Split Identities

In 8 hours, I will be a wife. I will be changing my last name. 

I think of myself as many different versions of me. I know that we are one and the same, intellectually. But emotionally and experience wise I’m divided into five. There’s child me, pre-teen me, teenager me, university me, and then the me I am today living where I do.

Part of my therapy goals is to integrate all my experiences. To recognize that the bad things that happened to say, pre-teen me, that those memories and emotions belong to current me as well. And there is so much reluctance there. 

I can’t remember the last time I had a major life event (switching schools, moving somewhere new), and didn’t feel like I was actively working to separate myself into a new version of me… to put all the other stuff under lock and key and move on with a fresh start. 

I told A two things on Friday. One, I don’t want to do that this time. I don’t have a desire to let go of the last four years and forget them. Living here has been amazing for me, and I’ve grown so much and even though there was some negative I don’t feel the desire for a “fresh start”, to let go of the last four years. 

Two, it feels more important than ever to make sure I don’t do that. It is easy, new name, new you. But I think the key to integrating my whole life experience is to stop separating it.

All of me is marrying a man we love today. All of me. 

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7 thoughts on “Split Identities

  1. Dear PD: Congratulations! I am so happy for you. I have experienced your loving nature through your blog postings and comments. I think your husband must be an extraordinarily wonderful person – because you say: “All of me is marrying a man we love today. All of me.” Fantastic!! In my mind, you two are surrounded with sweet-smelling beautiful flowers. Oh Happy Day! Love – TS

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It makes sense, wanting fresh starts and thus putting everything else away, and it’s hard not to do that when literally your last name is changing. You can do this, especially since you want to and it sounds important to you . I, too, am proud of you for everything you’ve accomplished, and I hope you really enjoy your day 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Beautiful, PD. I completely relate to having separate “versions” of me, especially from the many times I’ve moved. I think you’ve done incredible work – I haven’t known you long but I’m so proud of you, and I hope your day today is absolutely wonderful beyond words. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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