Overwhelmed 

I am so tired.

I realize that my meltdown over tables and stuff wasn’t really all about tables and stuff. It was a combination of dealing with so much pressure and family and being stressed. And my number one ally seemingly turning on me. 

My bed feels safe right now. It’s the only place that does. I’ve been activated into this triggered state that makes anywhere that is not my bed, alone, feel unsafe. 

I don’t see A until tomorrow evening, and I would tell her what is going on but what am I going to say – 

A,

Had a meltdown over table numbers. Am having temper tantrums like a giant child. Can’t handle work. Feeling disconnected from husband. Maybe don’t want new name. Got married but seemingly don’t care and feel like I should care because everyone cares. Worried depression is back after a 10 month remission. Hate most pictures of myself from wedding day and can’t look at myself in the mirror. Dads comments triggered new shame spiral. Therefore I’m eating salad. Have tons of work and no time. Have to teach in a week and owe presentation and documents yesterday. Freelance clients need things. Running out of money and owe tons for second wedding I’m not sure I want. Confused by parents being awesome on Saturday yet not so awesome most of the rest of the time. Who knew they knew how to be awesome. Wedding is microcosm for real life and I’m overwhelmed by this. One Aunt still hasn’t reached out to say congrats cause she is pissy and I care too much. Details to worry about. Expecting meltdown if not already having one. See you tomorrow,

PD. 

I don’t know how to answer the inevitable question of “how are you? How was the wedding?” 

I guess overwhelmed would be a good place to start. 

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8 thoughts on “Overwhelmed 

  1. I was thinking about you some more last night and then thinking about that horrible term “Bridezilla.” It’s a very sexist way of blaming brides for becoming stressed and overwhelmed about their weddings. Instead maybe we should be thinking about the insane amount of pressure we put on making the whole thing so damned perfect and ensuring that everyone on both sides of the family is satisfied, no matter what they want and whether it fits with everything else. Not to mention the bride should look like a 22-year-old model (even though models have an unusual body type) and always smile no matter how many other people around her gripe or complain or make snide remarks. No wonder brides often get so stressed out. It’s the situation, not you and not your new husband. Maybe (?) it can be helpful to you both to step back and see that. Also that this is just one day, and the point of it all is your long life together afterwards. I hope your parents can show their awesome sides a bit longer and maybe even take some of the load off?

    P.S. Loving your own body is an act of rebellion against social norms that tell us our worth is based on looking a certain way. It is very, very hard to push back against those norms because they infiltrate everything. But you are smart and self-aware, and you know inside yourself that you are beautiful and desirable as you are. Please try to hang onto that. xxoo

    Liked by 3 people

    • I completely agree about the enormous pressure put onto brides (your comments, Q, made me look back at my own wedding and realise that I was not the one being unreasonable). Sending friendly and calming thoughts to you PD, you have done an amazing job so far.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You explained it so well. Maybe it’d be helpful to read from that or have her read it? There’s a lot in there, so many different pieces and yet they’re all coming together and of course it’s hard to deal with them all. And I want to tell you that it is going to be okay. It doesn’t feel that way right now, because of all these different pieces, but it will be okay.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks – it’s so interesting now that I am so aware of myself that I can see my defence mechanisms in play. I’m so high functioning outwardly when triggered, it’s borderline terrifying. I stuff everything away because it’s not safe to deal with it and I become this exceptionally high functioning robot of a human but with added warmth. And I feel like I’m watching myself go through my day from a distance.

      Liked by 2 people

    • Oh and I also need to add, you so not need to just eat salad. There is nothing wrong with your body. In the wedding dress pic you posted a little while back you looked amazing. You have a lovely figure. Try not to listen to such negative comments. You are beautiful xx

      Liked by 2 people

  3. hey buddy, I am hearing how stressed and at your capacity you are. Wanting to send my support (in real time, as I am actually on a computer when you posted this!). Have been reading along and thinking of you and silently supporting. I think you’re handling everything well, I would have lost my shit by now with a wedding and family (after just recently coming home from that extended trip) and everything else…
    Hang in there. xx

    Liked by 1 person

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