My husband and I had our first fight since the wedding. About wedding tables. Fucking wedding tables of all things.
We went to do the seating chart and ballroom set up and he saw I had changed the tables without talking to him. I did – I changed them because my parents wanted people sitting a certain way and I didn’t want to fight them. And I didn’t want to have the fight with my husband and was hoping he wouldn’t notice.
I should have known better but honestly it’s a table. I changed it to make my life easier – why does nobody understand that. Not arguing with my parents makes my life easier.
I didn’t do it to undermine the work he did on the seating chart. I didn’t do it to hurt him. But it did because he always feel second best to them… like I said – this wedding is a microcosm for my life.
So then I told him I wasn’t fighting and he said he was and deleted the sheet with everything on it. He went out of his way to be malicious and ruin something we had put a lot of work into creating. He deleted the file off of our Google Drive.
And I lost it. I cried. I’ve been crying for about two hours now. I am furious with him. I was shaking I was so angry. I had so much to do tonight, and now absolutely none of it will get done because now I am so upset.
I was crying so hard and trying not to harm myself because my god the urges to self harm right now – it would feel so right. And I would if I didn’t have a safety contract with strong that extended through today. It’s saving me right now.
I also don’t want him to know he won and got to me. I don’t want him to have to clean up after my meltdown. I am angry. I am so legitimately angry.
He came in to the bedroom, where I had retreated, and told me he had made a backup, to not cry to the point where I make myself sick and THAT, THAT was worse. Because if he deleted it in a moment of anger then fine. But he had a backup, he was simply being malicious and mean and looking to get a rise out of me.
For the record, this is unusual behaviour for him. I think he’s only done it once before, like five years ago. He is probably feeling very hurt and angry and communicating his disdain and frustration with my parents and the wedding in an innapropriate way but god, am I mad.
I am so mad I told him if he wanted any input into the task we were supposed to do tonight he needed to do it right now because I’m done asking for his opinion. And he did, so he knows and it’s just pride keeping him from apologizing now. Usually I give in but I won’t – I’m sorry but mean and malicious is not the man I married.
And now nothing I needed to get done will be finished tonight. I’ve given up and I’m giving in. I’ve taken some meds that make me drowsy and I’m going to force myself to sleep. It’s either that or drown in this. Since I emptied all my alcohol earlier to “start fresh” for the 40th time I have none of that around.
Fuck. I can feel it. I’m slipping into “do whatever keeps you most protected” mode. And now I won’t be able to articulate myself to him or get across how angry I am. I hate this. I hate everything right now. And he is going to get into bed and try to snuggle as if everything is okay but it’s not – he pushed a button and aimed to hurt and it did. And I’m not ok with that. But I will do whatever it takes to stay safe – because that’s what I do when I feel threatened – I nod and smile and behave.
Yay. Married life. #sarcasm
As if I didn’t have enough problems. I am feeling so hurt.