You all have a little more context and insight now, into everything. Into the added layer to how I experienced last Friday. There is a part of me (that is distinctly emotional, as intellectually I am aware there isn’t a connection) that believes what happened, the sexual assault I experienced, was caused by my lies. That I had been waiting years for fate to execute its revenge and it finally happened.
So A is left with someone right now who has attachment issues, who believes this assault was deserved for more reasons than one, and someone who was assaulted. Add to that the fact that my go-to in any situation is to stuff my feelings into Fort Knox and leave them there. To vocalize that I am fine. To ignore the feelings only to experience them later. It’s no wonder she would have preferred to see me three times this week.
When I told her about everything on Monday – I meant it when I said if I hadn’t told her then, I would never have told her. It was terrifying for me to do something different – and as much as I don’t want to say this is an opportunity, maybe the silver lining here is that it is, in fact, a chance to change the narrative. Something bad happened and how I would normally deal with it isn’t how I want to deal with it this time. This is a real time chance to practice with my emotions.
But I ended up going to yesterday’s session exceptionally angry. How did we get there? It’s a good question.
Things had been okay. Monday A (apparently – not that I noticed) defined the experience for me and she apologized for that Wednesday. I remember thinking I didn’t even notice she had done that, but that was likely because my internal definition was the same so I didn’t notice any tension or discomfort.
On Wednesday, though, I think she unintentionally over corrected and almost ended up pushing me to define the experience. To make sure I wasn’t influenced by her. I didn’t realize it until Wednesday night but it kind of felt like she was telling me the definition I had wasn’t good enough.
She also decided to check in on whether or not I had been lying with her lately. This is something she does like clockwork, every five or so sessions. It’s not accusatory or malicious in any way and is in fact the exact thing I asked her to do when we started working together. I told her about my history and about how it is exceptionally helpful for me to have those check ins. And I did catch myself lying to her once early on (didn’t think my pain was bad enough and told her something that wasn’t true but caught it in the moment when she asked that day for a scheduled check-in) and we talked it through and she was brilliant at it. Compassionate and kind.
But on Wednesday that question – her normal check in – it felt like a slap in the face. Not fifteen minutes earlier I had told her my greatest fear in talking about Friday was not being believed by her. That because of my history and the fact she knew I was afraid she would dismiss anything I was saying. And then she asked “let’s briefly check in before you go – is there anything you can think of that you may have misrepresented in the last few sessions? Anything you want to talk about?”
I want to reiterate that this is a normal thing for us and is never normally a cause for distress. It’s a ritual we have in place as a check for something that is a huge part of my development and it also serves to counter the shame, because I never normally feel judged by her.
But this time was different because of the heightened awareness I had around everything. We had spent all session Wednesday talking about my experience and how I wanted to define it, and then she asked if I had misrepresented anything. It was very unfortunate timing and I left thinking – Does she even believe me?
We were primed for a multi week rupture – but it didn’t happen. And in part two, I will tell you all about session yesterday, and how much I still appreciate and genuinely love A.
Ps – I wanted to say thank you for your kind comments from yesterday’s post. I haven’t gathered myself enough to respond articulately, I just keep crying as I read them. But I have read them and I so appreciate them.