Yesterday was my wedding day. It was such a crazy day I am having trouble remembering any of it and it’s been less than 24 hours!
The night before was a bit of a disaster – I cut my toe open and managed to mess up the marriage license which resulted in a panicked call to our officiant at 10pm who reassured me it was fine. And then the morning of my wedding I got everything together and then went to pick up my Mom for our hair appointments in a car share, and I locked my cell phone in the car share car, which only opens with your cell phone. Thankfully within five minutes a lovely stranger came by and opened it for me with her cell phone and all was well.
My Mom and I got our hair done, and it was actually really nice to have time with her yesterday, nicer than I thought. And I am really glad that she was there. It’s hard, that she is both someone I need and love but also largely the source or root of all my trauma… yesterday she was a rock for me, and it gave me hope for us. She also played official photographer because it was a very small intimate ceremony – the big to-do comes much later – and I am grateful for those getting ready photos.
After that we had lunch with my Dad and I got changed, my Mom helped me into my dress and fix my hair. I remember staring at the mirror, hand on heart, thinking “I need to remember this moment”.
And then we got in the limo with my fiancé (husband! OMG haha husband) and his family and drove to the dock in this cove in the Pacific Northwest covered with trees and ocean and got married at the end of the dock with the fog in the trees… in the pouring rain and wind.
It was beautiful, it felt beautiful. I said my vows and my husband cried, and we said I do’s and exchanged rings and then went off to take photos. Our officiant was lovely and everyone was happy and we popped champagne in the limo – we had dinner and my husband and I went to the hotel we got given as a gift, in the most expensive and popular hotel in our country. And we re-read our vows to each other and had a first dance privately in the hotel room and more champagne.
But then I looked at the photos. And there is a LOT of shame living there. Our photographer posted one on her Instagram. And all I can think of is how awful I look – how fat and how my stomach sticks out. And that is really frustrating. It’s a beautiful photo and it’s actually not that bad – she uses angles to her advantage.
But our Moms (all three of them) took tons of photos and I have a double chin or back fat (my dress has a hole in the back) in a lot of the pictures. And I’m trying to reassure myself because they’re not professionals they’re Mom’s and if you take some from each Mom there are some lovely photos… but all I feel is shame.
My Mom and I were in the limo and I was feeling upset about this because the donut shop where we went to take pictures to escape the rain posted a photo of us and I LOOK HIDEOUS. The angle is awful, we are feeding each other donuts so we look like pigs and ugh. Everything about it is the worst. And I was showing her and lamenting how I felt and my MOTHER, of all people said “today is not the day for body shame, you look beautiful darling. Just enjoy it”
Of course that was in direct contrast to what my Dad said at dinner last night when they brought the cake for us to have as a celebration – when he told me “not to eat all of it cause I didn’t need it”… which like fuck you it’s my wedding night I’m going to eat all the damn cake.
I went from feeling pretty when I got dressed to feeling fat and ugly by the time I went to sleep, and that has continued into today.
And I am all parented out. My husbands parents are here for one more day with us and then tomorrow we see my parents and tonight we have dinner with all of them again and I’m done. Mostly with my husbands parents, because they are playing tourist and tease me a lot (which is fine if I’m not in a shame spiral) and my parents have been here so many times that they are happy to stay at home and do nothing.
But weirdly grateful for my Mother who was actually an amazing maid of honour and witness yesterday. She held my bouquet and brought Kleenex and fixed my dress and talked me out of my mid day shame spiral. But I didn’t want to feel like this about my wedding day, and it’s really frustrating to me that I do.
I have found myself locked in a body shame spiral and I don’t like it.