Would it have ended differently?

I am feeling empty today. 

I am trying to be productive at work but my emotions are getting in the way. I think I’m doing an ok job though.

Owner1 and I are going to grab a drink after work. I’m tired and have a lot to do and it feels like I have no time to do it. He is frustrated with A because she can’t commit to a regular schedule with me… I don’t seem to care enough right now, but he is of the opinion I should be able to keep a regular, consistent, weekly appointment. I think he is tired of trying to navigate my schedule. I worry he is running out of patience.

A broke her infamous 2x a week max policy for me this week. I see her tomorrow morning, and Thursday evening, which is good. It made me feel cared for, to have her know I am struggling and be receptive. I emailed her asking about Wednesday AND Thursday and she told me I could have both. I’m having a hard time today processing (or not processing?) everything. 

I start with everything is my fault and I am the worst but it wasn’t even that bad and I’m overreacting and making a mountain out of a molehill and it doesn’t matter – and I’m fine – and these are narratives that are dismissive and patterns from my childhood. I recognize that they are my effort to assert control over everything. 

And then I go to okay, but how do I really feel. I can come up with the word weird. And violated. And short-tempered. 

I keep asking myself why I didn’t do anything. Why I didn’t yell out or scream or try to get attention. My parents were upstairs and they may not have been stellar parents within our family dynamic but when someone hurts one of us from the outside, watch out – my Dad would have thrown him out of the house and defended me in a heartbeat. Without hesitation. 

I think I was protecting him. And protecting them. And protecting the family. I was thinking about protecting everyone but me. 

It’s so telling. It’s so so telling. And I wonder had I grown up with secure attachment and knowing boundaries and understanding how to defend and voice my needs… would it have ended differently?

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11 thoughts on “Would it have ended differently?

  1. I hear you, and I get where you’re coming from. With regards to my own experience/s, I didn’t tell anyone for years. A part of me was trying to protect everyone else. You did the best you could at the time. Don’t be too hard on yourself, although I know I’m not one to talk. Thinking of you. ❤

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  2. Yes, if you had different parenting it would have gone much differently. And that is a huge source of grief to contend with. It is so painful to start to see what you didn’t get, and all of the struggles and pain because of that. It hurts so much. And I think eventually, the grieving process can become a source of strength (at least this is what I am sort of finding). But that happens over time, and certainly not where you’re at. It is hard to stay with the grief, and I see you doing that which shows how strong you are.

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    • Thank you for this Rachel. I definitely feel the grief, right now, and it’s a huge difference from feeling nothing or not recognizing it.

      I think you’re right, that it can eventually become something to draw from. Right now it just sucks – it’s permeating all parts of my day and being… but I think I am going to have to be friends with it.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Is the 3x a week just a thing for this week? Just curious. Prior to your trip to MO, was your session schedule more regular? If so, I assume it’ll return to a more regular schedule soon so Owner1 should be okay, I hope.
    You’re allowed to feel however you feel, even if that’s empty, or okay, or violated, or short-tempered. It’s your experience.
    I know it’s hard, but try not to think about if things were different, would it have ended differently. It’s going to lead to hurt. We unfortunately can’t go back and fix things and form secure attachments and redo everything. And we will never know how things would’ve went if things were different. You’ll just ruminate on the “Would’ve’s”.
    Keep doing the best you can. You’re doing great.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is just for this week. At the beginning when we talked about boundaries she mentioned she limits sessions to twice a week except in exceptional circumstances. I think it’s for her mainly, to prevent burnout.

      Prior to my trip it was pretty consistent – and I’m hoping I can make it work even if it means me working 7:30-4:30 everyday so he doesn’t know which days I go to see her.

      I don’t really know how I feel. It’s harder than I thought it would be.

      And you’re right – thinking about if things were different is only going to be harmful in the end… But it’s so hard. Because things were messy already for me and now they’re even more of a mess.

      I’m trying to hang on.

      Liked by 1 person

      • That makes sense. So when it returns to a normal schedule, it’ll be more consistent again. Working those hours could help too.
        Emotions are difficult, and that trip produced a lot of them. You’ll get them. Be gentle with yourself, and be gentle with the fact that it’s hard. If you get angry at yourself for it being hard, it’ll make the entire process even harder. The only way to work through our emotions is to do it from a kind, compassionate angle. At least, that’s what I’ve learned.

        Liked by 1 person

      • You’re right, and that’s true. I just don’t really feel like doing the work right now. I feel like crawling into bed and just sleeping for a long while. I don’t even feel like my body belongs to me right now.

        You’re right, though. I’m sure it will be okay.

        Like

    • That’s where I am right now. I’m just so upset with them — and I know I can’t change it and they had their reasons but fuck. They were right upstairs, you know, and I didn’t feel like I could call for them. It feels messy and awful, right now.

      Like

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