Not a great day

I don’t really know what is going on with me right now. 

I’m exceptionally tired, stressed from the wedding, and I can’t access that part of me I found in yoga on Monday and that’s so frustrating. Because as much as it was painful I’ve never been able to witness that part of myself – like I did earlier this week.

It has become clear to me that I don’t trust myself. The fortress/baby seal imagery was the first time that part of me revealed itself in any way other than just a block of emotion… Now I think I understand it better. 

That part of me is wounded and has bottled up all the emotion from the past 28 years and it is terrified and doesn’t feel safe. From the outside it looks like a massive guarded fortress where nothing gets out and emotions are stuck there. 

From the inside though, it’s a suffering baby animal that wants to be held and comforted and take care of but is too afraid.

I’ve never been that close to my emotions before and I don’t know what to do with myself.

Today, I’m just sad. I’m just melancholic. I don’t want to be at work and I don’t want anything to do with anybody. 

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10 thoughts on “Not a great day

  1. It’s okay. Take a breath. It’s hard to trust ourselves. I feel that way too. It’s almost like we’ve ‘betrayed’ ourselves and our experiences by bottling everything up all these years. So we can’t trust ourselves… Yet. We will get there. Maybe that part of you will make more appearances as we go. You can’t rush it or pressure it though because then it won’t happen. It’s okay that you can’t access it right now, because you will reach it again.
    Even beyond that though, I’m sure wedding planning is stressful, especially the closer you get to it.

    Liked by 1 person

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