Still Feeling Real

I am doing my absolute best to continue to feel. I am in so much pain, and I am uncomfortable, and there are these emotions that are being accompanied by spontaneous crying. But I am trying to remember what A said about disassociating being more harmful for me than sitting with it and letting myself feel, so I am trying. I’m trying.

I don’t know how long I will make it feeling like this before I check out, but it’s been almost 12 hours so far. I wrote A a long letter yesterday that I will give her at the beginning of session on Wednesday in case I can’t articulate myself. And I’m trying to make healthy choices.

I’ve been breathing how N taught me whenever I feel a panic attack coming on and that’s staved off a whole chain reaction. And I’ve been trying to use resources I have. Owner1 is away at work – he is a good friend and person I can turn to.. and today I took a chance and went to Owner2. We don’t have the best relationship but I hoped he would surprise me in his support – and he did. I needed a tough love kind of chat, and he provided. I felt connected, validated, and like it was okay for me to be emotional right now. 

So, I’m coping. I’m getting by. But I am in an almost intolerable amount of emotional distress. I don’t know if I will make it to Wednesday without checking out and disassociating but I’m going to try. I am also going to keep trying to convince myself that feeling this much and this raw is a good thing… cause it does not feel like it is. 

I keep reminding myself that I am in control even though this is the least amount of  “in control” I’ve ever felt. And that I don’t have to do anything – in fact, I shouldn’t. I should let these emotions pass through uninterrupted and let them into the universe. Let them be seen and heard. 

I hate this. I feel so vulnerable. And so unsafe. And alone. But I’m trusting A and I’m trusting all of you who said real is better than fake. I still wish it would end and long for the (perceived) safety of my disassociated state.


9 thoughts on “Still Feeling Real

  1. Keep writing if it keeps you open. Keep doing what you have been taught however exhausting and difficult.
    Your husband is going have to bear with you for a bit longer because there is no quick fix. You clearly love and respect each other and you can both get through it.
    One day at a time x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Being real is better. You’re not alone. We are here with you and for you. And you’re right, you don’t have to do anything at all right now. Just notice that there is an emotion. You’re doing so well, making healthy choices, writing A the letter. Just take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. This will pass, even when it feels like it won’t.

    Liked by 1 person

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