Simplify the goal

There are so many things I noticed when I woke up this morning. I am not used to feeling things when I wake up. Okay, to be fair, I am not used to feeling things that are not hungover, or cloudy. 

I had one glass of wine at work both Thursday and Friday to celebrate a coworkers milestone. So I haven’t had nothing to drink. But I can’t tell you the last time I only had one glass of something. And I woke up feeling sober and connected to myself both yesterday and today. 

It’s interesting, feelings. A always asks me to try to describe them, where I feel them, what they are. And I find that question so hard. Because I don’t know. If I knew, I wouldn’t be spending almost 35% of my income seeing A. (I can get snarky and once actually responded with that, to which she said – it’s okay to push back. This is scary). 

So I sat on my couch this morning, debating if I should eat (I should), and waiting until 9:20 when it was an appropriate time to leave for yoga therapy. All the while trying to identify my feelings. 

But maybe identifying them while I am alone isn’t the key – maybe the awareness is the goal right now. And the goal of awareness actually makes me feel a lot better, because it is something I don’t feel I can do “wrong”. Which means I am way more likely to try. So I am going to make my goal, when I am alone, to sit and just be curious about and be aware of the fact that I have feelings. Simplify the goal for a better chance at success. 

I have feelings. I have a lot of them. I have 28 years of them stored in the same spot. And I have to take time to gently remind myself that they’re going to take time. That this is going to take time, untangling them and letting them out. And that is okay. It doesn’t make me a failure, or wrong. If I was never taught about emotions, or that they were okay, or how to safely express them – then how would I know how to do it? 

I want to figure out how talking in yoga therapy works, because I would like to share things with her. Maybe I will write. I do better with writing. Navigating a new therapeutic relationship is tough… and we will see how today goes. I’m anxious, and I’m afraid because being open is really difficult – even though N seems lovely – and yoga therapy gets me there. 

I want to see if I can avoid alcohol completely today and try to sit with this. Cry if I need to, let out anger if I need to. Numbing myself doesn’t help me. And I want to be better at respecting that inner me, the girl on the top of the stairs. She deserves to be seen and heard. Nobody else let her, so I am going to try. 

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8 thoughts on “Simplify the goal

  1. You’re showing yourself a lot of compassion. Feeling feelings and naming them is tough. It is still remarkably hard for me. I can quickly identify when my anxiety rises and if I get super pissed off. Everything else, especially sadness, is hard. It’ll take time but I have hope for both of us.
    And to the girl at the top of the stairs, I see you, I hear you, and I honor you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I joked with A once that I needed her to print off a list of possible emotions – but sometimes I think I actually need her to. I don’t look forward to the day shame and I meet in person… grief and I are battling it out right now and that’s uncomfortable enough.

      I have hope for both of us too, and I will hold hope for you always – even if you feel like you can’t hold it.

      That last sentence strong, it made me feel so comforted and heard. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Me too. Just google “Emotion wheel”, that’s what we have used in some of my classes, and honestly I don’t know all the emotions. It’s the strangest thing when you role play and your “client” uses an emotion word and you don’t know what it is.
        Shame has so much power, and I don’t mean that in terms of ‘we can never beat it’. It’s hard and it has us believing things like we aren’t good enough.
        I love that phrase, holding hope for someone when they can’t hold it. It’s a powerful phrase and I thank you, and I will also always hold it for you too.
        🙂 You’re welcome. I can relate, which you know.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I used to say “I don’t know what feelings I have,” or “I don’t know where I feel it.” But over time, it’s becoming easier (not yet easy) to figure it out. Mindfulness, body therapies, journaling about it–all these things help.

    I think you are really wise to take the perspective of a curious person and just observe what’s going on inside of you. No judgment. No rules for what you should or shouldn’t feel. Just see what is there and what it feels like.

    The other thing I do to help myself out at times is to remind myself, when I feel overwhelmed, that no one ever died from feelings. It might be hard, but I can feel this and get through it. Also, no feeling lasts forever.

    Wishing you all the best. I’m glad you are taking care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your writing really resonates with me. Especially the, “I have feelings. I have a lot of them. I have 28 years of them stored in the same spot. And I have to take time to gently remind myself that they’re going to take time. That this is going to take time, untangling them and letting them out. And that is okay.” It genuinely is okay. And it will take time. And that’s okay. I should probably say the exact same thing to myself.

    I like the goal of being curious and aware of feelings – that’s a great goal and sounds much more achievable than struggling to label them when you aren’t with A.

    I hope yoga therapy goes well.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think I will come back and read this comment every time I feel impatient or like I should be moving faster. Thank you for your kind words. And yoga therapy was amazing and continues to surprise me and is way more than what I expected.

      Liked by 1 person

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