I finished the last day of work work today before my wedding Saturday. I spent most of yesterday and today in this giddy state of happiness. I love my fiancé and I am so excited to be marrying him and honestly so fucking proud I lived this long to be here for this.
But I’m also tired. It’s 1:30am and I see A at 8, a freelance client of mine at 10am and then I have a call at 1pm. I was supposed to spend the day with my fiancé and his family, but honestly I think I’m better off being home and napping and actually winding down… which seems like a silly way to start this.
But I was at work until 6pm today not to mention a new contract issue dropped in my lap right before vacation so obviously I can’t stop thinking about margins and optimal performance and my employees and manpower, I have freelancing work I left until the last minute and finished tonight and now I have to meet with them in person (my genius idea) and had to prepare for that.
I’m just overwhelmed… and my parents fly in tomorrow.
Here’s the thing. Me and my Dad, totally fine together. Me and my Mom, totally fine together. Me and my Mom AND my Dad – touch and go. In all likelihood my Mom will find some way to make it all about my brother. She will talk about him at dinner or tomorrow or focus on him and not me. Or force me to text or call him in front of her and honestly… it wouldn’t surprise me. But then if I talk back better believe my Dad takes her side before mine.
Nothing has happened yet and I’m so stressed and about to only get 5 hours of sleep, because I have the Hamilton soundtrack running through my head (I’m obsessed and can’t stop listening to it and therefore can’t stop hearing it but honestly it’s SO good).
My brother and his live at home fiancé already changed their Facebook relationship to married this week. Apparently because they are tired of using the word fiancé but now everyone thinks they eloped and let’s guess whose marriage they’re not thinking about right now… that’s right, mine.
But I shouldn’t care. Yet I do. My first instinct is that it was a purposeful way to seize attention back from me and my wedding. And even though I’m not marrying my fiancé for attention, it is one of the rare times I would like for it to be about me in my family.
I’m not going to get that. But one of the reasons we are getting married out here is that it’s parents only. No siblings. And I’m going to start with low expectations so I am not disappointed.
I know the moment will be magical because it’s about us. That moment will be ours. And I’ve come so far. But there’s still so much under the surface, and I’m tired.