I didn’t feel like posting yesterday. I didn’t feel like writing about yesterday’s session. It felt needless and like we were getting nowhere. I think I was simply resigned so she wasn’t going to get anywhere regardless.
I am exceptionally teary this morning, I have now cried at at least 4 Facebook videos, and I still haven’t packed. I also have to go get my travel earplugs and a few things from the drugstore – and I’m supposed to leave in less than two hours.
I was also up until 2am, drunk, as one does the night before a flight. Thankfully the majority of the night I was with Lu – that beautiful soul mate best friend of mine – she made me dinner and we talked and talked and I felt so connected. She flies in next Thursday and when I think of that it doesn’t seem so awful to be going back.
Yesterday owner1 came back from Europe – arguably my best male friend in this city – and he was like “can you leave later?” And I said “why?”, thinking it’s about this big contract or work related. And he said “because I want to go for drinks with you.”
And I teased him – “you know what you’re really saying? You missed me.” And he was like “yea, I did.” And that felt really good because I don’t think I’ve ever been missed by a friend. I wish I could call and be like “not coming, sorry guys, friend who genuinely cares and knows what I imagine is closest to the real me wants to have beer.”
The most I have in terms of my emotional state right now is resigned. Having accepted something unpleasant that I can’t do anything about. Although I suppose acceptance would include packing.
A did give me a list of the goals we sought out to achieve. They will, I imagine, give me something to focus on. Here they are because for some reason I feel like sharing, although I don’t know why, not sure anyone really cares about my goals for the trip (hear it? Hear the critical voice? A and I have decided he is an old curmudgeon who wanders about waving his cane and yelling things like “get off my lawn”. Don’t worry old man, you can take over in about 5 hours)
- To notice when I’m drinking as a coping mechanism
- To put my needs first
- To not say yes or agree to things I don’t want to do
- To take up space
- To notice behaviour of others and name it
- To have fun and bring back 3 fun things to A (the only goal she’s ever made)
I would also like to yoga – as part of #2.
And I guess pack, and actually get out of here on time.