I know I should give A the letter I wrote if only so she knows what is happening for me right now. A lot of you have been really kind and thank you for your reminders that I’m going to drink to numb out sometimes – and that I still made it 4 days in a row without drinking, and that’s an accomplishment. Right now, especially before this trip, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
I am incredibly hard on myself. I can’t see the good things that I did to take care of myself – they’re erased by what I perceive as being “bad”. So the fact that I hid drinking and got caught suddenly means all the things I did to take care of myself last weekend (after the drinking and hiding) don’t matter. That the yoga therapy compassion or the fact that I did really well for two days was erased by my behaviour yesterday. When really… the human experience is made up of both good and bad… and I’m learning – I’m supposed to make mistakes. It means I’m trying.
I don’t want to give A the letter for a variety of reasons, so I wrote a letter on the outside of the letter explaining how I felt. It’s now letterception.
I feel incredibly ungrateful for dreading a $30k wedding. And I worry about getting into this when I leave in two days to spend 10 days-ish out of contact.
I managed to do okay, I think, but I don’t really know. I don’t want to discuss any of this, which means I should.
I feel like I’m undeserving of the care + compassion I know you’re about to provide me.