And then we fought

My husband and I had our first fight since the wedding. About wedding tables. Fucking wedding tables of all things.

We went to do the seating chart and ballroom set up and he saw I had changed the tables without talking to him. I did – I changed them because my parents wanted people sitting a certain way and I didn’t want to fight them. And I didn’t want to have the fight with my husband and was hoping he wouldn’t notice. 

I should have known better but honestly it’s a table. I changed it to make my life easier – why does nobody understand that. Not arguing with my parents makes my life easier.

I didn’t do it to undermine the work he did on the seating chart. I didn’t do it to hurt him. But it did because he always feel second best to them… like I said – this wedding is a microcosm for my life.

So then I told him I wasn’t fighting and he said he was and deleted the sheet with everything on it. He went out of his way to be malicious and ruin something we had put a lot of work into creating. He deleted the file off of our Google Drive.

And I lost it. I cried. I’ve been crying for about two hours now. I am furious with him. I was shaking I was so angry. I had so much to do tonight, and now absolutely none of it will get done because now I am so upset. 

I was crying so hard and trying not to harm myself because my god the urges to self harm right now – it would feel so right. And I would if I didn’t have a safety contract with strong that extended through today. It’s saving me right now. 

I also don’t want him to know he won and got to me. I don’t want him to have to clean up after my meltdown. I am angry. I am so legitimately angry. 

He came in to the bedroom, where I had retreated, and told me he had made a backup, to not cry to the point where I make myself sick and THAT, THAT was worse. Because if he deleted it in a moment of anger then fine. But he had a backup, he was simply being malicious and mean and looking to get a rise out of me.

For the record, this is unusual behaviour for him. I think he’s only done it once before, like five years ago. He is probably feeling very hurt and angry and communicating his disdain and frustration with my parents and the wedding in an innapropriate way but god, am I mad.

I am so mad I told him if he wanted any input into the task we were supposed to do tonight he needed to do it right now because I’m done asking for his opinion. And he did, so he knows and it’s just pride keeping him from apologizing now. Usually I give in but I won’t – I’m sorry but mean and malicious is not the man I married. 

And now nothing I needed to get done will be finished tonight. I’ve given up and I’m giving in. I’ve taken some meds that make me drowsy and I’m going to force myself to sleep. It’s either that or drown in this. Since I emptied all my alcohol earlier to “start fresh” for the 40th time I have none of that around. 

Fuck. I can feel it. I’m slipping into “do whatever keeps you most protected” mode. And now I won’t be able to articulate myself to him or get across how angry I am. I hate this. I hate everything right now. And he is going to get into bed and try to snuggle as if everything is okay but it’s not – he pushed a button and aimed to hurt and it did. And I’m not ok with that. But I will do whatever it takes to stay safe – because that’s what I do when I feel threatened – I nod and smile and behave. 

Yay. Married life. #sarcasm

As if I didn’t have enough problems. I am feeling so hurt. 

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10 thoughts on “And then we fought

  1. One thing I learned in my marriage is that although I was willing to sacrifice myself in order to maintain status quo with my parents, my wife isn’t. She does not believe she or I should have to forgo our own comfort, happiness, needs, wants just to avoid a conflict with them. I didn’t get it for a long time, but now I agree with her. And as my married life became more salient than my family life, I stopped discarding my own needs for the sake of avoiding conflict. Give yourselves some time to figure this out, it’s a huge transition for everyone.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Andi.

      I needed to read that today. It is a huge adjustment. It’s definitely been interesting. I’m looking forward to November when we can sink into a regular rhythm for ourselves and really define our marriage our way.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry, PD; I know this feels very stressful to you (him too, seems like) and wish I could wave a wand to make it go away. Since I can’t, I guess I would ask you to take a break by yourself, take a deep breath (or two or ten), and listen to yourself. Inside yourself, you know what is important and what isn’t. You can use that sense, when you are away from pressure and just attending to yourself, to figure out what matters. I have had the same struggles as you, thinking I don’t even know what I want, since I used all my efforts to figure out what others wanted me to want. Great survival mechanism for a while, but at some point it’s very frustrating to feel so out of touch. It’s a process, of course, but I do find that being alone and quiet, sometimes writing, sometimes just breathing for a while and then sensing into it, I will know. And I bet you will, too. That can help guide you through these challenging pressures and help you make decisions that bring you happiness. I do wish you so much happiness!

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is so frustrating to feel out of touch. I have yoga therapy again Saturday morning and I’m hoping that helps me figure it out, even if it’s painful (which given last time it feels like it will be).

      Like

  3. Weddings are almost always a microcosm of the family issues that exist. There is so much pressure, and so many people have such strong feelings about the way they want things to be. Conflict is almost always part of the picture. It’s sad that it turns out this way, but it often does. You can’t please everyone no matter what, and it often brings up issues of loyalty. I’m so sorry this is happening for you. The most important thing is that you are okay. The second most important thing is that you and your new husband are okay in your brand new marriage. It’s terrible that the stress of everything is bringing out the worst in him. I wish you the best for quick conflict resolution and compromise…

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is awful how weddings can bring out the worst in people. I’m okay, and I think we are okay, we ended up snuggling last night. We are not perfect and are still going to fight until this is done but I don’t think our marriage is in any sort of danger. I’m tired though.

      Liked by 1 person

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