Cracked

I cracked last night. Had wine with a potential client (3 glasses) and then came home and drank half a bottle of my favourite wine… I didn’t even enjoy it. I just drank it. I also got a text from a girlfriend telling me I’m Wonder Woman and she’s so impressed by all I’m juggling (she’s talking freelancing, teaching, work, and the wedding. Has no idea my emotional state) and how motivating it is for her – and I cackled inwardly at the juxtaposition. Outside – I’m perfect. I am inspiring people – and a role model. (WTF??) Inside – I’m a mess.

I woke up this morning and have acid reflux and I am feeling still slightly drunk because, well, 6 hours of sleep isn’t enough to be hungover after a bottle and a half of wine.

What it did do was provide a direct comparison to waking up emotional and feeling awful versus hungover and feeling awful AND still having the emotions to deal with. The emotional nature of my drinking, drowning out feelings so I don’t have them anymore… it doesn’t solve anything. Sure it feels better in the moment (does it?), but then you make and eat like 5 hamburgers (actually) at 11pm and your goals fly out the window and you wake up feeling like crap physically and emotionally (cause 5 hamburgers, your body hates the alcohol and you didn’t actually DEAL with anything just stuffed it away so those emotions are angry and neglected).

Tonight my husband leaves for MO. I’ll have the house to myself for two nights, which is never an easy thing for me. In two more sleeps I leave. I have to do laundry and pack and all of this stuff and I can tell I don’t want to go – because I don’t care. I don’t want to do any of it.

I see A at 4;45p today. I don’t want to. I can’t find it in me to want connection with her – which is my #1 numbing out sign. Usually she is a safe person – but when I’m disassociating from life, she becomes unsafe. 

Or I could still just be drunk. Who knows. 

I read a friends post this morning on Facebook about inviting your fears to tea – and I think I might try writing about that. Except I am inviting my fears to wine and cheese night, cause why not. 

Sorry this is so scattered. I am not demonstrating the best coping skills right now. 

I simply don’t want to go. 

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8 thoughts on “Cracked

  1. It’s understandable that you might not be coping very well right now. I used to have this very rigid version of perfect and if I wasn’t that, then I was every single bad thing you can possibly think of. My version of perfect is less rigid now, and I don’t usually feel a need to strive for it, except for when I’m seeing my family. You don’t have to be perfect. It’s okay to struggle and mess up and feel icky and whatever else— those feelings don’t take away the good parts of you. Things aren’t black and white, there is this huge grey space. Learning to exist in the grey is an amazing thing. People actually seem to like me better as just me, instead of the perfect facade I am so good at putting on.

    Bea used to tell me that my not so awesome coping skills (for me eating stuff, self injury) were the “big guns”. She would say I needed the big guns to survive everything in my life, and now they are the skills I orientate towards because they have always worked so good for me, and that that makes perfect sense. She would say that the little guns might be okay to use, too, and that it will take time to be able to use the little guns instead of the big guns. She would also recognize when something was going on that was “big gun material”. I think everything this month for you– all the travels to MO, the wedding, the planning, all of it, qualifies as “big gun material.” It takes a lot of time to stop orientating towards the big guns, AND it is really hard not to use them in times like this. We all screw up at times. I’m thinking of you and sending support. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • I knew that you would be able to understand and provide context as someone who has lived in a similar world as me – it feels so ‘stepford wives’ to go back there.

      I like the ‘big gun material’ – thankfully A realizes MO isn’t the place to be practicing right now.. I just have to get through it.

      Like

      • It really does feel very stepford wives, doesn’t it? I do believe you can get through this– and by the way, it’s ok to not want this big wedding, it doesn’t make you ungrateful or wrong. You can be grateful and also not want the wedding– both can be true.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. All of those things your friend sees are still true, though, PD. Inside you’re a mess and freaking out, but you are still doing an incredible job of juggling a lot of responsibilities. And that IS inspiring, much more so than being “perfect”.

    (To make sure I cover all my bases, I also want to make it clear that you don’t have to be super high-achieving to be impressive – if you chose to dial back on the work and teaching and freelancing in aid of your mental health, that would also be impressive.)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. hey pd, i think we all get days where we dont demonstrate the best coping skills. i definitely do. i’m sorry you felt disconnected from A. I hope you managed to go to therapy and I hope it helped. sending hugs, and love, xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think you are putting pressure on yourself to not drink. Given the stress you are under and the intensity of your emotions, you will need some relief.
    A won’t judge you. It is her job to work with whatever you bring to the session.
    Show her this post if you don’t think that you will be honest.
    You are a working progress and it will take time for you to reduce your need for alcohol x

    Liked by 1 person

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