Back and Forth

I want to withdraw into myself.

Or, I think I want to. 

Drunk me, who is usually pretty good indication of how sober me is feeling, emailed A at 2:33am. Thankfully, it was coherent. It was also an email asking for connection.

If I have learned nothing else, it’s that drunk me is pretty damn honest with herself. A responded offering phone sessions in one of three hours on Tuesday. And I have three options for it, really.

First, I take a time. 8a, 9a or 1p. None ideal. I could be at work for 9:30a with the 8am time. Or I could stay home and take a mental health day and do 9a. Or I could try to find a private space (but in the office?) and do 1pm and not miss the day. None of these are ideal. All of them involve talking to my boss. Problem is though I am actually feeling sick and could actually use a day, but then Monday makes the most sense and why am I thinking so hard about this. 

My critical voice hates this idea, although not as viscerally as it hates the idea of being in her office, face to face. A commenter suggested over the phone may be easier right now because A seems to be such a triggering figure for me after our intense session, and I think she’s right. In fact I don’t think I will make it into her office Thursday if we don’t phone chat first. 

I wish I knew what to do with myself. There is a lot of shame. It’s lonely, too. 

I don’t know how to navigate this. 

I’ll take the 8am time with A, but then I will have to navigate talking with her while my fiancé is home in the morning…  but it seems the most reasonable. Hopefully I have myself more figured out by then.

I wonder how I will tell her that something about the fact that I trust her has now triggered me, triggered that critical voice. Triggered this shame spiral which honestly simply makes me sad. The fact that I can’t seem to celebrate my breakthrough this week or feel close to A makes me never want to share again. I don’t want to lose our closeness. I don’t want to be doing this dance of coming closer together only to have me push her away and yet, I can’t seem to stop it.

I will email her back now against everything I’m hearing in my head. Because I am sorry, shame, and I am sorry, critical voice. I know. I know that this is painful and new and you’re angry and hating on me and you know what? Fine. Throw it at me.

But we are still talking to A. And eventually you’ll get there and learn that this is a good thing. This is finally a good thing. 


Now I’m changing my mind again.

Dear self – pull it together, come up with one opinion, and we will stick to it. Okay? I don’t have the energy to fight with you anymore. 


15 thoughts on “Back and Forth

  1. I keep thinking about how, if a person breaks a bone and it isn’t casted by a professional, it heals but it heals misshapen, and in order to fully heal, the doctors have to rebreak it so it can heal right. I feel like that’s what’s happening for us and it sucks. The loneliness, the shame, I’m there with you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • This makes so much sense to me.

      There is so much pain and anger and fear and general loneliness. I mean, I’m basically clinging to the WP community right now because you guys *get it*

      The core of me, the strong part, the one that got us back to therapy, that left Em, that deals with boundary pain, that fronts when I really need to show up for myself – I need her right now. But she’s barely hanging on.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the Twilight series, but one of the movies, I think it was Eclipse, Jacob breaks every bone, and it heals wrong and they have to rebreak everything and the pain he looks like he’s in, is how it feels to me.
        Same here. I like don’t know what to do anymore and I feel so shitty and the only thing I have right now that helps is WP.
        And I know that too. Things are so hard right now for both of us. I’m here for you.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I love that you did though. It makes so much sense and makes it easier to explain.

        My fiancés playing video games and I told him I was sad and he asked why and I can’t explain it.. so I’ve just been lying with him while he plays, curled under his arm.

        It has helped but just exacerbated this ache that’s inside – I don’t think it’s something that can be filled

        Liked by 1 person

      • Lol ok because I definitely wondered if you’d be all “i can’t believe she referenced Twilight to explain pain…”
        It’s hard to explain the sadness. Sometimes for me it feels really young and there just aren’t words.
        I know that ache. I think it can be filled. It might have to be us who fills it. I’m not sure but I know the feeling.

        Liked by 1 person

      • When I got my wisdom teeth out I managed to get an infection in the socket after it had healed and I was like huh? how?

        The dentist told me that the socket heals on top first but the actual wound underneath stays for months as it slowly heals.

        That’s what I think this is – the love of fiancé and A has healed over but I have an infection anyways – and it’s just living in there.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Rather than focusing on what you can and can’t do I want you to be able to focus on the fact that you are doing so many things well right now – thinking about your feelings, feeling them, holding them, reaching out to A for help. For it being “all you can do,” you’re doing pretty damn well, PD. Don’t lose sight of that. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Also, wanted to add that while I know I can talk about growth, it doesn’t feel to you like growth Is happening. The pain is really real and valid, and it’s painful, and it’s okay to feel that way, to feel stuck, because the intensity of what you’re dealing with? In your own words: holy shit! Lots of love, we are here for you. 😘

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you for reminding me I am doing well. I don’t feel like I am because it honestly is so incredibly painful… but if I can manage to step outside for even a moment I can see it… if I look at this and pretend it’s not me.

        That inner critic wants to minimize all the work I’ve done, it’s angry and destructive but I’ve managed to fight back a bit. I am exhausted though. I’m so tired.

        Lily your comments have been so helpful. Please keep leaving them xx

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel this, PD. I hear you. It hurts, a lot, but you are making so much progress and going through so much growth right now. Growing hurts!!! I think the phone conversation with A is a good idea. Maybe it’s a sort of compromise between the parts that do and don’t want to see her?

    Liked by 1 person

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