This morning sums up my life living in MO better than I ever could. I wake up, and my Mom and Dad aren’t here. It’s my last morning, and they aren’t here. So I pack and shower and get out and they grab me breakfast and coffee and we are chatting about the wedding and then my brother facetime’s my Mom. She picks up – and starts talking to him and ignoring anybody else. She is looking at me every time he says something like I’m supposed to give feedback. So I went upstairs. And then after she was done she came up and started telling me all about him and her makeup bag… where my makeup is suddenly living. She mistook my foundation with hers. And then she started saying all about how she is sad she didn’t get time with me this morning.
I am done.
I am done physically being in MO. In an hour I head to the airport.
I am done emotionally. I had to pinch myself this morning in order to feel something. I am so far removed from myself. And when it comes crashing down, I am painfully aware that I don’t trust or want to talk to A right now.
I am done with her stupidly frustrating scheduling changes that come with a lack of apology. Doesn’t she know how I am feeling? No, she doesn’t, and I see all these signs she cares, but mainly, I feel like a powder keg, and if I see her email in my inbox again before Monday, I am cancelling.
I am done being everybody’s punching bag.
I am so done with weddings and fancy things and shoes and thousand dollar dresses. The cost of my wedding would cover my counselling for over a year. A year.
I am done. At some point I will read over these posts – I’m glad I kept a daily diary while here. These last few days have been the most rough and now I know I need more support at the end of a trip than the beginning. I’ve probably learned a lot of things. But right now I feel nothing, hollow, empty, guilty, angry, alone.
In one hour I will be at the airport. And I will breathe the biggest sigh of relief. And in 5 hours after that my fiancé will pick me up at the airport and I will take a breath of fresh air and either feel better or break down. Or worst of all, still feel nothing.
Instead of being a lifeline, something to hold on to and look forward to, the appointment with A has become a source of stress. The primary stress over the last few days – and that’s not okay.
But I don’t know how to bring it up with her. I tried writing a letter but get lost at all the back and forth. Any ideas that don’t involve me just sitting down and yelling would be helpful.
I’m done. I’m so done.