I want somebody to tell me how to feel.
I want somebody to lay out the steps and the process and the checklist of what I am supposed to be doing and how I am supposed to move through this.
I want someone to say – all you have to do is make it through the next 5, 10, 60, 464 days… I don’t care how many just tell me when feeling like this ends. Or even if it doesn’t – just lay it out for me. Lay out the steps. Give me something to follow.
It sucks that I was already bad at connecting to my emotions and myself – but it has just gotten worse.
I want to hermit. I want to crawl into my safe bed and not come out for a while. I want to avoid people and work and places and things and just crawl out of my body for a bit and find some peace.
I don’t trust anything. I locked the doors three times tonight, and fiancé was home. That’s an OCD habit I have when I feel like I can’t protect myself or I am not protected — and it’s exclusively done when nobody is in the house with me. Until today. I feel like everything is upside down.
I am devastatedly broken, torn into shreds internally, and it’s like I am looking at pieces of myself floating just out of reach and I am unable to put them back together. It’s this dull and constant ache that sits in my chest and refuses to let up. It’s this grief, over both what happened and the fact that I didn’t learn how to stand up for myself fast enough, and that when it came down to it I failed myself in a massive way. It’s this despair, and loneliness and general disappointment. It’s the fear, and beneath that the anger, and buried so far out of reach, the shame.
It’s these real feelings I’m denying myself in the daylight but that come to play as soon as it’s dark.
I didn’t realize how much nighttime could suck.
I have needs right now that nobody is going to meet for me – that I have to meet. I am sitting in an empty bathtub trying to figure out what those needs are. Comfort, reassurance, safety. I want to self harm – I do, so badly. At least then the awful feelings I have would have a visible cause. But I can still see the scar from a month ago and I know, I know that although that feels like the right choice that it is not. So comfort, reassurance, and safety – they have to become my priority. Everything else can wait right now.
I’ll start there. I’ll shower so I look like a decent human tomorrow when I meet with A. I will wrap myself in fuzzy blankets and go to sleep. And I will be safe, cause fiancé would never hurt me or allow anybody else to. I will allow myself celebration of these little things.
It’s all I have to offer myself right now. I feel like I am at a crossroad and that each choice I make – something as small as showering or what time I go to bed – the results are going to be magnified.
I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know what to do with this grief. I need someone to tell me how to feel.