Solid Ground

I am home. Sweet, sweet home. I traveled 5,000 km today but a much longer emotional distance. I cried on the plane – a Nicholas Sparks movie may have been the trigger but I found tears and quietly sobbed for a bit. Cried again when I saw fiancé at baggage claim. It wasn’t enough crying or release but it was a start.

Then we went grocery shopping and did normal routine Sunday things and now he’s doing laundry and I made some dinner for us and all of a sudden it hit me. 

Exhaustion. I am exhausted. 

However I’ve also – thankfully – gained some clarity. Much in part to your helpful comments over the past few days. My instinct is to apologize for this trip being such a roller coaster… but I know that that is not something I need to apologize for.

I am grateful to those of you who validated my feelings, and to those of you who asked me some hard questions. All of you, really. I am going to rest now, but when I get time I want to consider the issue of transference (A being quite the Mom figure, me being so mad at my Mom, A doing something that bothered me and me absolutely losing it with A. Who am I really mad at? What is the actual reaction? What did I need from her differently in that situation?). I also want to consider why I have so much trouble sticking up for myself and my boundaries and what can be done about that. 

At least I don’t feel numb and dead inside anymore. At least there is this exhaustion and dread and grief and anger and helplessness. I am most scared when I feel nothing. So even though I am feeling absolutely awful right now – it’s not nothing. 

I figured out a note to give to A and wrote it down. Whoever suggested bullet points – that was most helpful. 

I am going to hand write it and give it to her tomorrow to start off session. 

A, 

I am frustrated because I can’t sort out my emotions. The idea that my emotions are real and I get to define – it’s laughable – and so hard to grasp right now. I want to apologize for my feelings. 

I know a valid part of me is frustrated and annoyed with you – not for the re-scheduling itself, as I trust(ed) that you wouldn’t do that unless it was an unavoidable situation, but how it was handled – and a discussion needs to happen there. But there is a much larger part of me upset about last week. It did not end well. And I fear that the one is impacting my reaction to the other. But I don’t know how much, or in what way. 

There is a lot to unpack… and I need you to lead this right now or I am afraid it isn’t going to go anywhere. I want to be silent and brood and keep it all in Fort Knox. And I need to talk at least some of this out today. But I don’t know where to start. And I won’t be able to start. 

Thank you all for being there throughout this trip. It means the world to me – even your more difficult suggestions. 

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8 thoughts on “Solid Ground

  1. You got through it. 🙂 I also have a problem setting boundaries, even with all the right intention and enthusiasm to do it, it all just comes crashing down. It’s something we need to learn and become comfortable in doing. I’m better at it now, in part because of the boundaries in therapy. We’ll get there. 🙂 Wishing you all the best in your next session. I hope it goes really well. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You made it!! What a week for you!!
    Your note looks perfect– it’s honest and open. I’m hoping your next session brings you some resolution and new insight. Now to start to detox from your 11 days in MO!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You handled things well. This was a difficult trip, and now you’re home, with your fiance. I’m glad you got some sort of release, though I understand it may not be a total release. I’m sure you are really exhausted, just take care of yourself for the next few days.

    Liked by 1 person

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