All The Possible Ways

I’ve been running through all the ways my phone session with A could go at 8am.

The Ideal

A: Hello PD!
PD: Hi
A: What do you want to talk about today? How are you?
PD: Last session was very hard for me. About half way through, my critical voice came through in an intense and angry way as soon as you mentioned caring for me. This part of me is terrified and angry that we trusted you the way we did. I wanted to talk to you Friday but the critical voice internal dialogue was drowning you out and eventually took over. I couldn’t hear what you were saying and I couldn’t vocalize what I wanted to say. I couldn’t ask for your help. The attitude and resistance was coming from that part of me, and I couldn’t share or talk or listen or anything. All it wants is to push you away. And I am afraid it has started again and it is going to stand between us because it doesn’t know how to trust you, and I’ve lost control of that critical voice.

The Middle Ground

A: Hello PD!
PD: Hi 

A: What do you want to talk about today? How are you? 
PD: I have things to tell you but don’t know where to start or if it is even possible. It isn’t easy and I am going to need your help. I am finding talking to you really difficult right now.

The Fake PD

A: Hello PD!
PD: Hi 
A: What do you want to talk about today? How are you? 
PD: I’m great! How are you? 
A: I’m good, thank you for asking. How are you really? 
PD: I’m good. Everything is good. 

*lather, rinse, repeat, waste time*

A  Possibility

A: Hello PD!
PD: Hi 
A: What do you want to talk about today? How are you? 
PD: ….. 
A: PD? Are you there? 
PD: Yes. I don’t want to talk. 
A: I think you do or you wouldn’t be here. 
PD: I’m here because I owe you $150 if I’m not so I might as well sit here

The Worst

A: Hello PD! 
PD: Hi
A: What do you want to talk about today? How are you?
PD: *hangs up* 

I honestly don’t know what is going to happen. I know I can’t imagine being really angry with her or throwing a temper tantrum, I’m much more likely to turn my criticism inward. I don’t know how to be open with her right now and that is a scary prospect for me. But that is also me – the critical voice throws up walls when we are actually confronted with her it seems, not when we are thinking about it.

I also don’t think I will hang up. I didn’t think that I would end up not able to say anything to her last session either.

I know what happens is ultimately and logically within my control. I know that now, three ciders deep at 11pm at night with no A in sight. But when we are on the phone together, and I hear her voice, who knows what I’m going to be thinking or feeling. That critical voice is quieter right now but its still planning subtle attempts to not set the alarm or to “miss her call” or to not show up. Or to show up fake.

I would love the first one, where I read from the ideal and let whatever happens happen. Pull up this post and read it word for word. I think the likelihood is we will get the second option, the middle ground.

I wish there wasn’t this chasm between us of my own creation but that I feel like I can’t control.

 

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11 thoughts on “All The Possible Ways

  1. As I read the first situation, I was thinking, “You could read from this”, but you mentioned doing that at the end of the post. I’m wondering if, when the critical voice takes over, if it would be possible to say something short like “The CV is back” and she would know how to help you out of it? I’m not sure, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about for when my walls come up in session.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I honestly don’t know what is going to come out. I do know she hasn’t been this ‘scary’ to me since almost the beginning of our relationship.

      I am hoping I can choke out something coherent to let her know what is up so she can do the work in getting me to connect. The CV is already going “this is dumb, you’re sacrificing sleep for A? What a joke – you’re such a joke”

      Maybe if I can get out the second one we will be okay.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Your lament over the chasm between you and A… wow. I don’t think I’ve looked at human relationships this way, but, maybe I need to. Maybe, we all are just apprentice bridge makers, trying our damnedest to build something that can connect us with someone on the other side of the abyss that surrounds us. Poignant.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s a great idea. I thought about emailing her, but we have a no text no email no outside contact unless it’s an official phone session boundary – which I actually need and like having most of the time.

      I will write things out and deliver them in person to her so I might have to take that route if showing up is all I can muster Thursday.

      Like

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