Resigned

I didn’t feel like posting yesterday. I didn’t feel like writing about yesterday’s session. It felt needless and like we were getting nowhere. I think I was simply resigned so she wasn’t going to get anywhere regardless. 

I am exceptionally teary this morning, I have now cried at at least 4 Facebook videos, and I still haven’t packed. I also have to go get my travel earplugs and a few things from the drugstore – and I’m supposed to leave in less than two hours. 

I was also up until 2am, drunk, as one does the night before a flight. Thankfully the majority of the night I was with Lu – that beautiful soul mate best friend of mine – she made me dinner and we talked and talked and I felt so connected. She flies in next Thursday and when I think of that it doesn’t seem so awful to be going back. 

Yesterday owner1 came back from Europe – arguably my best male friend in this city – and he was like “can you leave later?” And I said “why?”, thinking it’s about this big contract or work related. And he said “because I want to go for drinks with you.”

And I teased him –  “you know what you’re really saying? You missed me.” And he was like “yea, I did.” And that felt really good because I don’t think I’ve ever been missed by a friend. I wish I could call and be like “not coming, sorry guys, friend who genuinely cares and knows what I imagine is closest to the real me wants to have beer.”

The most I have in terms of my emotional state right now is resigned. Having accepted something unpleasant that I can’t do anything about. Although I suppose acceptance would include packing. 

A did give me a list of the goals we sought out to achieve. They will, I imagine, give me something to focus on. Here they are because for some reason I feel like sharing, although I don’t know why, not sure anyone really cares about my goals for the trip (hear it? Hear the critical voice? A and I have decided he is an old curmudgeon who wanders about waving his cane and yelling things like “get off my lawn”. Don’t worry old man, you can take over in about 5 hours)

  1. To notice when I’m drinking as a coping mechanism
  2. To put my needs first 
  3. To not say yes or agree to things I don’t want to do
  4. To take up space
  5. To notice behaviour of others and name it 
  6. To have fun and bring back 3 fun things to A (the only goal she’s ever made)

I would also like to yoga – as part of #2. 

And I guess pack, and actually get out of here on time. 

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15 thoughts on “Resigned

  1. Your goals are great. 🙂 awareness, being able to notice what is going on and name is it an awesome place to start. I’m rooting for you! I know it won’t be easy to be back in “Barbie land” but you can still be you, in small ways (like my pink dress and non-designer shoes). If you cry, if you drink, if you scream, if you shut down, it’s all okay. Be kind to yourself. Sending big hugs and lots of support. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I was wondering why you hadn’t posted but have no idea which time zone you are in!
    It sounds like you have some good friends. Try to spend time with the positive people while you are there. I know that you can’t avoid the toxic people though.
    I have often agreed to go out with friends and really wanted to cancel because I have felt so down. But have actually had a nice time. There will be positives.
    I think the no email boundary with A is (can’t think of the right word) odd given the frequency of your sessions. Being able to write to her and have her rationalise your feelings would probably be helpful for you. But that’s the way she works which is fair enough.
    You can do this even if you do cry etc. You can also look forward to that drink with owner1 on your return.
    With you in spirit and thinking of you x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you 🙂

      The no email boundary isn’t really a no email boundary – I am free to email her but I know she will respond with a way to fit me in. I have previously had therapists who burned out constantly answering emails from me… and I think it’s healthier for me and her (and it may not be this way for everyone) to have that boundary. She saves the best of her for session, when she can fully attune, and I work through things and often will have new insights by the next time we meet.

      I know if I did email her she would be okay with it, but I also know her response would be like “thank you for sharing, let’s talk about this next time” simply because she likes to keep the important things for our time together – both to prevent her burnout and to allow us to have face to face communication (lack of misunderstanding)

      It is a bit odd, but it does feel safer to me, more bounded.

      Like

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