In 8 hours, I will be a wife. I will be changing my last name.
I think of myself as many different versions of me. I know that we are one and the same, intellectually. But emotionally and experience wise I’m divided into five. There’s child me, pre-teen me, teenager me, university me, and then the me I am today living where I do.
Part of my therapy goals is to integrate all my experiences. To recognize that the bad things that happened to say, pre-teen me, that those memories and emotions belong to current me as well. And there is so much reluctance there.
I can’t remember the last time I had a major life event (switching schools, moving somewhere new), and didn’t feel like I was actively working to separate myself into a new version of me… to put all the other stuff under lock and key and move on with a fresh start.
I told A two things on Friday. One, I don’t want to do that this time. I don’t have a desire to let go of the last four years and forget them. Living here has been amazing for me, and I’ve grown so much and even though there was some negative I don’t feel the desire for a “fresh start”, to let go of the last four years.
Two, it feels more important than ever to make sure I don’t do that. It is easy, new name, new you. But I think the key to integrating my whole life experience is to stop separating it.
All of me is marrying a man we love today. All of me.