The critical voice was all but gone when we talked to A today. It was still there and still angry but somehow me being gentle with it and A addressing it has softened its temperament.
We talked mostly about the wedding. About my journey with my fiancé. I told her all about the proposal and how lucky I feel. I even showed her a picture. I told her how I know I have a way to go but sometimes, sometimes it is a good idea to reflect on where we came from.
Seven years from diagnosis to remission. Five years since my last suicide attempt. And yes, I had a slip up in August but other than that two years since I’ve cut. Two years clean of that big lie. I wanted to be this woman on our wedding day. And I am. And god that is something to celebrate right now. This has been hard fucking work. But I did it. I have come far.
We also talked about my grandma, how she will be missing this day. How she gave me so much love and knew from day one even when I didn’t, that my fiancé was the one for me. We talked about how everyone is saying she will be there and “have the best seat” and how hard it is because I don’t believe that is true. I am not a spiritual individual, and so this grief that I never allowed myself to feel is so very real. I am bringing her with me any way I can.
At one point the critical voice came in and challenged her and I did my best to talk through it and vocalize it and A stopped and asked if she could talk directly to it. And I let her. And the critical voice didn’t know what to do with it when A said “I love you. It’s okay. You don’t have to change. You are doing nothing wrong. You were needed, and you are welcome here.”
A and the word love.
It was a light session comparatively speaking – but very necessary. I’ve been stressed, I didn’t sleep well. It’s a big day this weekend. We talked about how proud I am of how far I have come and how I still have to work to not put my fiancé on a pedestal.
We talked about other people’s actions (like my brother) and how I should work to not let them affect me and how I feel or behave. How I am responsible for my reactions to his actions, not him. And that’s a struggle.
I shared with her something from the WP world that has meant a lot to me this week. Recently many of you have made specific shout outs to me for inspiring you in some way, to write a letter or stay safe or complete a specific action and I can’t tell you how much that means to me. To think that beautiful things are happening because of the hurt I experience, it is the greatest gift. So thank you for being genuinely inspired by me, it is humbling and healing. It has truly been an honour and so helpful to be a part of this community.
One thing A mentioned this week was that counsellors “can only take someone as far as they themselves have been willing to walk.” And I think that’s beautiful… A has walked far and I’m grateful for her guidance, that she knows what that dark place feels like.
There is still a lot to work on, there is still a lot to come. There is a lot of shame and guilt and upset towards the old me, the past me. These are the under the surface emotions, the bottom part of the iceberg. I have to address the drinking, and I am not happy about that. But I’m happy with who I am in this moment, I am happy with A. I shared an article with her via email after we talked and thanked her and got the most emotion in return from an email I’ve ever seen from her.
“It has been an honour to walk this journey beside you. Have a wonderful wedding weekend”
And I think I will. As an exercise of honouring my past, and my future, I will.