My happiness about my earlier achievement has been short lived. I have known my husband was upset since finding out I was hiding alcohol from him.
And he said some snarky things today and something really hurtful and I decided to call him on it. I told him that he can be mad but let’s at least be honest about what it is about. That I know he is mad at me.
“You’re damn right I am. I am furious with you. You tell me that you have everything under control. You tell me that I’m not allowed to call you out on your drinking or on your poor habits. I censor myself because you tell me that’s what you need to make changes. And then, you don’t change. You tell me you will change. I get mad, and then you change for me just long enough for me to believe you have changed. Then, you start again. I’m done. I’m done with this. I am done with comforting you for the consequences of decisions that you actively make.
You told me 8 months ago, when I found you hiding alcohol, that it would NEVER happen again. That you may struggle with how much you’re drinking but you wouldn’t hide it from me. And then yesterday I find this. And you know what that makes you? A liar. And maybe it’s just about this. Maybe. It probably is. But given our history with your lying how am I supposed to believe that this is all you’re lying about? You have told me at least three times in the last year that this would stop.
I know you’ve said sorry, but if you’re sorry, show me that you’re sorry because right now your words mean nothing. Actions speak louder than words, and I don’t see any action. I see you in therapy and you tell me you’ve made progress but where is it? You don’t share any of that with me. You don’t talk about it with me. And then I find this – and it doesn’t look like progress to me.
You need to figure this out, and right now you need to figure out why YOU want to do this, because I need some time. I don’t want to go to MO right now – I don’t want to have our second wedding. I’ll do it, and I’ll get through it, and I’ll say the right things – but know that that is all that it will be. You are not behaving like the woman I fell in love with.
This has to change. And we have had this conversation and I’ve heard your suggestions but PD, those are the same nice words I have heard you say 100 times before. They sound good, and you’ll be different for two weeks and then, you fall back right into it. So you figure out what needs to be different this time for this to stop. Because you can’t stop for me – it needs to be from you. Why do you want to change? Do you even want to change?
And enough about the “I will tackle this in November.” November has been coming for three years. There is always a reason you can’t do it now. You need to slow down, and you need to stay away from the things that hurt you, and you need to sort this shit out, PD. And right now you need to figure out how to do it without my active support. I love you, but I need to take care of myself right now.”
I think the worst part is he is right, about all of it. I don’t know why I don’t want to drink. For that matter I don’t know anything about myself. I did get the chance to tell him why I drink, and explain what I’ve learned the past week. And I told him that me coming in the bedroom and demanding a conversation about it was a sign of progress, as was not blaming him for my mistake.
But he’s not wrong. He’s not wrong. I’ve had the “I will change” conversation with him 100 times before. How do you make that stick?
I don’t want to go to MO. And I suck at comforting myself. I don’t know what to do right now. So I’m breathing and lying down and acknowledging that these problems are all a product of my childhood, and I am literally on my own to fix them. And that that fucking sucks.
I am glad I talked to him though. I am glad I gave him space to be angry with me. His emotions are valid and too often he hides how he feels from me because I can’t handle the confrontation.
And he cares for me regardless. He just brought me hot tea and rubbed my back even though I am the one who has made him upset. He is caring for me despite how mad he is.
This is too painful.. the ache in my chest is on fire and I wish I had that weighted blanket from yoga therapy. I can’t shake the feeling that my relationship with my husband is on the line if I don’t change so drinking isn’t the answer to this pain. I’ll sit with this as long as I can but I already feel myself slipping away and into being perfect. I’ll be perfect for two weeks and have no needs or emotions, I’ll just exist as an empty, disassociative shell.
There’s no point in seeing A then before my MO trip. If this is how it’s going to be. Until I figure out how to actually inspire this change that I need to save this relationship – until I figure out how to do this, I’ll just be perfect. After all, I’ve done it before.