I want A

This past weekend, while magical and all, was really triggering for me. I have yet to figure out why, really, but it was busy and overwhelming and I now have all this other stuff to take care of before our second ceremony and reception on the 28th. 

And while my parents and my fiancé’s (husband!) parents were there and we were surrounded by love and kindness I just don’t feel the way I think I should be feeling about it. I kind of feel underwhelmed.

Everyone is telling me how beautiful it was and how wonderful and how perfect and I loved our little ceremony on the dock by the mountains and ocean in the rain. I also loved our vows and the photo session we had after. But nothing else stands out to me as great. Other than the ring, I love the ring.

I feel like I am lying today – going around telling everyone how amazing it was and how happy I am. Like, yes, it was nice. But I feel vulnerable and too open and triggered and who knows why. 

I want A. I want to curl up on her couch and tell her about how it really feels. I want her to hear my concerns and help me figure out where I stand and why I feel like this. I just got married, shouldn’t I be ecstatic? 

I’m not unhappy about being married, that part is a good part, but all the family time around it has got me all weird… and I want A. 

The little part of me is having a tantrum, and for that matter, the adult part too. I don’t want to care for myself right now, I want to be cared for by A. 

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10 thoughts on “I want A

  1. This is maybe kind of weird, but this makes me think of children’s birthday parties. I ran kids parties for 5 years (mostly for kids aged 4 – 6), and most of the birthday kids were completely overwhelmed and crying. Everybody makes a big deal about it and they’re supposed to be having SO MUCH FUN and all the attention is on them and they just melt down. So your reaction makes perfect sense to me. It is hard to be in a situation where there is so much expectation about how you should feel, and feeling that you can’t be authentic with all the people constantly asking. I’m glad you can be authentic with us and A.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear PD: In the middle of big triggers in my own life so not relating very much. But just a thought – when I am with a lot of people (especially if I have to do something important) I feel unreal, even if otherwise everything is wonderful. I need special help from T when this happens.
    I don’t know if this is of any use to you. Love – TS

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Getting married and planning a wedding was a very intense and stressful experience for me. I mostly felt stunned and numb afterward. I’m certainly happy I got married and the wedding was lovely, but it was also exhausting and activating. Be gentle with yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. PD,
    It’s okay to feel how you feel. It’s really okay, even if it doesn’t feel okay.
    I echo what Journey to Strength said.
    Does your blog have a Contact Me page that I am missing? There is something I would like to share with you over email, not in the comment section. Let me know. xx Lily

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I’ve often felt similarly to things. Not that I’ve gotten married, but other things that I pictured beforehand as being huge, monumental things and then feeling let down because I don’t feel the “right” way.
    Throw a tantrum if you want. You’re entitled to your emotions, whatever they may be.
    I’m here if you need anything or if you want to talk not on WP, just email me

    Liked by 2 people

  6. If it helps at all I felt exactly the same after I got married. I think with me it was because of the stress leading up to the wedding and then with the actual event, and family all coming together. I was so worried people wouldn’t get on and I wouldn’t be able to cope with being the centre of attention. Only for afterwards to feel such an anti-climax and I just felt underwhelmed, it took me time to readjust.
    Just try and be kind to yourself, sending hugs xx

    Liked by 1 person

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