Cycling

I wrote a post called “Numbed Out” but it didn’t seem to be true so I deleted it. Because while I’m not emotionally connected when in a work environment or in an environment I need to “step up” in, as soon as someone asks how I am or I’m alone the emotion comes out again. So I guess if you are A, that’s good. If you are me, well, I can’t find any extra emotional energy to care. 

There is a part of me that thinks I deserve to feel this way. That these emotions are some form of punishment for me doing something wrong. The hiding the alcohol or talking to A about my parents. That emotions are wrong and feeling them is wrong and I’m only feeling them because I did something wrong. 

Fuck, it is so painful.

I don’t want them. I’m done with them. I’m done having them. I’m just done. Getting to 4:45p tomorrow feels impossible. Seeing A and talking feels impossible. I may for the first time sit down and say nothing. I may share nothing. 

Because honestly, what’s the point. I have an act to continue. I have a role to perform. Being anything other than that person right now isn’t going to help me get through the next two weeks. I’m barely capable of getting through them as is. 

And no matter what I feel, think, need, or want – the show must go on. There’s an audience waiting, and disappointing them just isn’t an option. 

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24 thoughts on “Cycling

  1. Just wanted to drop in and say how much I am enjoying reading your blog. I have been reading it from the start, and I am so amazed and happy to find somebody sharing their journey through all of these things in such a raw and intimate way. It is infinitely comforting. I’m sure I’ll comment again, and I’m following you now, but I just wanted to pause and say this while I’m here. X

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You don’t deserve this. You deserve to work through everything and to feel better. I agree with Ellen, it may be best to use tomorrow to plan for MO, or at least use part of the session for that.

    Like

  3. I kind of think that in a crisis (even a good crisis like a wedding), it’s not an ideal time to try and change long-standing patterns that helped you survive. I totally get how you feel the need to essentially play-act with your FOO – I do also. My opinion is to keep doing whatever you were doing to cope previously, except if that directly immediately harms you (like SH or drinking too much). Get through the crisis, giving yourself a break, and then return to working on letting emotions come up and being more real. Maybe your session could focus on containment for now, until you are through the wedding parties and family events.

    My two cents. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m with you on this Ellen. I managed for a few days to identify the emotion and try to work through it and now I’m at the point where I can’t anymore.

      I think you’re right. I may sit down with her tomorrow and just say “I can’t do emotions today. I need to focus on how I’m going to get through this trip.”

      Liked by 1 person

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