Must Do All The Things (and SQUEE!)

It was a long week. The goal was to take yesterday to calm down but that didn’t happen. 

 I had my dress fittings (excuse me while I squee like a small child – SQUEEEEEEEE!) and two friends came and we laughed a lot – and I had a lot to do but after a miserable week it was so nice to drive around town in my friends van and sing Hamilton at the top of our lungs that we decided to get sushi. These are two girls who know all of me and it took me so long to get to this point – where I have people I can sit in a van with and tell about so much of me – I just didn’t want to go home.

Sidebar: squee with me at this freakin’ dress should you desire. I have never felt happier than I do thinking about who I get to marry in this thing. 


Then fiancé and I got a good deal on tickets to a local sports game (free!) and went to that and then he treated me to dinner on an impromptu date night. Which was so lovely. 

However, the side effect of this is now I have so much to do. Like an unbelievable amount. There is no way I will be able to fit it into today.. But I will try. And in trying I will forget to take care of myself and will get stuck pretending I don’t have emotions.

I had to go to the clinic and get a refill of my celexa and then fill it (speaking of which I should take it now too). I did the dishes and now am on the way to a massage (amazing, I’m so excited). Then I have to clean, do wedding details, confirm things, and do all the freelance things because this upcoming week is insane. I also have to do some finances which is never ever fun. 

Monday I have work and my first yoga therapy session, which actually is bringing me a lot of anxiety (as anything new with any new practitioner ever does). 

Tuesday is a day long conference for work that we are putting on that quite honestly is shit haha – I’m not responsible for it but I know that there is no way that it is being planned properly and I offered my help a month ago and nobody took it and last Thursday they were like save us and of course I can’t say no. 

Wednesday I see A and then go to a hockey game at night (again for free – a prize I got for volunteering last year). 

Thursday I get my hair cut and have a meeting with a friend.

Friday I have counselling again and then a group of people and fiancé and I are going out and I am exhausted just thinking about the social exhaustion coming from it.

It’s also the last week I see A twice for a while, her office is under renovation and I’m extremely busy up until and including the wedding… and that’s scary because I need her to remind me to stay with my emotions and not do what I am doing – being so busy and productive that I pretend I don’t have feelings.

So today I must do all the things, or I am setting myself up for extra stress in an already stressful week. But by doing all the things I let the super productive part of me front and it chokes away the emotions into Fort Knox. 

Hmm. Dilemma. 

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13 thoughts on “Must Do All The Things (and SQUEE!)

  1. PD,
    First things first – your dress is GORGEOUS!!!! ❤
    I've caught up on your posts (since the last time I commented) and while I gave up on the idea I had to comment on as many as I could (I wish I could, but I honestly don't have time) I have read them all, and I wanted to say a few things.
    First of all, I'm sorry I haven't been around. I'm sorry I wasn't there for most of the MO trip and I'm sorry I wasn't there for the sexual assault (because, as someone who has been assaulted, that is what it is) and for the resulting confusion and tough feelings. I'm sorry.
    Second of all, I want to say that I can relate to so much of what you write – it's uncanny. The family dynamics, especially with your mom, the codependency- and yet still loving them – and being so angry at the same time – it all feels so familiar to me. I've also been catching up on Journey to Strength's blog, and been thinking a lot more about family dynamics, and… it's hard. It's so hard. Reading your experiences has given me more insight into my own. And you think you failed, but I think you did amazingly. Seriously. You're working so hard, and it shows.
    Third, I want to say that I can relate to the frustration with the scheduling difficulties – I never realized that I had a part in them (mainly with J) by accommodating her wild schedule changes, but I did. I let myself be walked all over, because I was afraid she would leave if I didn't (and she ended up leaving anyway). This is great insight. I am glad that things seem to be working well with A and that you are having moments of true connection with her, and that when you don't feel super connected, you are able to voice that. That is huge.
    And the lying… honestly, in my heart (as someone who has experienced sexual assault), there is only compassion. You needed things, so bad, that you didn't get. I was sexually assaulted, and it profoundly impacted me, but I will admit that I often exaggerated what happened in order to feel like my experience was "valid" and to know that people would care. It's sad that I felt like I had to do that, and sad that you had to, too – not in a demeaning way, but in a truly grieving way. You were trying to get them in the only way you knew how… the only way that proved effective at the time. Long-term, it proved not to be effective, and it's okay to recognize that, but I don't fault your high school self, at all.
    PD, I think you are a beautiful person. I relate to so much of what you write. I hope you enjoy the fun activities you have planned this week – you deserve some time to have fun / decompress. Lots and lots of love to you my friend! (and pardon the gigantic comment!)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Do not ever feel bad for a gigantic comment! I loved it, and thank you regarding the dress 🙂

      It’s okay that you weren’t there as I knew you would have been if you could. You were off taking care of yourself which is SO important. And I’m so glad you did that because it means you can be here now.

      And thank you for your comments about my family. My sessions since have focused on the assault but hopefully we will get back to the family and I will be able to see it as a success too. I can acknowledge that I am working hard. That much is definitely true.

      Ohhhh scheduling. I am glad we worked it out. That was the first time in almost 6 months A has had to reschedule and I think we worked it out. They are working well – the moments of connection are definitely there and she does well to acknowledge and hold my anger.

      Lily, with the lying, what you said, thank you. It means so much to me when someone who has experienced sexual assault forgives me, in a sense. It eases my pain and allows me to get closer to the possibility of forgiving myself – so you can’t imagine what a gift your words are to me.

      I think you are also a beautiful person, and I am so grateful for your friendship and love.

      Like

  2. Catching up on all the latest posts, and wanted to say a) well done on working out the rupture with A, I know it wasn’t easy to go in there and tell her your feelings and be cross and allow yourself to be so vulnerable b) beautiful dress!! I am certain he is equally as happy/grateful to be marrying you c) glad you had such a fun time with your friends. That is much needed in such a busy time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am glad you caught up, have missed you 🙂

      a) thank you. Was definitely not easy.
      b) thank youuuu!! I’m so excited
      c) I am also glad, it was lovely.

      I am getting stressed though with the wedding coming up – so much to do and then you add freelancing and work and I’m just overwhelmed… rest will be key this week.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow! That is like the ultimate fairytale princess dress. You are going to look so beautiful.

    Can you set an alarm for 10 minutes every day to stop and acknowledge your feelings? Even by something as simple as texting one of those two good friends about however you feel?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Beautiful dress 🙂 You deserve that happiness, and I’m happy for you as well 🙂
    Sounds like a very stressful week. Take care of yourself, don’t forget that, because otherwise the stress will get even bigger. It seems that you have a lot in your schedule that is self-care, though (massage, hockey game). I hope that yoga therapy goes well (it sounds cool). And I always smile at your “Fort Knox” metaphor, because it’s absolutely accurate for me as well. Take deep breaths, you’ll get through this busy week.

    Liked by 1 person

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