It Feels Impossible

I have either numbed out or passed through the worst of it. Or I am in a lull, like the eye of the storm.

This is exhausting, feeling so much. And it’s so hard to try to be present with my emotions AND work AND teach AND do whatever else I am supposed to do. Like freelancing and wedding stuff and being a compassionate wife.

Ah, tears. Likely not numbed out then. But I am in bed, and alone, my favourite place. It’s easiest to be me, whoever that is, while I am here. 

The last few days have really made me realize how codependent my relationship with my family is, and how much I learned to play my reaction off of other people. And how much I take on the emotions of others. 

And it feels impossible. It feels impossible to get through this. Where is the end? Does it ever get easier to sit in emotions? Am I ever going to be able to name them or deal with them or am I going to be stuck with “I feel good” and “I feel bad”. It feels impossible, yet I’m doing it. 

I used to be able to picture a life where I was completely, 100%, myself. Where my reactions were mine and my decisions were mine. Where I was no longer walking through life on eggshells, my behaviour and reactions dictated by those around me.

I have decided to avoid MO after this, for at least 7 months, possibly longer. As much as it pains me – it is not a healthy place for me to be. It is not a healthy choice for me to go there. And that breaks my heart, but I recognize it won’t always be that way. Or maybe it will. I can’t care – I have to put myself first.

I was struck by something I remembered while writing out my letter to A. My very first therapist, I was 16. I went to her and said “I feel like my life is a movie. Like I’m not real. Like the things happening aren’t real. And I imagine how things would go if I could change the script.”

And that therapist told me that was a problem and I needed to live in reality and I was wrong and I think she thought I meant I was fantasizing – and I haven’t thought about that or managed to articulate it in years… because as a teenager who showed vulnerability with an adult for the first time I was shut down… until my letter to A this past week: 

Neither of us want to go to MO. I feel like I have no way of getting through this. And like I’m just devolving into this empty shell and into being perfect me, ready to once again be the blushing bride and doting daughter. When I was a child I used to imagine my life was a movie and when bad things happened to me it was okay because it wasn’t real, it was just a movie. I was an actor on a set playing a role and that’s why I didn’t get to feel anything – I had to do what the script told me until I left set – only I didn’t leave that set until I moved here. I feel like when I fly back to MO I’m walking back on set, the aged child star who they are doing a wedding special about because they are out of ideas to keep a 28 year series fresh. 

I know I’m in the middle of it right now and that’s why I can’t see progress but I am amazed I have yet to get drunk and I am amazed I have yet to completely disassociate or numb out. I am a mess, but it’s real. I might as well let my emotions out while it’s safe, because when I walk back onto set in three days – it won’t be.

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13 thoughts on “It Feels Impossible

      • I can’t shake the feeling I’m just being over dramatic – because I mean who is even lucky enough to have 2 weddings. I should be grateful, not feeling like I do.

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      • I understand the feeling. But you do feel this way and it is okay to feel this way. And beating yourself up about it is not going to make it any better. You’re in pain and that is real. You have reasons for your reactions and it is okay to feel this way (it doesn’t feel okay but it is okay to feel this way). Is there any possibility you can be gentle to yourself? Perhaps if you imagine this happening to someone else – I imagine you would feel compassion for their pain, even if the circumstances seemed “lucky”

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  1. Not going to MO after this for a while sounds likes a really healthy decision, at least until you feel as if you have better skills to manage your interactions with your family. I can relate very much to this, because it’s what I am doing as far as dating is concerned, and this was one of the causes of the rupture between myself and my male therapist – I suddenly had an epiphany that it was a mistake to dive back into it after so many years given that I lacked the really basic relationship skills that I’m currently working on (around needs and boundaries) because it was bound to end badly, and he was still telling me I could work my way through it. I think your judgement is spot on.

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    • Every time I go back there it’s setback after setback. Thank you for validating my choice, I really appreciate it.

      Now to get through this trip in one piece. Or honestly, if I come back and have not self harmed, I’ll consider that a relative success.

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  2. You’re doing well, especially with not drinking. Staying with these emotions is hard work. And I believe it will get easier.
    With what your first therapist said, I really don’t understand her reaction. What you said made so much sense to me, and it sounds more like detaching from the situation and just watching it, which I’ve done as well.

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