I know I should give A the letter I wrote if only so she knows what is happening for me right now. A lot of you have been really kind and thank you for your reminders that I’m going to drink to numb out sometimes – and that I still made it 4 days in a row without drinking, and that’s an accomplishment. Right now, especially before this trip, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

I am incredibly hard on myself. I can’t see the good things that I did to take care of myself – they’re erased by what I perceive as being “bad”. So the fact that I hid drinking and got caught suddenly means all the things I did to take care of myself last weekend (after the drinking and hiding) don’t matter. That the yoga therapy compassion or the fact that I did really well for two days was erased by my behaviour yesterday. When really… the human experience is made up of both good and bad… and I’m learning – I’m supposed to make mistakes. It means I’m trying. 

I don’t want to give A the letter for a variety of reasons, so I wrote a letter on the outside of the letter explaining how I felt. It’s now letterception.

Wasn’t going to give this to you. I feel like a mess. It’s long. I’m sorry. 

I feel incredibly ungrateful for dreading a $30k wedding. And I worry about getting into this when I leave in two days to spend 10 days-ish out of contact.

I managed to do okay, I think, but I don’t really know. I don’t want to discuss any of this, which means I should.

I feel like I’m undeserving of the care + compassion I know you’re about to provide me. 


2 thoughts on “Letterception

  1. I hope your session goes well. It is okay that it will take time to curb certain coping mechanisms (such as drinking). It takes time. And that is okay. You are very hard on yourself – it is okay for this to take time.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve also written notes for my counselor on top of the thing I really wanted to give her. I think it helps, because then they know where we are coming from and what’s currently going on for us (versus what was happening when we wrote the original thing). Hoping it goes well! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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