your feelings towards her from your feeling towards your Mom. Therapists are trained to expect clients to direct anger and frustration towards them that is largely sourced elsewhere. Bring this all into your next session. If you can handle 11 days in MO in that warzone that is your family of origin, I know you can hash this out with A. I think it would be therapeutic for you to do so. Role play your next session with a friend or your fiancé… Sometimes writing it out isn’t enough.

    Just my thoughts. Feel free to discard them if I’m way off base here!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Yelling might be okay. It would be a release for you. Being home tonight might be enough to get you back into yourself to where you are able to write a letter. Or maybe write some bullet points rather than a letter. You don’t have to decide right now, wait a bit and see if being home helps. And I’m sorry that your morning went that way too.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this. I wish I had the words to help you feel better. Maybe write A a letter anyway, and yell as much as you want. You don’t even need to send it to her, just getting it out might help a little.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Another option is to find out what was happening on her end – “I told you in my emails that the repeated rescheduling was causing issues with my boss and was stressful for me and I found it really upsetting when you didn’t apologise – I am wondering why you didn’t respond to my feelings at all”. But honestly, I think yelling wouldn’t be so bad.

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  7. Maybe not yell, but showing her that you are really angry and frustrated might be good. It beats sitting there crying, which is probably what I’d be doing after all that. Hope there is some relief from being back on familiar ground with someone you love.

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