I’m leaving feeling centred, and uniquely aware of my body. At one point I was looking at my toes, and I remember thinking “Hey, I have toes. Those toes are mine. They belong to me.”
Her studio is an apartment that has these amazing hardwood floors and these twinkle lights. We don’t use music, because it takes away from the experience of connecting with your internal self.
There were multiple points at which I may have cried had I known her better. It didn’t feel safe yet, but she talked about holding space and being curious and exploring and all those things I believe are absolutely necessary for healing and growth.
She is kind, and gentle, and hands off, and continually emphasizes choice. She practices with you, because to just watch may cause this emphasis on the external when what we were trying to do is connect to the internal. Every position was optional, rest or stopping was always an option, and I could share or not share.
At the end she asked if I had anything to share or if I wanted to save it and I mentioned a few small things. I loved her demeanour and that she expected absolutely nothing from me which allowed me to participate my way.
I feel safer and more trusting of myself right now. One key takeaway was that she invited me at times to look at my centre, wherever that may be – and for me it’s my sternum, where the emotions live that A and I look at. She said that I could put my hands there or not, and as I breathed and observed them I noticed part of them really wanted to be touched. And another part of them, a loud and terrified part, was screaming out against it. So I left it. But I noticed it.
My favourite words of hers were “choice” and “curious” and “invite”. She was constantly reminding me that I had a choice of doing what was right for me and my body and that was really quite empowering. She was inviting me into positions or flows or staying static and allowing my choice to be mine with no judgment.
I find inversions and openings particularly painful – the vulnerability – and that is where I would notice the most sensation through my centre. Any folds or positions where I was mainly holding myself felt really comfortable and my centre part calmed down. She skillfully led me between the two, and we didn’t spend too much time in either spot. It was stress and then relax, repetitive. Stressing that centre and holding it close and noticing it, and then relaxing and feeling safe again. I imagine had I not followed her (I did the whole time), she would have checked in or adjusted.
And as I write about that centre part it is activated again – almost like it prefers to go unnoticed.
But my favourite word was the word “curious” – she kept inviting me to be curious about any sensations, to just observe them. She kept saying that maybe there was nothing, and that’s okay. That whatever I was feeling was okay and that I didn’t have to change it or do anything about it but just notice it.
And maybe that’s the key. I spend a lot of time fighting it, or not feeling at all. And maybe I need to just notice it.
I am very tired, so when I get home I will have some food, a hot shower, and crawl into bed early… but I think yoga therapy will stick. I think this is really going to be a great complementary practice to trying to explore those emotions.
I’m happy right now. Isn’t that something.
It was nice to spend an hour free from judging myself, or guilt, and embrace my own experience. It gave me hope.
Hope that if I can slowly, and surely, and while supported in the studio, observe and be curious with my feelings more and more, that one day I can do that always, for myself. And the thought brings tears to my eyes. Guys, there is hope.