I want to withdraw into myself.
Or, I think I want to.
Drunk me, who is usually pretty good indication of how sober me is feeling, emailed A at 2:33am. Thankfully, it was coherent. It was also an email asking for connection.
If I have learned nothing else, it’s that drunk me is pretty damn honest with herself. A responded offering phone sessions in one of three hours on Tuesday. And I have three options for it, really.
First, I take a time. 8a, 9a or 1p. None ideal. I could be at work for 9:30a with the 8am time. Or I could stay home and take a mental health day and do 9a. Or I could try to find a private space (but in the office?) and do 1pm and not miss the day. None of these are ideal. All of them involve talking to my boss. Problem is though I am actually feeling sick and could actually use a day, but then Monday makes the most sense and why am I thinking so hard about this.
My critical voice hates this idea, although not as viscerally as it hates the idea of being in her office, face to face. A commenter suggested over the phone may be easier right now because A seems to be such a triggering figure for me after our intense session, and I think she’s right. In fact I don’t think I will make it into her office Thursday if we don’t phone chat first.
I wish I knew what to do with myself. There is a lot of shame. It’s lonely, too.
I don’t know how to navigate this.
I’ll take the 8am time with A, but then I will have to navigate talking with her while my fiancé is home in the morning… but it seems the most reasonable. Hopefully I have myself more figured out by then.
I wonder how I will tell her that something about the fact that I trust her has now triggered me, triggered that critical voice. Triggered this shame spiral which honestly simply makes me sad. The fact that I can’t seem to celebrate my breakthrough this week or feel close to A makes me never want to share again. I don’t want to lose our closeness. I don’t want to be doing this dance of coming closer together only to have me push her away and yet, I can’t seem to stop it.
I will email her back now against everything I’m hearing in my head. Because I am sorry, shame, and I am sorry, critical voice. I know. I know that this is painful and new and you’re angry and hating on me and you know what? Fine. Throw it at me.
But we are still talking to A. And eventually you’ll get there and learn that this is a good thing. This is finally a good thing.
Now I’m changing my mind again.
Dear self – pull it together, come up with one opinion, and we will stick to it. Okay? I don’t have the energy to fight with you anymore.