Does She Even Believe Me?

You all have a little more context and insight now, into everything. Into the added layer to how I experienced last Friday. There is a part of me (that is distinctly emotional, as intellectually I am aware there isn’t a connection) that believes what happened, the sexual assault I experienced, was caused by my lies. That I had been waiting years for fate to execute its revenge and it finally happened.

So A is left with someone right now who has attachment issues, who believes this assault was deserved for more reasons than one, and someone who was assaulted. Add to that the fact that my go-to in any situation is to stuff my feelings into Fort Knox and leave them there. To vocalize that I am fine. To ignore the feelings only to experience them later. It’s no wonder she would have preferred to see me three times this week.

When I told her about everything on Monday – I meant it when I said if I hadn’t told her then, I would never have told her. It was terrifying for me to do something different – and as much as I don’t want to say this is an opportunity, maybe the silver lining here is that it is, in fact, a chance to change the narrative. Something bad happened and how I would normally deal with it isn’t how I want to deal with it this time. This is a real time chance to practice with my emotions.

But I ended up going to yesterday’s session exceptionally angry. How did we get there? It’s a good question.

Things had been okay. Monday A (apparently – not that I noticed) defined the experience for me and she apologized for that Wednesday. I remember thinking I didn’t even notice she had done that, but that was likely because my internal definition was the same so I didn’t notice any tension or discomfort.

On Wednesday, though, I think she unintentionally over corrected and almost ended up pushing me to define the experience. To make sure I wasn’t influenced by her. I didn’t realize it until Wednesday night but it kind of felt like she was telling me the definition I had wasn’t good enough.

She also decided to check in on whether or not I had been lying with her lately. This is something she does like clockwork, every five or so sessions. It’s not accusatory or malicious in any way and is in fact the exact thing I asked her to do when we started working together. I told her about my history and about how it is exceptionally helpful for me to have those check ins. And I did catch myself lying to her once early on (didn’t think my pain was bad enough and told her something that wasn’t true but caught it in the moment when she asked that day for a scheduled check-in) and we talked it through and she was brilliant at it. Compassionate and kind.

But on Wednesday that question – her normal check in – it felt like a slap in the face. Not fifteen minutes earlier I had told her my greatest fear in talking about Friday was not being believed by her. That because of my history and the fact she knew I was afraid she would dismiss anything I was saying. And then she asked “let’s briefly check in before you go – is there anything you can think of that you may have misrepresented in the last few sessions? Anything you want to talk about?”

I want to reiterate that this is a normal thing for us and is never normally a cause for distress. It’s a ritual we have in place as a check for something that is a huge part of my development and it also serves to counter the shame, because I never normally feel judged by her.

But this time was different because of the heightened awareness I had around everything. We had spent all session Wednesday talking about my experience and how I wanted to define it, and then she asked if I had misrepresented anything. It was very unfortunate timing and I left thinking – Does she even believe me?

We were primed for a multi week rupture – but it didn’t happen. And in part two, I will tell you all about session yesterday, and how much I still appreciate and genuinely love A.

Ps – I wanted to say thank you for your kind comments from yesterday’s post. I haven’t gathered myself enough to respond articulately, I just keep crying as I read them. But I have read them and I so appreciate them. 

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11 thoughts on “Does She Even Believe Me?

  1. I read this before you had posted Part II, and my thoughts at the time were that this must have been such a hurtful question for you, and also that there’s a kind of beauty in the fact that she would have been okay with it if you WERE misrepresenting the situation (to be clear, I absolutely know you’re not) – but to have someone who can ask you that and isn’t afraid of the answer, who can see the pain and know it’s real regardless of whether the cause was accurately represented or not…I think that’s great.

    But again, at the same time, ouch. I’m so glad she was able to reassure you that she does believe you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I am glad that I brought it up. I called it in the moment but we just missed each other — And that made it more painful cause session was also ending.

      There is a kind of beauty in it, isn’t there. 🙂

      Like

  2. Part of me believes this is an area of importance to her personally, and as she didn’t expect the disclosure we have been moving through it in a more rocky way. But I appreciate her willingness to work through it with me.

    And I agree, call a spade a spade – but I think the issue she had is she called it that first – what if I had wanted to call it something else? And then she over corrected. It was an interesting (but great for us in the end) week

    Liked by 1 person

    • All’s well that ends well:)

      A therapist that is so sensitive to your experience is worth her weight in gold. It means she desires to really hear you and enter into your reality. To be able and willing to do so is out of reach for many. Lucky you!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. There is such a thing as an objective view of the situation. While survivors are entitled to defining it in ways that empower them, I think it’s unreasonable for A to refuse to look at facts and what they add up to here.

    But, that’s just me… I believe an objective reality exists outside of us all. And truth resides there, unchanged by how we feel or think about things.

    Liked by 1 person

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