Everyone says welcome home – this isn’t my home. Not anymore. I don’t know, was it ever truly my home?
It’s so hard to be around my parents. My Dad is the easier of the two but even him, in the car, tells me to acknowledge that my mom did a great job painting a room in the house – and then I barely walk in and she’s showing me and expecting my praise. And I give it to her but the words are hollow. The funny part is that if they hadn’t asked or told me to say certain things – I would have anyways.
And the forced space sharing and the forced conversation and the inability for silence and my Mom going “this is going to be a stressful week – make sure you build in time for you.” SCUSE ME WHAT. I am currently having time for me and you’re talking through it. She’s so insecure – and it’s so hard for her to be so excited and really glad I’m home while every inch of my skin is crawling with the urge to leave.
I went to open A’s recording 8 or 9 times – I can’t do it… I just can’t. It’s too much. I’m pretty sure I’m going to cancel my phone session with her too. Connecting when I feel so disconnected doesn’t feel helpful.
Censored. I think that’s the thing I feel the most here. My brother is coming over today and I got asked not to say that my husband is at his bachelor party because my brother wasn’t invited. And it’s like alright. Allow me to protect his feelings. Allow me to cater to what everybody else needs. I didn’t not invite him. And also maybe if he wasn’t an asshole to him most of the time, he would have been invited.
(Two good things, my dog and my niece.)
And then my brother just makes fun of me over and over but this time I see where it comes from and I’m able to shut it down a little bit – which is nice. That’s nice. If I don’t react, there’s nothing he can do. Doesn’t stop him from saying crap though.
It’s hard to be aware of the pattern of wanting to monitor everyone’s feelings and feeling responsible for them and not do it. And really, where do you draw the line? I had a bachelorette yesterday and my maid of honour and sister in law CLEARLY don’t see eye to eye. They are very different people. And they both managed the whole time – nobody said anything but I am hyper aware of their emotions. And I knew they were upset with each other and it took all I could muster to not interfere and try to make them both feel better.
And then there is my Aunt, my Dad’s middle sister. She has been angry with me for months about how we chose to have two separate weddings and didn’t include her in what she calls the “real one”. The one with only our parents.
Problem is she has told my sister in law and my Mom, but not me. My issue, as I told my Dad, is that my Aunt hasn’t bothered to talk to me. We are close, or used to be, and I totally appreciate what upset her about all of it, but talk to ME about it.
And today my Dad suggests I call her, to rise above, so to speak. And it’s like – I don’t want to. But I’m also confused. Because normally I would bend over backwards to fix it. But catering to her by giving her a speech or writing her a special card (both sister in law suggestions) is just telling her her actions – dictating my wedding – are okay. But also I appreciate her upset. So where’s the line? It’s not like I excluded her on purpose, my husband and I made decisions that worked for us, and I don’t regret any of them.
Is calling just to see how she is, is that catering? Or is it making the first move? Or is it being be bigger person. Where are my boundaries at, in this situation, I guess is the question.
People are hard. Emotions are hard. It’ll be okay. I have to remind myself I am not responsible for how people feel… I want to be polite and rise above and tactful, but I don’t have to compromise myself for them.
I do it anyways, though. Old habits die hard.
As for my goals, well, I haven’t even tried. I’m very “what’s the point” here.
Anyways, I’m alive.