B16

“When I go back to that house, it’s like every inch of the walls knows the narrative. The paint has changed, the furniture, but my story is buried in the very foundation that that house is built on. It stores the memories that I can’t find…. there are such large chunks of my childhood missing (like the entire time from 9-13) and if I try to get close to them… it’s overwhelming. And if adult me, if more emotionally capable and supported me, if I can’t handle it…. what did child me feel like? What choice did she have?”

“She survived any way she could, and she did an amazing job. And it doesn’t surprise me that you disassociate when you are there. And I want you to remember that it’s not the time to change that. Notice it, do what you can, but it’s okay if it happens. It is how you stay safe.”

“Do you ever think I will be able to go back without disassociating?”

“Yes. I do. I honestly do.”

“But getting to that point… it is going to hurt. It’s going to be painful and full of grief.”

“I told you I would never lie to you. Yes, it will. Integrating your experiences isn’t going to be pleasant…. but I firmly believe it will be worth it. I believe you can do it. And I’m on board for the journey. I’m here” 

I am safe at the airport. There is something different about this time, going back. I think it’s the awareness I hold now about my experience and my emotions that is making it feel different. I find it hard to avoid them on purpose. I used to be able to disassociate almost on cue. Not now. 

I almost didn’t go five different times this morning. I almost purchased a ticket to go in the opposite direction. I pushed the timing to the limit and left myself very little room for error. 

But I’m here. Gate B16. 

I honestly don’t know how much I will post this time. Know that I’m relatively (at least physically) safe, in case I don’t write. And I care about all of you. 

It feels so overwhelming to be cared for and connected when I am there. It hurts, and you all care so lovingly and so kindly for me – I am not sure, if I numb out, if I will be able to deal with the juxtaposition. 

This is a journey in so many more ways than one. The show must go on. 

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13 thoughts on “B16

  1. It’s the evening of the 22nd. I’m stopping by to check in. I hope you are safe, well, and feeling strong today, sweets. Pop on by my bloggy blog if you get time so’s I knows you is ok! hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Good luck PD. I mean that in a very non-superficial way. This is going to be a lot of things, a lot of unpredictability, a lot of stress, and joy (I hope!) with the wedding and being around friends and family. And I think you have prepared as best you can, and luck will be part of it, and knowing there is a future. This will end, you will be back on the west coast. Whatever you are feeling and going through right now, it is not the final feeling or experience. The future will come, and it will be over.
    Sending all of my extras your way. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Rachel, I would never imagine you saying something superficial 🙂

      It is a lot of things and I’m trying to take it moment by moment. And there is a future. I appreciate your extras. I’ll take all I can get right now xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Know also that we here in virtual reality blogging circle (but who do truly exist as physical human beings in many different places) are also with you, holding space for you, caring for you. Safe travels, be well. xxoo

    Liked by 2 people

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