Okay

Everyone says welcome home – this isn’t my home. Not anymore. I don’t know, was it ever truly my home?

It’s so hard to be around my parents. My Dad is the easier of the two but even him, in the car, tells me to acknowledge that my mom did a great job painting a room in the house – and then I barely walk in and she’s showing me and expecting my praise. And I give it to her but the words are hollow. The funny part is that if they hadn’t asked or told me to say certain things – I would have anyways.

And the forced space sharing and the forced conversation and the inability for silence and my Mom going “this is going to be a stressful week – make sure you build in time for you.” SCUSE ME WHAT. I am currently having time for me and you’re talking through it. She’s so insecure – and it’s so hard for her to be so excited and really glad I’m home while every inch of my skin is crawling with the urge to leave. 

I went to open A’s recording 8 or 9 times – I can’t do it… I just can’t. It’s too much. I’m pretty sure I’m going to cancel my phone session with her too. Connecting when I feel so disconnected doesn’t feel helpful.

——–
Censored. I think that’s the thing I feel the most here. My brother is coming over today and I got asked not to say that my husband is at his bachelor party because my brother wasn’t invited. And it’s like alright. Allow me to protect his feelings. Allow me to cater to what everybody else needs. I didn’t not invite him. And also maybe if he wasn’t an asshole to him most of the time, he would have been invited.

(Two good things, my dog and my niece.)

And then my brother just makes fun of me over and over but this time I see where it comes from and I’m able to shut it down a little bit – which is nice. That’s nice. If I don’t react, there’s nothing he can do. Doesn’t stop him from saying crap though. 

It’s hard to be aware of the pattern of wanting to monitor everyone’s feelings and feeling responsible for them and not do it. And really, where do you draw the line? I had a bachelorette yesterday and my maid of honour and sister in law CLEARLY don’t see eye to eye. They are very different people. And they both managed the whole time – nobody said anything but I am hyper aware of their emotions. And I knew they were upset with each other and it took all I could muster to not interfere and try to make them both feel better. 

And then there is my Aunt, my Dad’s middle sister. She has been angry with me for months about how we chose to have two separate weddings and didn’t include her in what she calls the “real one”. The one with only our parents.

Problem is she has told my sister in law and my Mom, but not me. My issue, as I told my Dad, is that my Aunt hasn’t bothered to talk to me. We are close, or used to be, and I totally appreciate what upset her about all of it, but talk to ME about it. 

And today my Dad suggests I call her, to rise above, so to speak. And it’s like – I don’t want to. But I’m also confused. Because normally I would bend over backwards to fix it. But catering to her by giving her a speech or writing her a special card (both sister in law suggestions) is just telling her her actions – dictating my wedding – are okay. But also I appreciate her upset. So where’s the line? It’s not like I excluded her on purpose, my husband and I made decisions that worked for us, and I don’t regret any of them. 

Is calling just to see how she is, is that catering? Or is it making the first move? Or is it being be bigger person. Where are my boundaries at, in this situation, I guess is the question. 

People are hard. Emotions are hard. It’ll be okay. I have to remind myself I am not responsible for how people feel… I want to be polite and rise above and tactful, but I don’t have to compromise myself for them. 

I do it anyways, though. Old habits die hard. 

———

As for my goals, well, I haven’t even tried. I’m very “what’s the point” here. 

Anyways, I’m alive. 

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Okay

  1. I really get that confusion of “what is being caring/ what is allowing someone to cross my boundaries, what is fixing someone’s feelings, where are my boundaries?” questions. It’s confusing. I think that it’s just learning as we go, and trying to read each situation. Often times, if I’m wanting to fix another’s feelings, I stop and ask myself if I have done something wrong/harmful to them. If my actions inadvertently hurt their feelings (such as your choice of two weddings– you did what was best for you and your intention was not to hurt anyone) I try to acknowledge/validate their feelings and upset but I won’t apologize or behave like I did something wrong. I don’t know if that is helpful or not…….

    People are hard. Emotions are hard. When we are navigating people and their emotions when we are in “happy&perfect facade town, USA” it is even harder to navigate. You are doing okay. Sending you support and hugs. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yeah, I know that dynamic well. And it was protective growing up. If I could smooth things out between people (which really came down to trying to get everyone to just give my mum whatever she wanted) then she wouldn’t get mad, because getting mad always spilled onto me no matter who or what was involved at the start. My sister tells me she feels that exact same fear, that any conflict around her will spill over and involve her, and the sound of raised voices or even normally-voiced differing opinions has us both wanting to run and hide.

    Hoping the rest of your time there goes ok, and that you can find at least a little bit of fun and excitement about it all. Or maybe just survive. That’s good too. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • There was some drama with my SIL and a scrapbook and my best friend, and I was showing my Mom the scrapbook and all I get is “is there extra pages in there for SIL?”

      And I’m like – how on earth do YOU know about that? My SIL told my brother (normal, they’re engaged), then he told my Mom (not as normal) and then she is trying to get into it with me!

      And I was like “this is between SIL and MOH and I’m not having this conversation with you.”

      And my Mom went “well it’s normal for him to find out” and I was like “yea but it’s not normal for him to run to his Mommy.”

      And my Dad then pipes in…

      anyways this is my long winded way of saying you’re right.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You aren’t responsible for how others feel. And that’s hard because we’ve learned to “fix” other people’s emotions, like somehow that must’ve been a protective mechanism (been thinking about this too). Just keep going day by day and if you need anything, email me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s insane. And now I know about it and see it happening but question – what’s the appropriate response?

      And I don’t know, so it’s like I’m guessing and learning as I go.

      And it was protective. In an unpredictable environment, the best chance we had of surviving any particular situation was reading other people and reacting in the best way to keep them happy.

      But man, it’s fucked me up for what feels like life.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Not for life. You can overcome this. And you’re doing this right. You’re learning as you go and that’s really all we can do. You’re able to identify what’s going on. You don’t have to have the right response right now, because you’re still learning. Be gentle with yourself.
        By the way, I had to make my blog private so you’ll need to request access to read it. I felt like people in my life had access so I needed to privatize it just wanted to give you the heads up.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Requested – that’s hard, when you feel like people can see it. I’ll be a reader as long as you’ll have me.

        I know I don’t have to have the right response but it would help. I’ll get to bounce thoughts off my husband tomorrow

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you. I love having you as a reader and this connection we have 🙂 Just completely freaked out over who might have access to my blog.
        It would help, absolutely. You are learning though, and it sucks, there’s no doubt about that. You’ll get to a point where it’ll be easier to respond. For now, it’s just learning and observing and taking care of yourself- don’t forget to do that.

        Liked by 1 person

      • For now, yes. It’s okay. It’s so much better than other alternatives. I’m kinda right there with you too, so I get it. Just take care of yourself as much as you can ❤

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s