I know how I am ‘supposed‘ to feel and think. How I should be reacting to things – but I also know that most of the time that isn’t how I feel, or I feel so strongly a different way and don’t articulate myself.
That is the biggest barrier with my trauma.
For example, my husband wants our second ceremony camera free and unplugged. We have paid a lot for a photographer and don’t want other people’s phones or cameras in the picture. We would rather they be present and we will share the photos after.
His stepmom says that hurts her feelings and my Mom vocalized that my Aunt will be very upset. Now my husband is determined that if people don’t respect our wishes he wants to tell them how much it bothers him. Not in the middle of the ceremony but at a different time.
And it’s like…. I don’t know how I feel. He can be abrasive and come across blunt when activated. I am worried about this (which is also ridiculous cause often he shares with me how he feels and behaves differently).
First off, I agree with him, in theory. We are asking twice, once with a sign and having our officiant ask, people to keep phones and cameras off, and we are promising to share the professional photos.
BUT THEN – everything in my high society bones says no. Even when people don’t listen – which they won’t – you can’t say anything. You just don’t do that.
BUT THEN – I find myself trying to protect them, the people who are going out of their way to share their time with us and be there. People we excluded from our private ceremony. Mostly my Aunts and family who would be really hurt if he did tell them off or say something to them after – who have rooted for us from day one.
BUT THEN – that’s all about what everyone else thinks. I know what my husband thinks, I know what our parents think. I know what society thinks, and high society thinks. And I think I know my family’s reaction to it.
But what do I think? WHAT DO I THINK?
And why can’t I think for myself right now? And why do I feel responsible for these people and their emotions? Why am I feeling responsible for how other people behave?
I feel crippled and it’s distressing. I feel constantly stuck between what my parents want and what my husband wants and I don’t ever know what I want because I was never allowed to think for myself.
Instead of my feelings being validated they are often dismissed in the relationship with my parents – because that’s how they were taught to deal with their emotions. So I know that when they come over to our house today if I go “I am feeling pretty weird and down and sad” the response would be along the lines of “you just got married! You should be feeling so happy!” or “don’t be silly.” And then I would feel crappy for feeling sad.
Tell me how to think for myself. Tell me how I think, please, and what I really feel.