What do I think?

I know how I am ‘supposed‘ to feel and think. How I should be reacting to things – but I also know that most of the time that isn’t how I feel, or I feel so strongly a different way and don’t articulate myself.

That is the biggest barrier with my trauma. 

For example, my husband wants our second ceremony camera free and unplugged. We have paid a lot for a photographer and don’t want other people’s phones or cameras in the picture. We would rather they be present and we will share the photos after. 

His stepmom says that hurts her feelings and my Mom vocalized that my Aunt will be very upset. Now my husband is determined that if people don’t respect our wishes he wants to tell them how much it bothers him. Not in the middle of the ceremony but at a different time.

And it’s like…. I don’t know how I feel. He can be abrasive and come across blunt when activated. I am worried about this (which is also ridiculous cause often he shares with me how he feels and behaves differently).

First off, I agree with him, in theory. We are asking twice, once with a sign and having our officiant ask, people to keep phones and cameras off, and we are promising to share the professional photos. 

BUT THEN – everything in my high society bones says no. Even when people don’t listen – which they won’t – you can’t say anything. You just don’t do that. 

BUT THEN – I find myself trying to protect them, the people who are going out of their way to share their time with us and be there. People we excluded from our private ceremony. Mostly my Aunts and family who would be really hurt if he did tell them off or say something to them after – who have rooted for us from day one.

BUT THEN – that’s all about what everyone else thinks. I know what my husband thinks, I know what our parents think. I know what society thinks, and high society thinks. And I think I know my family’s reaction to it.

But what do I think? WHAT DO I THINK? 

And why can’t I think for myself right now? And why do I feel responsible for these people and their emotions? Why am I feeling responsible for how other people behave? 

I feel crippled and it’s distressing. I feel constantly stuck between what my parents want and what my husband wants and I don’t ever know what I want because I was never allowed to think for myself.

Instead of my feelings being validated they are often dismissed in the relationship with my parents – because that’s how they were taught to deal with their emotions. So I know that when they come over to our house today if I go “I am feeling pretty weird and down and sad” the response would be along the lines of “you just got married! You should be feeling so happy!” or “don’t be silly.” And then I would feel crappy for feeling sad.

Tell me how to think for myself. Tell me how I think, please, and what I really feel.

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6 thoughts on “What do I think?

  1. For the longest time I didn’t know what I want, or how to think…. I had always been told what to do. I really relate to this post because of how you talked about wanting to protect others and take responsibilty for them. I’ve always wondered why I’m like that – trying to always protect people’s feelings and ego. I hope things turned around for you!

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  2. It is so hard, to care so much about the people you love, and their needs, and also hold your own. Particularly when you weren’t taught and it wasn’t modeled to care for yourself and even really see yourself, as you are. A lot of conformity, pleasing, etc. makes it so hard to even know what you want to do. Sending my support.

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  3. “For example, my husband wants our second ceremony camera free and unplugged. We have paid a lot for a photographer and don’t want other people’s phones or cameras in the picture. We would rather they be present and we will share the photos after.”

    Your language here changed from “my husband” to “we” – is that a conscious / subconscious message that that is what you really want?

    It sucks to be stuck in the middle, especially when the things people want you to do conflict. There’s no easy answer. Thinking of you! 😘

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  4. Well, it seems from how you wrote this piece that you care a lot about others (and what they think), maybe even more than you care about yourself (and your thoughts/feelings). So perhaps it might be useful to just take some time apart during the day (like an hour or less), go for a walk or meditate and see what’s going on in your mind/heart.

    It’s really hard to properly answer your questions on “how to think for myself, how I think, what I really feel.” If someone had the ultimate answer to these questions, they’d probably be a billionaire by now. 🙂

    Anyways, step by step, day by day, and see what happens. Hope this was helpful, hugs ❤

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  5. It’s okay. You’re feeling this way because of what it was like growing up. You weren’t allowed to think for yourself, and/or your thoughts were pushed aside. So it’s natural that you don’t know how you think. It’s okay. In time, it will be easier for you to know what you think. This is a tough decision to make. However, whatever you chose, that’s what matters. It doesn’t matter if someone disagrees with it, because this is your day, not theirs.
    Maybe a pros/cons list would help you decide how you feel about this? It’s tough. Just know that whatever you do decide, your decision and thoughts are valid and worth being heard.

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