I am home. Sweet, sweet home. I traveled 5,000 km today but a much longer emotional distance. I cried on the plane – a Nicholas Sparks movie may have been the trigger but I found tears and quietly sobbed for a bit. Cried again when I saw fiancé at baggage claim. It wasn’t enough crying or release but it was a start.
Then we went grocery shopping and did normal routine Sunday things and now he’s doing laundry and I made some dinner for us and all of a sudden it hit me.
Exhaustion. I am exhausted.
However I’ve also – thankfully – gained some clarity. Much in part to your helpful comments over the past few days. My instinct is to apologize for this trip being such a roller coaster… but I know that that is not something I need to apologize for.
I am grateful to those of you who validated my feelings, and to those of you who asked me some hard questions. All of you, really. I am going to rest now, but when I get time I want to consider the issue of transference (A being quite the Mom figure, me being so mad at my Mom, A doing something that bothered me and me absolutely losing it with A. Who am I really mad at? What is the actual reaction? What did I need from her differently in that situation?). I also want to consider why I have so much trouble sticking up for myself and my boundaries and what can be done about that.
At least I don’t feel numb and dead inside anymore. At least there is this exhaustion and dread and grief and anger and helplessness. I am most scared when I feel nothing. So even though I am feeling absolutely awful right now – it’s not nothing.
I figured out a note to give to A and wrote it down. Whoever suggested bullet points – that was most helpful.
I am going to hand write it and give it to her tomorrow to start off session.
I am frustrated because I can’t sort out my emotions. The idea that my emotions are real and I get to define – it’s laughable – and so hard to grasp right now. I want to apologize for my feelings.
I know a valid part of me is frustrated and annoyed with you – not for the re-scheduling itself, as I trust(ed) that you wouldn’t do that unless it was an unavoidable situation, but how it was handled – and a discussion needs to happen there. But there is a much larger part of me upset about last week. It did not end well. And I fear that the one is impacting my reaction to the other. But I don’t know how much, or in what way.
There is a lot to unpack… and I need you to lead this right now or I am afraid it isn’t going to go anywhere. I want to be silent and brood and keep it all in Fort Knox. And I need to talk at least some of this out today. But I don’t know where to start. And I won’t be able to start.
Thank you all for being there throughout this trip. It means the world to me – even your more difficult suggestions.