I am feeling empty today.
I am trying to be productive at work but my emotions are getting in the way. I think I’m doing an ok job though.
Owner1 and I are going to grab a drink after work. I’m tired and have a lot to do and it feels like I have no time to do it. He is frustrated with A because she can’t commit to a regular schedule with me… I don’t seem to care enough right now, but he is of the opinion I should be able to keep a regular, consistent, weekly appointment. I think he is tired of trying to navigate my schedule. I worry he is running out of patience.
A broke her infamous 2x a week max policy for me this week. I see her tomorrow morning, and Thursday evening, which is good. It made me feel cared for, to have her know I am struggling and be receptive. I emailed her asking about Wednesday AND Thursday and she told me I could have both. I’m having a hard time today processing (or not processing?) everything.
I start with everything is my fault and I am the worst but it wasn’t even that bad and I’m overreacting and making a mountain out of a molehill and it doesn’t matter – and I’m fine – and these are narratives that are dismissive and patterns from my childhood. I recognize that they are my effort to assert control over everything.
And then I go to okay, but how do I really feel. I can come up with the word weird. And violated. And short-tempered.
I keep asking myself why I didn’t do anything. Why I didn’t yell out or scream or try to get attention. My parents were upstairs and they may not have been stellar parents within our family dynamic but when someone hurts one of us from the outside, watch out – my Dad would have thrown him out of the house and defended me in a heartbeat. Without hesitation.
I think I was protecting him. And protecting them. And protecting the family. I was thinking about protecting everyone but me.
It’s so telling. It’s so so telling. And I wonder had I grown up with secure attachment and knowing boundaries and understanding how to defend and voice my needs… would it have ended differently?