This past weekend, while magical and all, was really triggering for me. I have yet to figure out why, really, but it was busy and overwhelming and I now have all this other stuff to take care of before our second ceremony and reception on the 28th.
And while my parents and my fiancé’s (husband!) parents were there and we were surrounded by love and kindness I just don’t feel the way I think I should be feeling about it. I kind of feel underwhelmed.
Everyone is telling me how beautiful it was and how wonderful and how perfect and I loved our little ceremony on the dock by the mountains and ocean in the rain. I also loved our vows and the photo session we had after. But nothing else stands out to me as great. Other than the ring, I love the ring.
I feel like I am lying today – going around telling everyone how amazing it was and how happy I am. Like, yes, it was nice. But I feel vulnerable and too open and triggered and who knows why.
I want A. I want to curl up on her couch and tell her about how it really feels. I want her to hear my concerns and help me figure out where I stand and why I feel like this. I just got married, shouldn’t I be ecstatic?
I’m not unhappy about being married, that part is a good part, but all the family time around it has got me all weird… and I want A.
The little part of me is having a tantrum, and for that matter, the adult part too. I don’t want to care for myself right now, I want to be cared for by A.