I am doing my absolute best to continue to feel. I am in so much pain, and I am uncomfortable, and there are these emotions that are being accompanied by spontaneous crying. But I am trying to remember what A said about disassociating being more harmful for me than sitting with it and letting myself feel, so I am trying. I’m trying.
I don’t know how long I will make it feeling like this before I check out, but it’s been almost 12 hours so far. I wrote A a long letter yesterday that I will give her at the beginning of session on Wednesday in case I can’t articulate myself. And I’m trying to make healthy choices.
I’ve been breathing how N taught me whenever I feel a panic attack coming on and that’s staved off a whole chain reaction. And I’ve been trying to use resources I have. Owner1 is away at work – he is a good friend and person I can turn to.. and today I took a chance and went to Owner2. We don’t have the best relationship but I hoped he would surprise me in his support – and he did. I needed a tough love kind of chat, and he provided. I felt connected, validated, and like it was okay for me to be emotional right now.
So, I’m coping. I’m getting by. But I am in an almost intolerable amount of emotional distress. I don’t know if I will make it to Wednesday without checking out and disassociating but I’m going to try. I am also going to keep trying to convince myself that feeling this much and this raw is a good thing… cause it does not feel like it is.
I keep reminding myself that I am in control even though this is the least amount of “in control” I’ve ever felt. And that I don’t have to do anything – in fact, I shouldn’t. I should let these emotions pass through uninterrupted and let them into the universe. Let them be seen and heard.
I hate this. I feel so vulnerable. And so unsafe. And alone. But I’m trusting A and I’m trusting all of you who said real is better than fake. I still wish it would end and long for the (perceived) safety of my disassociated state.