There are so many things I noticed when I woke up this morning. I am not used to feeling things when I wake up. Okay, to be fair, I am not used to feeling things that are not hungover, or cloudy.
I had one glass of wine at work both Thursday and Friday to celebrate a coworkers milestone. So I haven’t had nothing to drink. But I can’t tell you the last time I only had one glass of something. And I woke up feeling sober and connected to myself both yesterday and today.
It’s interesting, feelings. A always asks me to try to describe them, where I feel them, what they are. And I find that question so hard. Because I don’t know. If I knew, I wouldn’t be spending almost 35% of my income seeing A. (I can get snarky and once actually responded with that, to which she said – it’s okay to push back. This is scary).
So I sat on my couch this morning, debating if I should eat (I should), and waiting until 9:20 when it was an appropriate time to leave for yoga therapy. All the while trying to identify my feelings.
But maybe identifying them while I am alone isn’t the key – maybe the awareness is the goal right now. And the goal of awareness actually makes me feel a lot better, because it is something I don’t feel I can do “wrong”. Which means I am way more likely to try. So I am going to make my goal, when I am alone, to sit and just be curious about and be aware of the fact that I have feelings. Simplify the goal for a better chance at success.
I have feelings. I have a lot of them. I have 28 years of them stored in the same spot. And I have to take time to gently remind myself that they’re going to take time. That this is going to take time, untangling them and letting them out. And that is okay. It doesn’t make me a failure, or wrong. If I was never taught about emotions, or that they were okay, or how to safely express them – then how would I know how to do it?
I want to figure out how talking in yoga therapy works, because I would like to share things with her. Maybe I will write. I do better with writing. Navigating a new therapeutic relationship is tough… and we will see how today goes. I’m anxious, and I’m afraid because being open is really difficult – even though N seems lovely – and yoga therapy gets me there.
I want to see if I can avoid alcohol completely today and try to sit with this. Cry if I need to, let out anger if I need to. Numbing myself doesn’t help me. And I want to be better at respecting that inner me, the girl on the top of the stairs. She deserves to be seen and heard. Nobody else let her, so I am going to try.