I am so tired.
I realize that my meltdown over tables and stuff wasn’t really all about tables and stuff. It was a combination of dealing with so much pressure and family and being stressed. And my number one ally seemingly turning on me.
My bed feels safe right now. It’s the only place that does. I’ve been activated into this triggered state that makes anywhere that is not my bed, alone, feel unsafe.
I don’t see A until tomorrow evening, and I would tell her what is going on but what am I going to say –
Had a meltdown over table numbers. Am having temper tantrums like a giant child. Can’t handle work. Feeling disconnected from husband. Maybe don’t want new name. Got married but seemingly don’t care and feel like I should care because everyone cares. Worried depression is back after a 10 month remission. Hate most pictures of myself from wedding day and can’t look at myself in the mirror. Dads comments triggered new shame spiral. Therefore I’m eating salad. Have tons of work and no time. Have to teach in a week and owe presentation and documents yesterday. Freelance clients need things. Running out of money and owe tons for second wedding I’m not sure I want. Confused by parents being awesome on Saturday yet not so awesome most of the rest of the time. Who knew they knew how to be awesome. Wedding is microcosm for real life and I’m overwhelmed by this. One Aunt still hasn’t reached out to say congrats cause she is pissy and I care too much. Details to worry about. Expecting meltdown if not already having one. See you tomorrow,
I don’t know how to answer the inevitable question of “how are you? How was the wedding?”
I guess overwhelmed would be a good place to start.