I wrote a post called “Numbed Out” but it didn’t seem to be true so I deleted it. Because while I’m not emotionally connected when in a work environment or in an environment I need to “step up” in, as soon as someone asks how I am or I’m alone the emotion comes out again. So I guess if you are A, that’s good. If you are me, well, I can’t find any extra emotional energy to care.
There is a part of me that thinks I deserve to feel this way. That these emotions are some form of punishment for me doing something wrong. The hiding the alcohol or talking to A about my parents. That emotions are wrong and feeling them is wrong and I’m only feeling them because I did something wrong.
Fuck, it is so painful.
I don’t want them. I’m done with them. I’m done having them. I’m just done. Getting to 4:45p tomorrow feels impossible. Seeing A and talking feels impossible. I may for the first time sit down and say nothing. I may share nothing.
Because honestly, what’s the point. I have an act to continue. I have a role to perform. Being anything other than that person right now isn’t going to help me get through the next two weeks. I’m barely capable of getting through them as is.
And no matter what I feel, think, need, or want – the show must go on. There’s an audience waiting, and disappointing them just isn’t an option.