I cracked last night. Had wine with a potential client (3 glasses) and then came home and drank half a bottle of my favourite wine… I didn’t even enjoy it. I just drank it. I also got a text from a girlfriend telling me I’m Wonder Woman and she’s so impressed by all I’m juggling (she’s talking freelancing, teaching, work, and the wedding. Has no idea my emotional state) and how motivating it is for her – and I cackled inwardly at the juxtaposition. Outside – I’m perfect. I am inspiring people – and a role model. (WTF??) Inside – I’m a mess.
I woke up this morning and have acid reflux and I am feeling still slightly drunk because, well, 6 hours of sleep isn’t enough to be hungover after a bottle and a half of wine.
What it did do was provide a direct comparison to waking up emotional and feeling awful versus hungover and feeling awful AND still having the emotions to deal with. The emotional nature of my drinking, drowning out feelings so I don’t have them anymore… it doesn’t solve anything. Sure it feels better in the moment (does it?), but then you make and eat like 5 hamburgers (actually) at 11pm and your goals fly out the window and you wake up feeling like crap physically and emotionally (cause 5 hamburgers, your body hates the alcohol and you didn’t actually DEAL with anything just stuffed it away so those emotions are angry and neglected).
Tonight my husband leaves for MO. I’ll have the house to myself for two nights, which is never an easy thing for me. In two more sleeps I leave. I have to do laundry and pack and all of this stuff and I can tell I don’t want to go – because I don’t care. I don’t want to do any of it.
I see A at 4;45p today. I don’t want to. I can’t find it in me to want connection with her – which is my #1 numbing out sign. Usually she is a safe person – but when I’m disassociating from life, she becomes unsafe.
Or I could still just be drunk. Who knows.
I read a friends post this morning on Facebook about inviting your fears to tea – and I think I might try writing about that. Except I am inviting my fears to wine and cheese night, cause why not.
Sorry this is so scattered. I am not demonstrating the best coping skills right now.
I simply don’t want to go.