It has been an honour

The critical voice was all but gone when we talked to A today. It was still there and still angry but somehow me being gentle with it and A addressing it has softened its temperament.

We talked mostly about the wedding. About my journey with my fiancé. I told her all about the proposal and how lucky I feel. I even showed her a picture. I told her how I know I have a way to go but sometimes, sometimes it is a good idea to reflect on where we came from.

Seven years from diagnosis to remission. Five years since my last suicide attempt. And yes, I had a slip up in August but other than that two years since I’ve cut. Two years clean of that big lie. I wanted to be this woman on our wedding day. And I am. And god that is something to celebrate right now. This has been hard fucking work. But I did it. I have come far.

We also talked about my grandma, how she will be missing this day. How she gave me so much love and knew from day one even when I didn’t, that my fiancé was the one for me. We talked about how everyone is saying she will be there and “have the best seat” and how hard it is because I don’t believe that is true. I am not a spiritual individual, and so this grief that I never allowed myself to feel is so very real. I am bringing her with me any way I can.

At one point the critical voice came in and challenged her and I did my best to talk through it and vocalize it and A stopped and asked if she could talk directly to it. And I let her. And the critical voice didn’t know what to do with it when A said “I love you. It’s okay. You don’t have to change. You are doing nothing wrong. You were needed, and you are welcome here.”

A and the word love. 

It was a light session comparatively speaking – but very necessary. I’ve been stressed, I didn’t sleep well. It’s a big day this weekend. We talked about how proud I am of how far I have come and how I still have to work to not put my fiancé on a pedestal. 

We talked about other people’s actions (like my brother) and how I should work to not let them affect me and how I feel or behave. How I am responsible for my reactions to his actions, not him. And that’s a struggle.

I shared with her something from the WP world that has meant a lot to me this week. Recently many of you have made specific shout outs to me for inspiring you in some way, to write a letter or stay safe or complete a specific action and I can’t tell you how much that means to me. To think that beautiful things are happening because of the hurt I experience, it is the greatest gift. So thank you for being genuinely inspired by me, it is humbling and healing. It has truly been an honour and so helpful to be a part of this community. 

One thing A mentioned this week was that counsellors “can only take someone as far as they themselves have been willing to walk.” And I think that’s beautiful… A has walked far and I’m grateful for her guidance, that she knows what that dark place feels like.

There is still a lot to work on, there is still a lot to come. There is a lot of shame and guilt and upset towards the old me, the past me. These are the under the surface emotions, the bottom part of the iceberg. I have to address the drinking, and I am not happy about that. But I’m happy with who I am in this moment, I am happy with A. I shared an article with her via email after we talked and thanked her and got the most emotion in return from an email I’ve ever seen from her. 

“It has been an honour to walk this journey beside you. Have a wonderful wedding weekend”

And I think I will. As an exercise of honouring my past, and my future, I will. 

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13 thoughts on “It has been an honour

  1. So much to celebrate, I am so glad you are acknowledging all of your hard work, and the changes you are seeing in your life. This is such a joyous time for you, and you have earned it, you have come so far, and you deserve to be happy and feeling safe and loved.

    Like

  2. 🙂 I smiled so much while reading this. First off, I am so proud of you for how hard you’ve worked and how much progress you have made. Maybe we are never truly done becoming the people we are meant to be, but you have come so far!
    Second, you thanked us, but I don’t know if you realize how thankful we are to know you in this WP community. So thank you for joining it and sharing your story and supporting us as well 🙂
    Have a great weekend, I’ll be thinking of you

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I have made a lot of progress. There are things to tackle still, for sure, but I’m proud. I am so grateful that you are thankful for me.

      This is a weekend to think about how far I have come, not how far I have to go. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • Right, this is a weekend to celebrate, on many levels.
        By the way, as far as learning to deal without using alcohol as a coping mechanism, I’d like to do that too, so whenever you’re ready, if you’d like to do it together, let me know.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Amazing. Thank you for that suggestion. I don’t often or ever write about it here and I’ve pretty much written off October, but likely in November.

        It’s a problem for me and I think I’m finally ready to admit it.

        Liked by 1 person

      • You’re welcome. You can just email me about it if you want, rather than posting about it. Up to you.
        That’s what I’ve felt the past few days, so I understand that. When you’re ready, if you want to do it, let me know.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. What a sweet post PD. Congrats on your achievements – health wise, and person wise also. It does me good to read a post like this sometimes, where a person stands up and is justly proud of herself.

    I will be thinking of you getting hitched on the weekend. Much happiness to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Congratulations! What an achievement, accepting yourself, loving the person you are going into your wedding.

    I wish you so much happiness on your wedding and through the many years of your marriage. Big hugs, Q.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do! I can’t believe it. I think that’s the most amazing part, that I truly have love for me right now. I have stuff I need to work through still and it will be hard and I likely will hate most of it but I’m happy.

      I love him and he loves me and I can’t believe I was lucky enough to get here

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You are definately an inspiration PD. It is because of you and a handful of others (Lily and Rea to name a few) that keep me plodding on. Your support of me is heartwarming, your support of others is amazing especially when you are fighting your own battles. I love the little BPD family on WP. I’d be lost without you all.
    I hope your wedding is everything you dream it to be and more. You are so deserving of the love that people feel for you xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much forever – I cried happy tears reading this. I have a long way to go and I imagine some of the harder battles are ahead – but this community and the work I’ve done keep me going. So much love to you.

      Liked by 1 person

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